Riley Verses The... Torture Treat Chamber

The Torture Treat Chamber... Mom is really putting the screws to me now... She thinks I need a diet... that I should *work* for my treats... Maybe I should padlock the fridge and see if she enjoys *working* for her food...    -.^

This is an evil exciting sphere of treat-giving irritation goodness. The idea is to bat it through a window around the room, and allow the treat to naturally fall from an unnaturally small hole the window in the top of the torturous toy. Doesn't that sound like malicious torment fun???

You would not believe the mad skillz I posses to HIDE this sucker (you know, once it is emptied... Darn you tasty-treat-goodness!!!) Because... once it is hidden, and mom cannot find it, she is forced to just hand me my treats! (Thank you Greenies Company for coming out with such fine tasting specimen of extra calories!)

The other day, mom came home with this thing and tricked me... I hear her chirp, "Riley want a treat???" Well, cat-gone it, does the sun rise every morning? Of COURSE I want a treat! So I prance out to the dining room, singing, "Yes I do... oh yes I do... Yes I do!!!" And that is when she hands it to me... the aforementioned chamber of doom... At first, mom would smack it around (yes, yes, I have her well trained... :-D ) and I would follow the treat paved line. Then, she stopped. SHE. STOPPED! Um, hello? If you don't hit the ball-y thing, I do not get treats... <glare> After what seemed an eternity, I finally decided to *pat* *pat* the thing myself... and nothing... <glare> *PAT* *PAT* nothing... *PAAAT* *SMACK* Woo-hoo, pay dirt! One whole treat. What? One? For all that work I get ONE. LOUSY. TREAT???

Okay... if that's how it's going to be... *Ka-pow*  *nom nom nom* *Ka-boom!* *nom nom nom* *Hiiiiiiiiii - yaaaaaa* *nom nom nom*

Aww, look at that... you're now empty... as empty as your dark soul, you devious device of misery... And if you disappear- you will not be a thorn in my side any longer... so... lets see... *grunt* *groan* there you go, under the loveseat with the cobwebs... back to the depths of Dante's inferno.... back you go to your third circle... (Side-note: our esteemed blogger, Riley, unknowingly chose the "gluttony" circle; coincidence???) Goodbye and good ridden! Now to clean these cobwebs off of me...

It was about three days later and I hear Jigsaw (aka mom) demonically hiss, "I want to play a game..." And cat-gone it! It was back! How did mom find it??? She NEVER looks under the loveseat... *hrmph* I didn't want to... but it was filled with TREATS! I couldn't turn my back on it when it was full of crunchy morsels... it needed my help... to empty its bulging belly of delicacies. I could sacrifice a few more moments of my time to smack it to kingdom come, er, inferno come.

This time I hid it MUCH better. So much better in fact, that I am not even telling my loyal readers where I hid it- in case you feel the need to tell my mom... Because so far, she has not been able to locate its whereabouts... She's sent out an APB... Looked under the loveseat, the bench, the tv stand... but alas...

"Oh where oh where did the little toy go? Oh where oh where can it be? With its belly void and empty of treats... oh where oh where is it???"

Hiding and not seeking...
~R

Riley Verses The... Short One... Again

Mom's been hogging the laptop for homework... As if that is more important than my blogging... Where are her priorities!?!?! I mean, seriously! I'm sure if I polled my lovely fans you would all agree with me. Right? RIGHT???

Well, it happened AGAIN.... Mom invited her sister and the diminutive one to MY house again without MY permission... Does she think she owns the place or something???

Fortunately, it was a short visit and mom had them out of the house most of the time... It all happened a couple of months ago...

I'm curled up in my blanket on the couch. Mom is scurrying around washing sheets, cleaning the kitchen and dining room and making up the beds upstairs. I'm mostly sleeping, but keeping an eye on things. Mom never ever cleans without a reason... and it usually means someone is coming over and mom doesn't want to be reported to Hoarders (she's camera shy ya know...)

*A knock at the door*
Mom opens the door to her dad, says, "Hi" and brings him down to the basement to check something. They're back up in a few minutes and mom grabs her bag, tells me to be good and is out the door...

Curious... All that cleaning for a ten minute visit and he never even went upstairs? That's odd... Mom never does any cleaning without a reason...

And the reason showed up about 8 hours later... a short, annoying, little reason... (the only picture of shorty smiling).

Oh yes... they were back. Can you imagine??? I wasn't notified... I wasn't even WARNED! I would have left a "mint" on his pillow (muahhhh ahhhh ahhhh!!!).

Anyway, it was late and we all went to bed... The next morning they all got up and out early... which made me very happy.

They returned around dinner time, but mom was able to keep them outside... hmm... does that make them #OccupySideWalk??? Lets ponder this... while here, they were fed free of charge... a roof over their head free of charge... entertainment options (fortunately, AWAY from home) free of charge... O. M. G! They're part of the 99%... Mom! Mom! Are you reading this??? Are you??? That's it, I'm putting my paw down. THEY. WILL. NOT. BE. ALLOWED. IN. MY. HOUSE. AGAIN!!!! Hrmph! If I have to work my cute little behind off earning my keep (you have no idea the work I have to put into keeping mom happy... constantly purring and keeping her lap warm... following her around, ensuring her safety... constantly letting her know that I was there for her... It's not easy I tell ya... it's not easy...) then so do they!

So, after they left I put on the water (we paid for), brought out the Assam tea (we paid for- if you too would like to have some, Mom got it from www.herbco.com- they even have CATNIP!) and mom and I had a little tea party... ;-)

Still Tea Partying...
~R

Riley Verses The... Work Week

Hello all my adoring fans... I have decided to give you a behind the scenes "day in the life of Riley." I've heard rumors that some people (not you of course...) think I do NOTHING all day long. I've even heard that *some* people think I SLEEP 23 hours a day! And then some people think I must be bored out of my cute little head and need a dog to keep me company... (I know who you are MOM and I *know* where you sleep... muahhhh ahhh ahhhh <rubbing paws together>)

Anyway... a day in my life during the work week...

5:00 am: The alarm goes off, I protest, and snooze is hit with minimal disturbance to me.

5:01 am: Coffee beans begin to be ground; seriously, she's too lazy to hit the "on" button? She has to set the thing to wake me up? Really?

5:09 am: The blasted thing goes off again... Snooze is once again activated... The wafting aroma of coffee fills my nostrils...

5:18 am: And she's up. I protest LOUDLY and she shush's me. >^-< (that's my, "are you serious???" glare).

5:19 am: I trip her getting off the bed- doesn't she watch where she's going???

5:20 am: Sitting on the rug, impatiently waiting for her to turn off the fan, close the window and unplug the fan.

Still 5:20 am: Stop halfway down the stairs because I think I forgot to tuck in my mousey-toy... and nearly get launched through the front door. Geesh, she didn't see me *stop*!?!?!?!?

5:21 am: Coffee is poured; half and half splashed in and around the cup; spoon full of sugar loudly clanging as she stirs.... *sluuuuuu-uuuurp* I of course, am still sitting next to my day old water and empty food dish... No no... enjoy your cup of coffee as I starve and play the odds that I won't get malaria and/or dengue from this stagnant water... <paw to forehead... swaying a little>

5:25 am: FINALLY getting some attention... Exactly 1/2 cup of crunchy goodness (not a kibble more!) and one fresh dish of good old city water (don't knock it! Mom tried giving me that bottled stuff... *blech* No thank you, tap water for me; on the rocks! Just like my mom!)! 

5:32 am: I drag my sock ( you remember me telling you about them, right? I kept stealing mom's socks, so she finally gave me a pair of my own.) over to my dish and cover it over... I suspect another cat is in the house and I am hiding it from him/her... I only see him/her when mom picks me up in the bathroom... That's the only time I see mom's twin too... I look for her when mom goes to work...even looking in the bathroom "window," but I only see that other dashing cat! I tell him that it's my house, but would you believe he mimics me! MIMICS ME!!! Meows in my face and even paws at my devastatingly handsome good looks! Fortunately, he misses and then disappears as I jump off the sink.

5:45 am: I curl up on mom's lap as she slurps down another cup of java and catches up on her tweetering twits er, tweeter twittings, um the NEWS!

6:30 am: I get dumped on the floor as she gets up to get ready for work. I head to my bed (MY bed. In MY bedroom. On MY blanket. Not to be confused with mom's bedroom) and fall asleep on my soft, pretty, pink (yet a masculine pink!) blanket.

7:40 am: She is off and running and tells me to be good. >^.-< 

8:00 am: Mosey back down the stairs to munch on some crunchy goodness.

8:13 am: I hop up on the dining room chair, turn on the laptop and catch up on the news... In case you're wondering, I check out these sites:
i can has cheezburger
lol cats
Cat info

And in case anyone wants to buy yours truly a gift... I've had my eye on this:
Lol Cat Bible

9:27 am: Where does the time go? <streeeeeeetch> Okay, I need to work on my blog. I know my peeps are waiting for my next installment with bated breath!

9:30 am: <tap tap tap> Hmm... what interesting tidbit of my life to write about next... <bzzzzzzzz> It's a FLY! Must keep the house fly free. Que mission impossible music. <dun dun dun dun dun dun nar nar nar> Now, obviously this isn't a picture of me... but since my photographer (mom) is at work... here's what I would look like...

Okay... now I might have missed on my first Hiiiiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaa! So, I tried again...

I have succeeded. The fly is now a snack. nom nom nom.

11:42 am: After a quick cat nap (I slay me!), I patrol the perimeter.
Living room: all clear
Dining room: all clear
Kitchen: all clear
Bathroom: woah, litterbox needs to be cleaned, but miraculously all clear
Spare Bedroom: all clear
Foyer: all clear
Mom's bedroom: all clear
My bedroom: *INTRUDER ALERT* *INTRUDER ALERT*

Oh no he didn't! I've seen this guy before...

So... I snuck up on him... <tippy toes... tippy toes...> with my mad ninja skillz... Looks like I gave him a squirrelly heart attack... tee hee hee....

Mission accomplished- Squirrel is no longer a threat!
My bedroom: all clear!

12:37 pm: I head back down the stairs and stake out the living room... I curl up on the fluffy, purple blanket (people, I don't shop for myself... that dingbat seems to like girly colors... ) and decide to rest my eyes for a moment...

2:30 pm: *CLANG* *BANG* I awake with a start! er, I mean, I am of course locked on and ready to go... I spring to the window to find none other than the same stranger putting something in the metal box attached to the house... OMG IT'S A BOMB! HIDE YOUR KIDS!!! HIDE YOUR WIFE!!! Wait <scratching head>, where have I heard that before???

Oh man... that makes me LOLz every time!!

4:50 pm: Wow, really? It's nearly 5:00 pm? Did I really just surf youtube videos for nearly 2 and a half hours? My sides hurt from LMAO, so maybe I have! Quick shut the computer down... Get off the dining room table... Pretend to have just gotten up and greet mom at the door....

5:00 pm: MEOW! Hi Mom... and how was your day... that's nice...Oh no... everything quiet on the home front... "Riley, GET out from under my feet!" Ah the gratitude... Can you feel the love???

5:05 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:06 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:07 pm: "Alright alright... I'm getting your dinner oh starving one... Like you did anything today to work up an appetite... Does sleeping really burn that many calories???  If so, I'm going to start sleeping more! Here you go... Dinner is served... Yes, Riley, it's turkey... <eye roll>"

5:14 pm: I'm chillax' while mom cooks her dinner and does her thing...

And that folks... is a day in the life of Ninja Riley...

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAAAAA
~R

Riley Verses The... Strange Sight

'Twas the Day Before Sunday...

'Twas the day before Sunday....
The alarm did ring.
The coffee began brewing...
The birds outside sing.

Mom swings her legs off,
Of the bed and stands up.
As per the morning custom,
I trip her up

She regains her balance
And slowly descends
Careful to not kick
Me (as she really intends).

Pours herself a cup
Of coffee, sugar and cream
I circle around
My dish is empty it seems

As she dumped food in my bowl
I happened to see
Four hooves and a tail
Galloping up Bassett Street

A deer? On the road????
Now that doesn't seem right...
I will rub my eyes...
And look again in better light...

Holy smokes it's a deer!
Quick get my arrows and bow
Venison for dinner!
Oh wait... it's a doe...

And I hear her exclaim
As she trots out of sight
Nanny nanny poo poo *sppppttth*
You can't have a bite!

Riley Verses The... Thunder

*Flashes of light* BOOOOOOM

That was basically how my evening went in late May this year (2011)... Others might know it as the Flood of 2011 in Montplelier, Barre, Plainfield, Cabot, etc... But, me... I know it as, the night that everything was full of water but my water glass... <hhhrrrmmmmph!>

Mom came home from work on a Thursday... and then the rain began... And it POURED! (mom said it rained "cats and dogs" but I did not see a single domesticated animal out in that weather, so I think mom was hallucinating...) No biggie.. it's rained here before... I didn't feel the need to start building an ark or anything... nor did I move my toys to higher ground... just a typical thunderstorm... until about 9 pm... Mom had gone upstairs to read and I jumped on her stomach to remind her that she did not fill MY glass with water for bed... so I glared at her until she got up...

I followed her down the stairs where she promptly filled my glass.... and then suddenly neglected it as she took off into the basement! As I listened, I thought I heard water running... I looked at the sink, but she turned the faucet off... My glass was full, but out of reach... *sigh* So, I did as I always do.... I waited... I heard some swearing from the basement vicinity... perhaps mom left water running down there? I heard footsteps on the stairs and was about to let her know I didn't appreciate my glass of water just outside my reach when she stormed by me (pun intended! :-)). She grabbed some shoes and disappeared into the basement abyss...

She later filled in the details for me... From what I gather... it rained... a LOT!!! And water/rain was pouring in between the cement of the foundation and the boards of the house... She had buckets and was tossing the water outside (not to worry, no comedy routine here... water was only coming in at the front of the house... the back of the house is perched on a small cliff). The torrential downpour finally began to subside and I hear on the stairs... *squish* *squeak* *squish* *squeak* Either a waterlogged giant mouse was coming up the stairs (go go gadget giant mouse trap!) or mom was a bit soggy.... it was the latter... a "drowned rat" comes to mind... I guess I was at least in the right family... rodent... :-D

At about 3 am mom finally made it back to bed.  Which was about time! I only get in about 12 hours of sleep during the daylight hours... Without my beauty sleep... well, mom gets pretty ugly...

The rest of the weekend was pretty similar... except mom's dad came to visit. They went to NY to see cars race down a straight 1/4 mile track (ooh, how exciting... if only I could fry in the sun and suck in exhaust for hours on end <eye roll>) and were back that evening. Mom was pretty pooped and passed out around 10 pm... I curled up on her side to keep her warm... it *was* only about 80 degrees in her bedroom... and fell asleep. Next thing I knew I woke up to a gun shot... I've been shot!!! I've been shot!!! I've been... uh, um... wait, I don't see any blood on me... O......... M............ G........ Mom's been shot... her arm... it's bleeding!!! Someone call 911! Darn that cell phone and it's touch screen... I can't tap one number at a time... Mom... MOM... TALK to me... STAY WITH ME!!! Help will arrive soon... Mom glares at me, as if I was holding the smoking gun and then she speaks... slowly, but very menacingly... "Riley.. if you do not.... get. off. this. bed. right. this. minute... I am going to launch you into NEXT WEEK!!!"

Confused, I look down at her arm and realize that unless she was shot with a fork, those scratch marks might (slim chance I'm sure...) have been caused by innocent little ol' me... But mom... I can explain... it was the thunder... and you know how I am with loud noises... and it was the THUNDER'S fault... Let's blame Zeus... Here Zeus... Here boy... O00000hhhhhh Ze-----us... I'm sure he's hiding from your wrath... <beaming white toothy cheesey smile>.

"Riley, my soon to be heaven bound cat... I do not have a dog named Zeus... and I highly doubt you will conjure up the mythological Zeus by calling him like Rover... How about this... you go sleep on *your* bed... "your" being the key word... I'll go wrap up the dangling flesh on my arm and we'll call it a night..."

Um, yeah, that's a good idea mom... Did you need any help wi... <glare> Yeah, ok... I'll just head to bed...

Still breathing...
~R

Riley Verses The... Firemen

Now I *know* what you're thinking... “That dumb cat got stuck in a tree... ha ha ha!” Um... and you would be wrong... <eye roll> May I remind you I'm an indoor cat and mom definitely has no trees in here! So... what would I be doing with firemen, you ask??? Well you sit right back and you'll read a tale...

Once upon a time, in a very near land... there lived a fairy princess (I guess I can't really say “fairy” in PC land) self-sufficient old maid (*sigh*) young lady with her one-of-a-kind, handsome, intelligent, talented, talking feline companion (yeah, yeah... I could have just said ,“she had a cat” but that doesn't do me much justice, now does it... hush and let me finish my story...). They lived in a beautiful castle 2 story house in desperate need of cosmetic updates... Our overly ambitious and driven lady of the house decided no job was too small (or too LARGE) for her to tackle on her own... She's torn down paneling to find charming lavender walls adorned with “artwork” (think five year old with a paint brush and Pac-man ghosts and you have the general idea)... She's replaced sub-flooring when she found out that she just about had half a bath in the basement (for those not in the know.. our heroine's “throne” was essentially rotting through the floor and within the first month, m'lady had the bathroom ripped apart to replace the 3' by 4' death trap). You get the idea... she's one of those do-it-yourselfer's... that is... until she met her match...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the match of the century... we have a new challenger today, new to this arena... it's... the lady of the house.... and in the other corner, the “raining” (yeah, it's reigning, but you'll get the joke in a minute... wait for it...) champ of the last few decades... it's.... The Old Plumbing (O.P.)!!! ( the crowd goes wild...) And the bell rings... Round 1... The lady circles... she's looking weary already... She sees the ice in O.P.'s veins and a fraction before he throws the punch the cameraman shows the action in slow motion... Lady exclaims, “Ohhhh nooooooo" *pow* It was an upper cut to the jaw and a slap in the face... The breath leaves her as she tried to retreat... But O.P. continued to pour his rain of death on her... It was a KO in the first few seconds...

Okay, a bit too abstract for you? This is what happened... Mom went downstairs for some unknown reason... (I believe it was about February of 2011) and noticed a column of ice INSIDE the house... she hadn't noticed this before so went over to investigate... she followed her hand up the column and accidentally touched an unknown pipe which promptly burst in her face, spraying her with ice cold water knocking the breath right out of her... She ran upstairs looking for her cell which of course was playing hide and seek with her... so she ran across the street (looking like a drowned rat, may I add he he he) and asked her neighbors to call the water dept. She ran back and finally managed to find her phone and call the police... An eternity later (ok, more like 5 minutes) THREE fire trucks showed up... THREE! What in the world did she tell them to send THREE large firetrucks and a little fire box truck thing... As the half a dozen firemen slowly sauntered through the house and were lead to the basement, I was herded into the bedroom and locked in there.. as if I would try to escape outside... hello, it's even colder out there... who would give up these balmy temps of 56 degrees (Fahrenheit people... Fahrenheit!) in here???

Anyway, where was I... right... the firemen... this part of the story is second hand so who knows how much mom has embellished... but I'll tell you as she told me... “So Riley... how many firemen does it take to turn off the water to this house?” Oh goody... a joke... “Four...” “ Um.. mom... that's not really a funny joke... you forgot the punch line... “Yes, Riley... I know...there is no punch line when it's pathetically true!!!!” So, while I hid under the bed... two floors below me... one fireman was turning off the water to the washing machine (I guess just in case mom decided to do a load of laundry while water poured into her basement)... another one watched the water dump to the floor, mumbling, “yup, this here is a burst pipe...” (ah, the brilliance), the third one was staring intently at where the water lines entered into the house spouting scary statements like, “I think your shut off is at the street ma'am... under 4 feet of snow” (WHAT???) and the fourth one... my hero may I add... grabbed a wrench and turned the water off... the lever was missing... and the blessed water stopped spewing... But of course... that means none of the house had water... But all was not lost... Mom made a few phone calls... and a plumber was actually able to fix the problem that evening.. Thank you Mr. Plumber Man...

Now for those of you who might be entertaining the idea that mom is an idiot... let me tell you about the location of this pipe that burst... a long long time ago, the people that had this house before, decided to “finish” half of the basement and put up paneling (what is it with them and gosh darn it paneling???)... then a water main broke and flooded the basement, destroying the “finished” part... but the paneling was not ripped down all the way... then mom buys the house... so this pipe, came down off from the bathroom plumbing above and followed the back wall BEHIND THE PANELING, sandwiching it between the concrete blocks and the paneling inside... Now, where did this pipe go to, you ask? No where... Ridiculously enough, this pipe followed the wall for about 10 feet and stopped... it was connected to nothing... just hanging out... collecting stagnant water... and freezing.... who puts a pipe to nowhere??? Well, mom had the plumber remedy that pretty quick... it's now cut off at the knees... lol... well, closer to the bathroom plumbing that is... and mom has some heat vent pointed at it to deter it from freezing again...

Sorry for taking so long to post this my loyal admirers... You see, we flooded AGAIN since my last post.... and trees have come down in the back yard (intentionally, don't fret my pets!)... and well, somebody has to keep all those sunbeams entertained! 

Just call me...

The hostess with the mostest...

~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors... Again???

Okay, so I might have been a teensy tiny bit over-confident in my mad skillz of getting rid of a dwarf and the circus he brought with him.... because they're back. *sigh*

Well, there I was lying in MY sunbeam when I hear a car roll in the driveway. I assume it's mom coming home from work... Well you know where assuming gets you! And it did! I stroll over to the door expecting a "Hi Ri-Ri" (my mom's nickname for me... or Re-re when I do something not so intelligent) and instead, are you sitting down??? the door opens and in comes the chimp... again! I meow loudly in protest, You were supposed to be gone!!! But they pretend to not understand and run around like I'm not even there. I sulk to the couch, lie there and wait.

The wee one was playing with my toys again, but I was not to be made a fool twice so I just sat and glared... I was hoping if I stared hard enough his head would explode, but alas, my skills are not that developed...

The tall one and the other one came in... the "other" one came over and sat next to me. I think her name is Cari... So Cari sat next to me and I cringed... but she reached out and gently petted me... Oh, I guess it wasn't *sooooo* bad... so I allowed her to continue. At least mini-satan kept his distance...

Then mom finally decided to grace us with her presence.. I followed her around explaining the situation and how I needed the house back to the way it was... people-less... but she just shoo'd me from being underfoot as she ran around grilling steak and bringing out large tubs of salads...

Cari was very nice... she stayed in "my" room while they were here and she had this really cool doll thing that she colored her hair (and the table, the walls, the floor, the stairs... ME! but I digress) I allowed her to sit with me and pet me... I am afterall attention STARVED and will take any tolerable pets I can... Mom of course just ignores me... if that inhumane society wasn't a teensy bit worse than my sub-standard living conditions now, I would call them to complain... however.. I do have more room here to roam... so, I guess I'm stuck here in lack-of-attention-land...


"THEY" were with us for about a week... when mom didn't have to work she thankfully got them out from under my paws and out of my fur. Cari was nice and I wish she stayed, but I was glad to see shorty finally go...for GOOD this time... However, my cyber friends, I must share this little tidbit... which I found to be most humorous... Mom got this new nail polish that changes color- I must confess, it is pretty cool.... Well, the diminutive one decided that he was left out as the "girls" all painted their nails... and wait for it... they painted HIS NAILS TOO! I nearly died... Little boy cretin with pretty purple toes and rainbow fingernails... It. was. too. much!!! I laughed so hard I snorted! I guess if he can doll himself up, he's not so bad... now that he's leaving that is... and he did provide me with much laughter when he was at a distance... But the little monkey and his handlers finally left... Hallelujah! Praise Tac... And good riddance...

Since satan has left me, does that make me born again???

Pondering,
~R

Riley Verses The... Evolution of Darwin

So... I was googling and binging the other day (while mom was at work- she hogs the laptop when she's home) and I came across this fascinating article on what can only be my relatives...

Riley's ancestors - seen here!!!

I mean, I think it's no coincidence that I love wheat products... goldfish crackers, pita chips, wheat thins... It's in my ancient blood to eat plants!

See mom! This is why I do not eat fish! My ancestors were herbivores. :-)

Plant-munching,
~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors

Okay... well lets just say that it was OBVIOUS that *something* was up. I should warn you, if you're not sitting down, you might want to. Mom was (drum roll please....) CLEANING! I know! Now aren't you glad you were sitting down! It wasn't just her usual pick-this-up-and-pile-it-there "cleaning"... She actually got the vacuum monster out... and actually CLEANED! I was very confused... I had never seen her do this before and I had been with her for about a year and a half now (it's roughly the summer of 2010).

Anyway... the "reason" for all this cleaning finally arrives... in a MINIVAN! What the? I watch through the window as my mom stands outside waving as the MINIVAN pulls in... And out steps this taller human. Okay... one person, I can deal with that... Then the back door opens and out pops another human, about the same height as mom... Okay... two people... I can deal with...

WHAT? WAIT... No, no one authorized this... I'm pretty sure in my adoption papers this was STRICTLY forbidden actually... I'll have to run upstairs and dig those out.. this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's a midget! A short person! Someone who does NOT have to bend at the waist to pull my tail... He is so not coming into this house. *stomp*

So, as they marched in, single file, I waited for shorty... and as soon as he walked in, *BAM*, a 1-2 PUSH! Right back out the door. <and the crowd goes wild!> "Riley, what are you doing? Let Noah in"

The cretin has a name??? And she's allowing him in? This is a "kids free" zone... as in, NO KIDS! According to Riley's Adoption paperwork, Section B, Part 5, "Thou shall not allow children (or anyone under 5 feet tall) to enter said premises (aka HOME) for ANY reason. IF, this rule is broken by the adoptee, the adopted party <THAT'S ME!> will not and cannot be held responsible for his actions."

Okay, you're allowing him in <rubs paws together> "Bring it!"

Since I had to come up with a game plan (this was not in my play book since I never ever thought mom would actually let a little person in MY house), I ran upstairs to mastermind my strategy...

After a few hours of calculations, schematics, and pencil sharpening, I knew I had a winner. Let the games begin wee one... oh yes... let the games begin...

The Next Day
I slept pretty soundly, considering I *knew* there was evil lurking in the house... The next morning, mom got up and began to get ready for work. "Mom, you can't go to work, you have to take the day off. You CANNOT leave me here with them!"
"Riley, shush, they're sleeping still.. you'll wake them up"
"But MOM! You CANNOT leave me alone with them!"
"SHHHHHH"
"But..."
"Do you want me to feed you to the raccoons? Is that what you want? Riley, shut - UP!"

<glare>
"Fine, be that way... just remember, I can't be held responsible for my actions... if mini-Satan meets his demise, well, let's just say I warned you!"
"Ri- ley. Shush!"

I sulked off to lie in my sun beam upstairs.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew a football team had started playing defense in the living room... Confused, I ran downstairs to find the dwarf playing with MY TOYS! MY TOYS! Okay, so I don't play with them... but they're MINE and he can't play with them. I chase after the mousey he threw, grabbed it and tried to take off...

"ME-OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" That was my tail! I think it's broke, he must have separated it from my spine... the pain... the pain!!! I open one of my clenched eyes to see that no one saw my performance other than the diminutive one and he was NOT showing any empathy. Okay fine, he didn't pull my tail all that hard, he actually only brushed it... but this COULD have been a disaster. I'm just sayin'

So, the pint-sized person is standing there and staring down at me, he reaches down... to pull my tail? grab my ear? Oh no he won't! And in a flash, I'm on up my hind legs and 1-2 PUSH! And down the munchkin goes! "Float like a butterfly <hop> <hop> Sting like a bee!" Buzzzzzzzz my little friend... BUZZZZZZZ!

The Score:
Riley 1
Pee Wee O

And then the big human comes in and says, "Aww, how cute... you're playing with Riley... Okay, Noah, come on and get in the shower- we're going to head out for the day."
They're leaving! Do a little jig! Happy Dance! Goooooood-bye puny one!

 *stretch* *yawn*

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. And don't bother waking me- you can see yourself out!"

I mean, I knew I was good... but darn, I'm gooooood... they didn't even last 24 hours with me... Yeah boy, see-ya!

Smugly content,
~R

Riley Verses The... Big Disappointment

I know I've been going back in time for all you cyber readers to catch you up on my life... but Friday was my birthday... my real birthday... want to guess who practically forgot???

My MOM! That's who. She picks the date, April 1st (ha ha, who's the fool now???) and then all I get is my dinner (late may I add!) and some pita chips since she said she was too tired to go to the store. No balloons, no new micey toys, no new shoelaces... nothing... a big old nothing. 10 years old and nothing to show for it.

I gave her something though... My birthday and I gave her a "gift." Have you seen her hand? That lovely angry red gash across the back of her hand? Oh yes, that was me... a warning swipe. And if she forgets my birthday again... I'm inviting that Jigsaw guy over... I heard he would "play a game" with her... and teach her a lesson.

Plotting,
~R

Riley Verses The... 10th Year

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

For all of those out there in cyber kitty world that might not be aware of the significance of this day...

It's my BIRTHDAY!!! Oh, yeah, baby... MY birthday... I am 10 years old in human years today... Please forward all presents to Riley in c/o his mom. I like goldfish crackers, shoelaces, pita garlic chips, triscuits and wheat thins (just to give you an idea- I know I can be hard to shop for).

As for me, I know my mom has something HUGE planned for me... She pretended to leave for work today her regular time and even told me that she had to work late for some weekend work thing... as if she would desert me on my birthday... Oh no... she will bring me dessert! She'll be home soon, I'm sure... with presents and shoelaces... and cheddar cheese goldfish crackers... I'll just sit here and wait for her... *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

The birthday boy!
~R

Riley Verses The... Great Flood of 2010

After the mous-capades (there were a few other adventures in Disney World Vermont, but nothing post-worthy), the next big event in my life was the flood. Now, let me remind you... I am an INSIDE cat... So, yes, it flooded INSIDE!!!

Now, you also may recall I'm a *cat* and therefore suffer from aquaphobia...

Let me start at the beginning...

It was really noisy outside the night before the flood. Mom said it was very windy. To me it sounded like dogs howling- but what do I know? I crawled under the covers and made sure my head was under them to block out the howling... What a racket!

The next morning was dreary... no sunbeams to lounge in and then the raindrops... drizzling at first... then pounding the windows... I crawled under the blankets and covered my ears... Then the raindrops sounded closer... I thought I was dreaming... No mom to pinch, so I opened an eye... OMG I'm BLIND!!! I can't see.... I... CAN'T... S... Uh, he he... I'm under the blankets... my bad... so I pop my head out and sure enough, my vision has returned! It's a miracle! Hallelujah, praise Tac!

I jump down to investigate and *splash*! I've been hit! <clutching heart> OMG, I'VE BEEN HIT... I'm feeling faint... Must. Get. Away. From. Water. I'm MELTING... Oh, someone help me... *SPLASH* AHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, so maybe I ran away like a little "scared kitteh" but it's WATER! It burns... oh it burns...

But I gathered my courage up (once I found it that is- would you believe it was hiding under the couch? ) and creeped up the stairs. I slowly eased my head around the corner and sure enough, there were still big splashes of rain coming in... Oh dear... what if the whole house floods before mom gets here??? Must. get. to. higher. ground. I ran into the other bedroom, to the bed mom put up on 6 inch risers (she said she needed more room for her boxed junk, er, stuff). I just curled up onto the stack of blankets and fell asleep... I WAS pretty exhausted from saving myself from near drowning.

Well, sometime later, mom finally came back home from work. I met her at the door and started right in, "MOM, the house is flooding! Save me! Save my food! Save my bed! SAVE ME!"
"What do you WANT Riley?"
"The HOUSE IS FLOODING!!! Grab your goloshes- you're going to start sloshing!
"Stop MEOWiNG Riley- I don't understand what you want. If you were Lassie you could show me; however, you're a cat- so you'll just complain instead. I'll feed you as fast as I can.... Holy cow there is a puddle in the kitchen! This is a two story house. Oh this is bad... very very bad..."

Well, mom took the stairs two at a time with me tagging behind... No water in the foyer... but quite the lake had formed in the bedroom... Mom kept mumbling, "oh no oh no oh no...

I stood off to the side, smugly, since I *tried* to tell her of this latest catastraphe. She should really learn to listen to me... "Murrrrowwwwww"
She stepped on my TAIL!

"Sorry Riley" as she sprinted by.

I followed her to the other bedroom and she stacked some boxes in the closet and then disappeared! She abandoned me to deal with the flood as she got to higher ground? That chicken-liver! "YOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLL" "YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWLLLLLL"
"Riley, SHUT UP!"

And down she comes from the hole in the ceiling... just missing my tail, AGAIN! She grabbed a bucket; shoved it through the ceiling hole and she was gone again... <tap tap tap> I patiently waited... 1 mousey toy... 2 mousey toy... 3 mousey toy.......... 20 mousey toy... 21 mousey toy and here comes mom again... She ran back downstairs to the kitchen.. "Careful mom, there's no "wet floor" sign down there"
"SHUT- UP RILEY!!!"

Geesh, I was just trying to help... She ran back upstairs with a pot... ran back down empty handed... and then put a pot where it was raining in the kitchen... Then she finally took off her jacket and sat down.

"I know this is a bad time and all... but you haven't fed me yet... I understand, you had to get rid of the icky water.... but now you're not doing anything, so I would appreciate my bowl being filled. Please. I said please, you're NOT moving... HELLLLLOOOOOOOO"
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to feed you to the raccoons Riley"
"Okay, so now is not good either.... you just let me know" and I wandered into the living room... at least it was dry in there... About two centuries pass and I finally hear the familiar tapping noise of my bowl being filled....

By the time we got to bed that night, the dripping had stopped in the bedroom... but we could still here the... *drip* *drip* *drip* from the kitchen... Mom mumbled that she hoped it would stop soon and I drifted off to sleep to the rhythmic beat of the waterfall below...

Surprisingly dry...
~R

Riley Verses The... Same Mouse

After two weary evenings of chasing this toy around the kitchen, I finally take a break to sit on a warm lap...  Unfortunately, said lap is shoved under the dining room table and I'm not sure my "big boned" frame will fit there... So I start circling... Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom "WHAT?" "Um, you see, I would like to sit on your lap and there is a table in the way... if you could just back up a bit, I'm sure you can still see what you're doing..." So, mom, even though she talks that gibberish language, appears to understand and backs up.  I promptly jump into her lap and lick the back of her hand, indicating she's been a good girl. No sooner do I shut my eyes, that stupid little box she insists on talking into makes a horrendous noise.  She gets up, obviously forgetting that I was sitting there too (and quite comfortable may I add...) As she yaks and yaks, she sits down on the stairs, so I mosey up a little further and sit on the stair so I can see over her head... I read somewhere that to maintain dominance, you should always be ABOVE your servants. And I begin to doze... I couldn't have been asleep for more than 5 minutes before all of a sudden I'm flying through the air in to the kitchen, What the??? I of course land on all 4's and glare accusingly at mom, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? And she's ranting on and on about something, but isn't she always? So I pay no attention and walk back to my place on the stairs... She is now pacing and considering her tone, I'm sure she is complaining about me again... But what can you expect from the help? And again, I'm tossed in the kitchen... Now I'm getting a bit annoyed, so I stand there, without looking around just having a staring contest with mom... perhaps if I can telepathically send her a message.... think think think... "I.... am..... tired... and .... want.... to .... sleeeeeeeep!!! Stop... tossing.... me.... into.... the.... kitchen...." Now I'll just sit here and see if she got it... She stalks off, so perhaps I had a breakthrough! *stretch* *yawn* Was that a noise??? Was that a tail??? In a single bound I'm across the kitchen checking it out... Sure enough there is a tail... just.... out..... of.... reach... I will sit here and wait... about ten min. later, the toy comes shooting out from behind the stove... I chase it around the kitchen... darn, behind the stove again. That's fine, I'll wait. And slowly it creeps back out, while I lie there statusque, just like my Egyptian ancestors immortally carved into the walls of caves. Now they knew how to treat a Siamese- yes like royalty unlike my own human counterpart... Um, what happened to the mouse? He was just here a second ago... OOH, he's across the room! So, I run across the room, the mouse runs underneath me and I pounce just as he dashes in between the cabinets... I stick my paw in for good measure, but know I don't have a hope of grabbing him... so I jump to the side and like a mighty lion, silently stalk my prey; I wait... Then mom comes in; she might as well have been playing the drums with how much noise she makes just walking across the room... I glare at her as grabs this light thing and shines it in the cabinet space... She yells something at me as she makes a mad dash upstairs... Next thing I know she has the vacuum monster in the kitchen. Um, hello, what are you doing? I have the mouse where I want him... do you understand the strategies I deployed to get him there? I am a strategic mastermind! And you bring down the vacuum monster? NOW you're going to clean the dust bunnies? Now??? You've waited months, couldn't this wait another day? hour? Woah, she's turned it on... and with a single leap I was in the dining room... I hear her mumbling over the ROAR of the beast, "just a little bit closer... just a little bit closer... a little..." *SWOOSH* *THUNK* "AHA! " Mom yells...  I come running in as she's dancing with the ungodly savage, pulling it's weird vacuum monster tail thing up in the air, tapping it... I think she's lost her mind. She finally turns the monster noise off and runs out on the back deck with it... She's back inside in a moment grabbing a pot of water and the garbage pail... From the table, where I know I'm not supposed to be, I peek outside... she's disassembling the beast, pulling out it's stomach, Goo mommy goooo mommy... kill the monster... kill the monster... and then she folds his stomach, puts in the garbage pail and dumps water on it... Woah, watch out here she comes again... She grabs the brick from the bathroom and puts that in the garbage pail too... Maybe the stomach was still hungry? And she's back inside grabbing some sort of greasy substance, looks like a picture of an olive, maybe? And she's sprinkling it around the edge... bet that'll be slippery and that stomach won't be able to escape... she's not such a dumb animal after all! She comes back in and plops back down at the dining room table... again creating an uninhabitable lap space... *sigh* She's so hard to teach anything; you'd think she had a mind of her own... Right before I fell off to sleep, I heard her mumble,

Adoption fee: $90.00
Monthly food: $20.00
His ability to kill a mouse: missing...

Vacuum cleaner: $10.00 at a thrift store
Vacuum bag: $0.50 at a thrift store
The satisfying *swoosh* *thunk* of cornering Mickey: PRICELESS

And that folks, is what really happened...

Riley Verses The... Mouse

So…. I don’t know what all the commotion was about, but since I’m getting a bad rep, I wanted to put my side of the story out there…

On a cool October evening in 2009, I strolled down for my pre-midnight snack. (That stingy mom of mine rations my food - thinks I’m getting chubby. I told her I was just growing into my fur, but as usual she doesn’t listen and tells me to be quiet.) As I was slowly chewing the last few tidbits in my bowl, my big Siamese ears detected a noise coming from the kitchen. I heard it that morning around the fridge, but even with that big stick mom was shoving under the fridge nothing but dust bunnies came out.  Perhaps if she cleaned more often, we wouldn’t have so many bunnies…  As I was saying, ahem, I heard a noise that mom was obviously oblivious to. I called to her, but the light was out and she pretended to not hear me; figures. Being the loyal companion that I am, I staked the joint out… I would show her that I wasn’t fat and useless… so I waited… and waited… and waited… I might have dozed at some point, but I was sacrificing … no warm bed… no covers to snuggle under… geesh… you’d think she would come down to see if I was okay… but NOOOO… just sleeping the night away like she has nothing better to do… Hmmph… Wait, what was that? I think I saw something… AHA! I found the source of the noise! It’s a little thing… like those toys I never play with, only a little bigger… 1 *wiggle*….. 2 *wiggle*……2 ½ *wiggle wiggle*…………….. 3! *Pounce* Darn missed… *POUNCE* I got you- you wascally mousey toy… <shake> <shake> Hmm… didn’t rattle like my toys… I think it’s broken…  so, I brought it up to mom to see if she could fix it… La deee da… Ooh, better be careful… I don’t want any tooth marks on it or she’ll yell at me for being too rough with my toys again… last time all the stuffing and the rattle came out… I tippy-toed up the stairs as quiet as a mouse… he he he… she’ll find that funny, I’ll have to tell her… Up on the bed, ooh her eyes opened… I have to tell her the hilarious thing I said… lets just drop this here… Woah, what happened? Why is mom in the other room now? Why is she yelling at me?  Um.. but… I said the funniest thing! Darn it got away… now how will she fix the rattle? Wait, where did mom go now? Yoooooo hoooooo??? I have a very funny story to tell you… where did you go??? Oh there she is… coming up the stairs with that stick... Anyway… as I was saying... I was heading up the stairs real quiet like see, and I said, "I’ll tippy-toe up the stairs as quiet as a mouse…!" Ha ha ha ha… Get it? I had a mouse… quiet as a mouse?  Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny! Boy sometimes she’s dense… Are you even listening? Why are you after my toy? What are you doing? It’s just a toy… and the rattle is broken… we can just throw it away… Alright alright… I’ll look for it… stop your yelling… What are you doing with that broom? I told you I’m looking… I think it went under the bed… I’ll sneak up on it again… La dee daaaa… HOLY MOLEY! (Holy mousy???) What was that??? <insert large scary mouse shadow here>

Okay, she’s on her own… I’m going downstairs to see if there are any other toys she hasn’t picked up… maybe she should get a housekeeper since she’s obviously not Martha Stewart…

Woah, why is she bringing me upstairs? Didn’t she see that mouse???? (I saw it under the bed and it's HUGE! And SCARY!) I’m outta here… I’ll look later... maybe… but I doubt it… I lost a lot of sleep last night… I think I’ll take a nap… have a good day at work mom… *snore* *snore*

And that is what happened… What did she tell you happened???

Riley Verses The... New House (Part III of III)

Needless to say... Mom didn't throw me out the window of the car... however, shamelessly, there were a few more empty threats made in the hour and a half car ride...

And, now... what you've all been waiting for... drum roll please........ THE. NEW. HOUSE!!! I have made it to the promised land... There are windows! Lots and lots of windows (and spots, but I digress). The sunbeams stream through right on the bed (I again allow mom to stay there too... I know... I'm a saint). And there are boxes (what did you expect????) and plastic tubs in front of the windows with warm, cozy blankets on top to sleep on (when mom isn't piling her clothes on them that is...). I have my own dining room in which I take my meals in... (Mom could too, if she didn't PILE everything on the dining room table- are you noticing a trend???) I have two bathrooms now! (poor mom only has one... he he he) There are three bedrooms upstairs. Mom of course brought all her junk with her, so they quickly filled up. BUT- mom also put a bed in each bedroom so I have my choice (when there isn't stuff PILED on them).

Hmm... what else??? During the winter there is heat that comes out of the wall... there are these vent things that blow hot air... it is like catnip! And mom even put a bed in front of each of the vents! Granted, I had to whisper the idea in her ear for about a month while she was sleeping- remember subliminal messages are your friend!

And best of all... I *DO* have more room to stretch my legs! For the most part, mom does manage to not trash the living room and I have discovered the BEST. TOY. EVER! Mom calls it a shoelace... I call it toy goodness! Mom picks it up and it comes alive! And I turn into CATMAN! Dun na na na na na na na CAT-MAN! What? Someone in trouble? To the CAT-MOBILE! I, however, do not have a trusty side-kick Robin... I'm a lone-rider... But that's fine- I'm all the cat mom can handle anyway. :-)

I guess that's really all I have to say about the new house... I'm glad mom didn't forget me; because I like it here. I think I'll stick around.

Did you hear that??? It sounds like it's in the wall... I wonder what it could be? I think I'll sit here and wait to find out...

Shhh... Be vewwwy vewwwwy quiet...
~R

Riley Verses The... New House (Part II of III)

Okay, so I have a room (and when I say room, I mean bed, food dish and bathroom in an itty-bitty "living" space)... But... mom never leaves me for more than a day or so; I'm sure she'll be back soon... The lady that lives downstairs- she seems okay. She disregarded mom telling her, "only 1/2 cup of dry food for Mr Porky-butt." She fills that measuring cup to the top! No rationing in this house... Yet ironic that I'm in the attic, right? Well, she pet me and talked to me for a few minutes and then went back to her dogs. She smells like them, who wants to talk to a dog-smelling human  anyway... Mom will come get me soon...

Okay... so it's day 2... No sign of mom, but I sit on the bed and watch for her... And every morning and evening the lady comes up and feeds me... I think the lady has been feeding me more to fatten me up to become a treat for her four dogs... What she doesn't know is I've caught on to her devious plot, so I hide some of the food under the bed... It's a win-win situation... she thinks I'm eating and I'm instead hoarding in case she changes her mind and stops feeding me... I know, I'm not the "avvvv-er-age cat!"

III
I have begun scratching the days in the wall behind a box (I wonder if this lady is related to my mom or she just likes boxes too?). Day three... I have been deserted... being held hostage in a tiny cell by a lady trying to fatten me up... Geez, if she knew I wrote, this would sound like a Stephen King novel... <shiver> I'm glad she doesn't look like Kathy Bates!

IIII
Solitary confinement... I'm going to go crazy in here I tell ya... my catnapper (formerly known as "the lady") only comes up to feed me. I try to stay quiet to not upset the dogs, but it's hard... I pretend I like her, but I am hoping to stay on her good side... I'm not relishing the idea of being torn limb from limb.

IIIII
Day 5... A hostage... deserted by the only mom I've ever loved... suckered into believing that I too would be moving to a big new house... but *sigh* alas... my geriatric years will be spent with catnappers and dogs.... Wait, maybe I died and mom was right... maybe if I did lick her hand one more time the devil would take my soul... I'm SO WEAK! The temptation... it was just. too. great... I couldn't help myself! I have been banished to one of the nine circles (nine lives.. nine circles... curious)  Dante so eloquently described! Curse you Dante! Curse you mom... *sniff*

IIIIII
An eternity has passed since I have last seen my beloved mom... I dream she's calling me but can't get by the ferocious hounds to rescue me... I uncurl my tail out the window for her to climb up, but curses, my tail is not as long as I thought... *sniff* *sniff* Well, I guess it's time for my last resort...

Dear God... it's me Riley... I promise to never lick mom's hand again... EVER! I promise not get under her feet... And I promise I'll never ask you for anything ever again... If... well... you just BRING. BACK. MOM! Please... I've been good... today... and I really promise to never ever ask for anything ever again...

Hail mary and all that jazz... (Anyone have any rosemary beads I can kiss?) Also... send rosemary beads... Er... I mean, nevermind... Just send mom... with rosemary beads?

IIIIIII
An entire eon has passed... I am whithering away to skin and bones... I have a pale complexion... I can barely lift my head off my fluffed pillow to even look out the windows... Oh great... and now I'm hearing things... This must be the last step before I walk into the great white light... At least... I'm hearing mom's voice... so I guess I'll go happy... Goodbye Mom... goodbye... may you enjoy your big house all by yourself... no one to greet you at the door (you know, if you had a dog).... no one to care if you got out of work on time... (it's AFTER 5 pm missy, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? My food dish doesn't fill itself!)

Hallucinations... now I see mom... maybe mom is the white light.. okay... I'll walk to her... and enter the other *klunk* Mom's legs are awfully hard to walk through... I need to cross over... Isn't that John guy going to be there to greet me???

Ooh, flying through the air... Wait, MOM picked me up! Mom is real... wait let me pinch HER to make sure... "OUCH!  Riley! What did you do that for?"

She's real! Wooo hoooo she is REAL! She will take me out of this circle of inferno! Goodbye lady... goodbye stinky beasts....

We're in the car... on the way... Mom has me out of the box and I sit on her lap... Hmm... her hand looks pretty tasty... Must. Not. Lick... *Slurp!*

"Stop it, or I will throw you right out the window of this car!"

It's good to be home...
~R

P.S. Dear God...I'm guessing you really didn't have anything to do with mom coming back for me... I knew she would... :-P so yeah, everything I said, "fuggget-about-it." And keep the rosebud beads... I won't be needing them afterall.

Riley Verses The... New House (Part I of III)

Can anybody explain to me WHY on earth every time mom says, "We need more room to stretch your kangaroo legs..." I end up in a smaller space? Anyone? Really? I knew you were all thinking, "Oh boy, Riley is getting a new house... that sounds bigger than a one bedroom apt! Yay for Riley!" But NO... I'll tell you my 'tale' of woe...

It all began back in the early spring of 2009... Mom started bringing home all these empty boxes... "FINALLY!" I thought... She is FINALLY going to get rid of some of her worthless junk that takes room away from me... :-D Then she sits down and tells me that she found this house... she knew I would love it- more windows, more room, more heating vents... (and more mice, but she was unaware of that "more") Wow... more room... more heat... more windows and sunbeams... I am in cat-heaven! When do we leave? I'll have my bag packed in a moment! Okay... I'm ready- let's GO!

But, we didn't leave as quickly as I thought we would... nope, not at all... Instead, every day mom would pack up a couple of boxes and take more precious square footage of sunbeamage from me. Then one day, finally, she started hauling all the boxes out... It's about time- time to move to the HOUSE! Woo hoo! But, no, she was just storing the boxes elsewhere, because as soon as they were gone, she started replacing them with more boxes... For one person, she has a lot of JUNK! I should have gotten her an organizing service for Christmas to help her purge some of this junk... Seriously, do you really think she's going to use 200 pounds of yarn in her lifetime???

Anyway, no need to bore you with all the details that bored me... So, moving day finally arrives... Yes! More room to run around! So, mom puts me in my itty bitty tiny box and we're on our way to our new house! And we're driving and driving and driving and driving... Didn't she say the house was near the apt? Did she get lost? I start complaining and she tells me to be quiet... And FINALLY, the car comes to a stop... Wow, smell that fresh air, we must have gone straight up a mountain to get out of the stench of downtown... I cannot wait to stretch. my. legs! Wait, what is that sound? Is that a dog? There is a dog at MY new house? Holy cow, make that DOGS at MY new house! What is this treachery??? And for heaven's sake, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????

Shhhh*** I'm in the house... with the dogs... I see the dogs... a white dog... a black dog... a reddish and white dog... and a short little tan one....I am going to become a scooby snack... I have to go now... I need to hide... please wish me luck...

In hiding,
~R

Riley Verses The... Nightmare

Days turned into weeks... Weeks into months... And mom and I settled into a routine. I took pity on her furless self and allowed her to share the bed with me... even *under* the covers  (though my allergist advised me not to, but I could only take her whining at the door for so long... she was just so pathetic).

Then one evening in early spring, I had a horrible nightmare! In this terrible dream I was swimming (I know!) and trying to catch salmon (hmm, I wonder where this one originated from??? Mom? Any guesses??? ^.-)! I was kicking and kicking and kicking and ... OUCH! Something bit me my toe! And nearly simultaneously, "OOOOOOWWWWW" Wait, that wasn't me... that was mom! Did something bite her too? I was suddenly flooded in light, the air temperature dropped about 30 degrees as the covers flew to the ground, so I jumped off the bed! Mom yelled for me to come back... so I sulked back to find her holding her arm, this red stuff trickling down to her wrist...  I jump up to allow her to pet me and she gasped! Before I knew it I was in the bathroom with warm water (water people! Coincidence??? I think not!) running over my paw. I tried to fight her in protest, but even wounded she's stronger than me... She mumbled to herself, "darn it darn it darn it darn it!!! Please stop bleeding!!!" I glance over at her arm between yowls and see that it HAD stopped bleeding... "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" But she pretended to not understand... finally the blessed water turned off and she wrapped me up in a cocoon of towel. I'm guessing it's about 3 am, so off to bed we would go. I'll forgive her for nearly drowning me.... Wait, what is she doing? Rummaging through the pantry at 3 am? Really mom? You're going to bake a cake now? Do you really think you need, the ahem, CALORIES? While I tried to tactfully tell her that refraining from sugary goodness in the middle of the night is the right thing to do (at the very least, for her hips alone...) , she shoved my paw into a palm-full of white stuff! Any chemistry majors out there? What happens when you take a wet paw, shove it in a white organic powder (later to be determined; corn starch) and then wave it around like I'm conducting the Philharmonic??? That's right people... I put a little, itty bitty, teensy weensy hole in her arm and she's fitting me with CE-MENT. SHOES!!! I've watched the Catfather... I know what happens next... Bada-bing- I'm sinking to the bottom of the river... But then she brings me back to bed... I suppose she's too lazy to bring me there now... I mean, geesh... she must have burned 3.4 calories nearly drowning me.... she's probably pooped!

As she began to snore ("I do not snore Riley" I know! I'm using my literary license... you told the world I snore! "But you do!" Well, now you do too! :-P), I slipped off the bed looking for a piece of paper and a crayon... Since I was a goner, I would like to write my last yowl and testament..

To Whom it May  Concern:
I, Riley, of sound mind would like to disperse of my worldly goods as I will no longer need them in heaven... I leave all of the un-played catnip mice to my successor- may you have more luck with this crazy loon than I... I leave all my barely played with fuzzy balls to the vacuum cleaner- since it took them from me in life anyway... And well... I leave my socks to Mom- since they really were hers to begin with... Mom, you might want to sit down... but there is no sock monster in the washing machine... I helped myself to your clean laundry basket (perhaps if you could put stuff away sooner, this wouldn't have happened... you really only have yourself to blame *tsk *tsk) and I took one of each of your socks I could find... I, of course, wouldn't take both of them... I'm not greedy... however, I have left them behind the sofa cushion. I was going to leave them behind the vacuum cleaner since you never go near that, but that would mean, every time I wanted them, *I* would have had to go near the vacuum. No thank you. So.... I leave my vast sock collection to my mom... And with that... good bye world... It's been great while it lasted...

And, the next morning, as predicted... I was shoved into my tiny little box and taken for a ride... We passed a few bridges, but I guess none of them were good enough for her... We drove about 50 minutes and finally she stopped... The end of the line... I wasn't even offered a last meal??? She grabbed my box and brought me inside somewhere? Wait, I knew that smell? I was at the VET'S OFFICE! Oh man, this was worse than cement shoes and the attempted drowning... The vet lady checked out my paw- probably trying to determine what bit me and it was then that I noticed my little talon was dangling... :-O DANGLING! They are NOT accessories! They're not supposed to dangle! Maybe I was tortured for information? But... wait a minute.. was I "water-boarded" last night??? Is that why my claw... my precious, dangerous, claw is DANGLING? Do I have information the humans want??? "What are you doing with that needle vet lady???" Ooh, I'm getting sleepy... *snore* *snore*

Oh no! I've been brought back to the inhumane shelter... Why don't they just complete the look and put me in stripes??? Maybe a tin cup to run along the steel bars that hold me hostage... As I was just about to feel sorry for myself, some kind soul came by and released me... *darn it* back into the smaller box... Wait, mom must be here then!!! :-D And as we rounded the counter, there she was... I'd know that corduroy from anywhere... I tried to hug her through the bars and it was then that I realized... I had a cast on! I couldn't feel my paw... did they remove it? And leave me with this pink hideous cast? Did mom forget to tell them I 'm a BOY!?!?!? And if they didn't remove this ugly pinkness... I couldn't get to my dangling claw... I couldn't lick it better... I was going to get gangrene and they're going to take my whole arm! I'll be called "Hop Along Riley" Oh, how humiliating!!! How could she do this to me??? Water-boarding... my claw nearly ripped off... now potential gangrene... what next? Is she going to try to neuter me??? GASP!!! O. M. G!!! I'm too late! No wonder I have a pink cast!

Good night cruel world... good night... Tomorrow I'm going to find that river and throw myself into it...

Missing... pieces of me...
~R

Riley Verses The... Vacuum Cleaner

Well, as the title suggests... I "met" the vacuum cleaner. It was NOT a "how do you do? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Would you like a saucer of cream?" moment. It was more of a, "what the???? Why are you GROWLING at me? *swat* *swat* Don't get any closer... I'll... I'll... I'll... RUN!!!" And I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I ran... like a prissy, little belladonna... oh yes, I ran... mad dash to the bedroom... and well... under the bed. Okay... okay... I know what you're thinking... how can this big, strong, cat be afraid of a vacuum cleaner??? Well... it was loud! And it came straight. At. Me. Mom had pushed it away from her (I think she was afraid too- I've only seen her go near it a couple of times since I've known her!!!) right at me and I took off (after a few good swats of course- I was about to go for the KO, but then all of a sudden it stopped and went back towards mom!). Okay, I *should* have protected mom from the beast, but I had already started running. Do you have any idea of the amount of skid-dage I would have gotten across hardwood floors if I tried to stop while doing mach 3 around the corner? I would have easily gone through the bedroom wall... And I was only thinking of mom and how much it would cost to fill in the hole... Not to mention the firemen who would have been called to get me out of the tree I would have inevitably landed in... So, as you can see... I was really just looking out for mom's financial well-being. :-D The sacrifices I'm willing to make... I'm sure when my nine-lives are up I'll be known as "St. Riley of Barre," Saint of Sacrifices....


Until next time...


*Grrrrrrrr*(sorry if I scared you- I was mimicking the vacuum...)
~R

Riley Verses The ... First Few Weeks

Hello again world... Time for a new installment of "Nine Lives To Live" starring yours truly.

Ahem, after settling in that first day, the next few weeks flew by in a blur. I had to begin to train this new human, I suppose to make it easier, we can call her "mom." So, Mom was obviously new to this being owned by a cat thing... but the weird part was, I smelled another cat had been there. I can only assume it was a traveling sales cat or a gyps-cat since mom hadn't a clue. It was like starting with a baby. I had to herd her to my food dish to fill it (some very tasty crunchy morsels) and change my stagnant water. And then in the evenings she would put down this wet slop. She would pet my head and tell me it's "yummy salmon" and that it would be fantastic. Yeah, fantastic if it weren't in *my* dish! Fish? Seriously? How many cats do you see swimming in the stream to eat? I haven't met one. I'm a land-lover matey, I want T-U-R-K-E-Y. So, as any self-respecting cat would do, I turned my nose up and then howled like I was starving to death... I even threw myself on the floor for effect but she just stepped over me (*stepped OVER me* people- anyone know the number to animal control??? I'm slowly starving to death and she doesn't even CARE!). Since my dramatics were ignored, I went back to my dish and ate some of my crunchy tidbits; I figured at least when I died of starvation, I would have a full crunchy belly. :-)

Then there was the issue of this noise box... I swatted at it, knocked it over, but it continued to make this horrendous sound. I burrowed deeper under the covers, but without fail, mom would also swat at it and make it stop. Ah silence, blessed... what the? Wait, mom is getting up? It's DARK out... we don't get up when it's dark- we wait until the sunbeams shine through the windows (she also has obviously never heard of windex- my beams of warmth are interrupted by SPOTS!). So, she gets up, staggers over to my dish and fills it up with some more crunchy goodness, changes my water and begins doing all those crazy things humans do to leave the house... She pats me on the head and tells me to be good. As if. I curl up in my bed and give her my "of course I'm an angel!" look as she walks out the door... And the whole place is mine! :-D Since I will need all my strength to get into mischief, I will take a quick little cat nap... *snore* *snore* *snore* Hey- I didn't tell you to type that! I don't want everyone to know I snore. No, stop typing! S-T-O-P  T-Y-P---- *swat*

*Streeeeetttttccccccchhhhhhh* (you know you're jealous!) *Yawn* That was the most excellent nap... now what to destroy first... I think the sofa needs some fluffing. So, I swagger my way over to the sofa, eying the soft green cushions, flexing my fierce, well-sharpened claws, as I dive in for the kill I hear a crunching noise. I stop mid-leap, hit my nose on the coffee table and land with a thud, er I mean, on my paws ever so gracefully. *blink* *blink* The door opens and in comes MOM! What is she doing home? I only slept for like 5 minutes... She walks in and asks how my day was... she's calm... how can she be calm? She must have been canned if she's back home this early... I am too handsome to be homeless...or *gasp* what if she brings me back to the inhumane shelter? I was getting used to this place... it's not that bad... but... but... it's DARK outside again? How did it get dark again? That spinner looks like it's pointing at the 5... Did I really sleep 8 hours? I must have... Oh thank goodness... *phew* Oh dear, she's opening another can... tonight is "pot roast"... of course cats eat pot roasts... I mean, 12 pound cat verses 400 pound cow, you know the cat will just tip. her. right. over. <eyes rolling> T-U-R-K-E-Y... What do I have to do to this insane woman to get through??? Gobble?

*Gobble* *Gobble*
~R

Riley Verses The... New Human

My name is Riley (hence the title of the blog) and I am nearly 10 years old in human years. Approximately 3 years ago I moved from my previous dwelling (involuntarily mind you...) into what was called a "humane society." Now, please tell me, what is humane about keeping me locked up in a 3'x3'x2' box? Seriously, they should be called the "inhumane society" with how *I* was treated. But I digress... ahem, where was I?

So, three years ago I began living with this new human... She found me in my little, pathetic box and said that I needed more room to stretch out my long legs and vocal cords (did I mention I am Siamese???)...  So what does my "savior" do??? get this, she puts me in a *smaller* box (seriously people?) then puts me in a car (I used to live outside, yes I know what a car is... :-P) and drives and drives and drives and drives... I am pretty sure I am now living on the other side of the world. (Should I say "yeeoooowwww-mate" now?) We make it "home" and I check out my new residence... It'll do I suppose... one bedroom, one bed... I wonder where she'll sleep? Sun beams peak through windows, check... food dish, check... WITH food, double check!... water dish, check... bathroom, check... I guess I can make do with this and the human seems nice enough. She tells me that she's my new mom and I lick my paw, pretending not to listen to her. It's good to set the house rules when one moves into a new house and I was certainly not going to let her think for even a second that I would listen to her... if she wanted someone to listen she can get herself a dog (but not on MY watch!) or a shrink...

That was day one folks... Other than her launching me across the room a couple of times when I accidentally got in front of her (geesh, don't people watch where they're walking???) there isn't much to report... Oh the date was January 1st, 2008, I was about 7 years old (get this, the new human gave me a birthday of April 1st... she said something about fools???) and I'm a very handsome blue point siamese (and single!).


Yowls and meows,
~R