Riley Verses The... Resolutions

Ha Ha! Mommy dearest only thought I would make it til the 13th... And *plllllllllsssssssssssss* I made it to January 17th! Boooo- yahhhh! (Yes, granted it IS February 8th that I'm telling you this...) Yeah, boooooyyyy! *Happy Dance* <wiggle, wiggle, punch the air, punch the air>

Alright... perhaps I shouldn't be so excited that I made it only 17 days... but that is still FOUR. DAYS. LONGER. than Ms. "Know-it-all" said I would. I *knew* I could make it longer than just 13 days... and I did! (btw, did you notice the scratch on her nose today? I was having this fabulous dream last night about catnip and warm, soft carpets to roll around on... I rolled, she rolled, her nose got in the way. ^.- ).

As for the rest of the resolutions... well, lets just say they're a work in process...  a labor of love if you will... Mom loves me and I like to entertain her ideas...

When mom actually remembers to fill up my treat chamber of doom, I have managed to (relatively) silently empty it (psss, come in close, I have a secret to tell you... Mom doesn't realize that I can hook my claw under the turn-y thing and swivel it around so that the BIG hole is allowing treats to fall... I just have to remember to turn it back so mom doesn't get suspicious... It was a REALLY close call the other day... But fortunately for me, mom's sister text messaged her while she was picking up the treat ball and Ms. "I-can-multitask-and-only-pay-partial-attention-to-the-15-things-I'm-doing" ended up filling it without realizing she never even opened it! *snicker*).

As for the tripping/launching down the stairs... I have not gotten any sort of blinking lights for my tale, but I do try to get down the stairs while mom makes the bed. It seems to be working for now, claws crossed... but no promises if mom is lazy one morning and doesn't bother making the bed...

And, she is STILL rolling over while she sleeps... it does seem to be kept to a minimum and for the most part, I try to stay under the covers (I live in VERMONT people... even with this "global warming" thing, it is still FAR too cold for me! And have I mentioned that mom doesn't even heat the bedroom? Nope, she has this mattress pad on the bed that she plugs into the wall. It gets toasty warm under the covers, but you pop your head out and icicles start forming on your whiskers... Have you ever sneezed ice cubes??? I have!!! ^.-

And finally, last, but most certainly not least... I have been using my "listening skills" (thank you "mommy-of-the-short one" for a phrase that just never seems to lose funny-ness to my mom) and I will actually stop whining the 418th time mom asks me to stop... Sometimes, on special occasions (like I have food in my mouth or I'm too muffled to be heard under 27 blankets) I even stop BEFORE mom gets to 418! I think that should earn me extra treats or at least "honorary" days for meeting (and EXCEEDING!) my resolutions...

And that's all for now folks... the sun is creeping through the living room window and I better go keep it company before it runs away again...

Still striving...
~R

Riley Verses The... Torture Treat Chamber

The Torture Treat Chamber... Mom is really putting the screws to me now... She thinks I need a diet... that I should *work* for my treats... Maybe I should padlock the fridge and see if she enjoys *working* for her food...    -.^

This is an evil exciting sphere of treat-giving irritation goodness. The idea is to bat it through a window around the room, and allow the treat to naturally fall from an unnaturally small hole the window in the top of the torturous toy. Doesn't that sound like malicious torment fun???

You would not believe the mad skillz I posses to HIDE this sucker (you know, once it is emptied... Darn you tasty-treat-goodness!!!) Because... once it is hidden, and mom cannot find it, she is forced to just hand me my treats! (Thank you Greenies Company for coming out with such fine tasting specimen of extra calories!)

The other day, mom came home with this thing and tricked me... I hear her chirp, "Riley want a treat???" Well, cat-gone it, does the sun rise every morning? Of COURSE I want a treat! So I prance out to the dining room, singing, "Yes I do... oh yes I do... Yes I do!!!" And that is when she hands it to me... the aforementioned chamber of doom... At first, mom would smack it around (yes, yes, I have her well trained... :-D ) and I would follow the treat paved line. Then, she stopped. SHE. STOPPED! Um, hello? If you don't hit the ball-y thing, I do not get treats... <glare> After what seemed an eternity, I finally decided to *pat* *pat* the thing myself... and nothing... <glare> *PAT* *PAT* nothing... *PAAAT* *SMACK* Woo-hoo, pay dirt! One whole treat. What? One? For all that work I get ONE. LOUSY. TREAT???

Okay... if that's how it's going to be... *Ka-pow*  *nom nom nom* *Ka-boom!* *nom nom nom* *Hiiiiiiiiii - yaaaaaa* *nom nom nom*

Aww, look at that... you're now empty... as empty as your dark soul, you devious device of misery... And if you disappear- you will not be a thorn in my side any longer... so... lets see... *grunt* *groan* there you go, under the loveseat with the cobwebs... back to the depths of Dante's inferno.... back you go to your third circle... (Side-note: our esteemed blogger, Riley, unknowingly chose the "gluttony" circle; coincidence???) Goodbye and good ridden! Now to clean these cobwebs off of me...

It was about three days later and I hear Jigsaw (aka mom) demonically hiss, "I want to play a game..." And cat-gone it! It was back! How did mom find it??? She NEVER looks under the loveseat... *hrmph* I didn't want to... but it was filled with TREATS! I couldn't turn my back on it when it was full of crunchy morsels... it needed my help... to empty its bulging belly of delicacies. I could sacrifice a few more moments of my time to smack it to kingdom come, er, inferno come.

This time I hid it MUCH better. So much better in fact, that I am not even telling my loyal readers where I hid it- in case you feel the need to tell my mom... Because so far, she has not been able to locate its whereabouts... She's sent out an APB... Looked under the loveseat, the bench, the tv stand... but alas...

"Oh where oh where did the little toy go? Oh where oh where can it be? With its belly void and empty of treats... oh where oh where is it???"

Hiding and not seeking...
~R

Riley Verses The... Strange Sight

'Twas the Day Before Sunday...

'Twas the day before Sunday....
The alarm did ring.
The coffee began brewing...
The birds outside sing.

Mom swings her legs off,
Of the bed and stands up.
As per the morning custom,
I trip her up

She regains her balance
And slowly descends
Careful to not kick
Me (as she really intends).

Pours herself a cup
Of coffee, sugar and cream
I circle around
My dish is empty it seems

As she dumped food in my bowl
I happened to see
Four hooves and a tail
Galloping up Bassett Street

A deer? On the road????
Now that doesn't seem right...
I will rub my eyes...
And look again in better light...

Holy smokes it's a deer!
Quick get my arrows and bow
Venison for dinner!
Oh wait... it's a doe...

And I hear her exclaim
As she trots out of sight
Nanny nanny poo poo *sppppttth*
You can't have a bite!

Riley Verses The... Nightmare

Days turned into weeks... Weeks into months... And mom and I settled into a routine. I took pity on her furless self and allowed her to share the bed with me... even *under* the covers  (though my allergist advised me not to, but I could only take her whining at the door for so long... she was just so pathetic).

Then one evening in early spring, I had a horrible nightmare! In this terrible dream I was swimming (I know!) and trying to catch salmon (hmm, I wonder where this one originated from??? Mom? Any guesses??? ^.-)! I was kicking and kicking and kicking and ... OUCH! Something bit me my toe! And nearly simultaneously, "OOOOOOWWWWW" Wait, that wasn't me... that was mom! Did something bite her too? I was suddenly flooded in light, the air temperature dropped about 30 degrees as the covers flew to the ground, so I jumped off the bed! Mom yelled for me to come back... so I sulked back to find her holding her arm, this red stuff trickling down to her wrist...  I jump up to allow her to pet me and she gasped! Before I knew it I was in the bathroom with warm water (water people! Coincidence??? I think not!) running over my paw. I tried to fight her in protest, but even wounded she's stronger than me... She mumbled to herself, "darn it darn it darn it darn it!!! Please stop bleeding!!!" I glance over at her arm between yowls and see that it HAD stopped bleeding... "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" But she pretended to not understand... finally the blessed water turned off and she wrapped me up in a cocoon of towel. I'm guessing it's about 3 am, so off to bed we would go. I'll forgive her for nearly drowning me.... Wait, what is she doing? Rummaging through the pantry at 3 am? Really mom? You're going to bake a cake now? Do you really think you need, the ahem, CALORIES? While I tried to tactfully tell her that refraining from sugary goodness in the middle of the night is the right thing to do (at the very least, for her hips alone...) , she shoved my paw into a palm-full of white stuff! Any chemistry majors out there? What happens when you take a wet paw, shove it in a white organic powder (later to be determined; corn starch) and then wave it around like I'm conducting the Philharmonic??? That's right people... I put a little, itty bitty, teensy weensy hole in her arm and she's fitting me with CE-MENT. SHOES!!! I've watched the Catfather... I know what happens next... Bada-bing- I'm sinking to the bottom of the river... But then she brings me back to bed... I suppose she's too lazy to bring me there now... I mean, geesh... she must have burned 3.4 calories nearly drowning me.... she's probably pooped!

As she began to snore ("I do not snore Riley" I know! I'm using my literary license... you told the world I snore! "But you do!" Well, now you do too! :-P), I slipped off the bed looking for a piece of paper and a crayon... Since I was a goner, I would like to write my last yowl and testament..

To Whom it May  Concern:
I, Riley, of sound mind would like to disperse of my worldly goods as I will no longer need them in heaven... I leave all of the un-played catnip mice to my successor- may you have more luck with this crazy loon than I... I leave all my barely played with fuzzy balls to the vacuum cleaner- since it took them from me in life anyway... And well... I leave my socks to Mom- since they really were hers to begin with... Mom, you might want to sit down... but there is no sock monster in the washing machine... I helped myself to your clean laundry basket (perhaps if you could put stuff away sooner, this wouldn't have happened... you really only have yourself to blame *tsk *tsk) and I took one of each of your socks I could find... I, of course, wouldn't take both of them... I'm not greedy... however, I have left them behind the sofa cushion. I was going to leave them behind the vacuum cleaner since you never go near that, but that would mean, every time I wanted them, *I* would have had to go near the vacuum. No thank you. So.... I leave my vast sock collection to my mom... And with that... good bye world... It's been great while it lasted...

And, the next morning, as predicted... I was shoved into my tiny little box and taken for a ride... We passed a few bridges, but I guess none of them were good enough for her... We drove about 50 minutes and finally she stopped... The end of the line... I wasn't even offered a last meal??? She grabbed my box and brought me inside somewhere? Wait, I knew that smell? I was at the VET'S OFFICE! Oh man, this was worse than cement shoes and the attempted drowning... The vet lady checked out my paw- probably trying to determine what bit me and it was then that I noticed my little talon was dangling... :-O DANGLING! They are NOT accessories! They're not supposed to dangle! Maybe I was tortured for information? But... wait a minute.. was I "water-boarded" last night??? Is that why my claw... my precious, dangerous, claw is DANGLING? Do I have information the humans want??? "What are you doing with that needle vet lady???" Ooh, I'm getting sleepy... *snore* *snore*

Oh no! I've been brought back to the inhumane shelter... Why don't they just complete the look and put me in stripes??? Maybe a tin cup to run along the steel bars that hold me hostage... As I was just about to feel sorry for myself, some kind soul came by and released me... *darn it* back into the smaller box... Wait, mom must be here then!!! :-D And as we rounded the counter, there she was... I'd know that corduroy from anywhere... I tried to hug her through the bars and it was then that I realized... I had a cast on! I couldn't feel my paw... did they remove it? And leave me with this pink hideous cast? Did mom forget to tell them I 'm a BOY!?!?!? And if they didn't remove this ugly pinkness... I couldn't get to my dangling claw... I couldn't lick it better... I was going to get gangrene and they're going to take my whole arm! I'll be called "Hop Along Riley" Oh, how humiliating!!! How could she do this to me??? Water-boarding... my claw nearly ripped off... now potential gangrene... what next? Is she going to try to neuter me??? GASP!!! O. M. G!!! I'm too late! No wonder I have a pink cast!

Good night cruel world... good night... Tomorrow I'm going to find that river and throw myself into it...

Missing... pieces of me...
~R

Riley Verses The... Vacuum Cleaner

Well, as the title suggests... I "met" the vacuum cleaner. It was NOT a "how do you do? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Would you like a saucer of cream?" moment. It was more of a, "what the???? Why are you GROWLING at me? *swat* *swat* Don't get any closer... I'll... I'll... I'll... RUN!!!" And I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I ran... like a prissy, little belladonna... oh yes, I ran... mad dash to the bedroom... and well... under the bed. Okay... okay... I know what you're thinking... how can this big, strong, cat be afraid of a vacuum cleaner??? Well... it was loud! And it came straight. At. Me. Mom had pushed it away from her (I think she was afraid too- I've only seen her go near it a couple of times since I've known her!!!) right at me and I took off (after a few good swats of course- I was about to go for the KO, but then all of a sudden it stopped and went back towards mom!). Okay, I *should* have protected mom from the beast, but I had already started running. Do you have any idea of the amount of skid-dage I would have gotten across hardwood floors if I tried to stop while doing mach 3 around the corner? I would have easily gone through the bedroom wall... And I was only thinking of mom and how much it would cost to fill in the hole... Not to mention the firemen who would have been called to get me out of the tree I would have inevitably landed in... So, as you can see... I was really just looking out for mom's financial well-being. :-D The sacrifices I'm willing to make... I'm sure when my nine-lives are up I'll be known as "St. Riley of Barre," Saint of Sacrifices....


Until next time...


*Grrrrrrrr*(sorry if I scared you- I was mimicking the vacuum...)
~R

Riley Verses The ... First Few Weeks

Hello again world... Time for a new installment of "Nine Lives To Live" starring yours truly.

Ahem, after settling in that first day, the next few weeks flew by in a blur. I had to begin to train this new human, I suppose to make it easier, we can call her "mom." So, Mom was obviously new to this being owned by a cat thing... but the weird part was, I smelled another cat had been there. I can only assume it was a traveling sales cat or a gyps-cat since mom hadn't a clue. It was like starting with a baby. I had to herd her to my food dish to fill it (some very tasty crunchy morsels) and change my stagnant water. And then in the evenings she would put down this wet slop. She would pet my head and tell me it's "yummy salmon" and that it would be fantastic. Yeah, fantastic if it weren't in *my* dish! Fish? Seriously? How many cats do you see swimming in the stream to eat? I haven't met one. I'm a land-lover matey, I want T-U-R-K-E-Y. So, as any self-respecting cat would do, I turned my nose up and then howled like I was starving to death... I even threw myself on the floor for effect but she just stepped over me (*stepped OVER me* people- anyone know the number to animal control??? I'm slowly starving to death and she doesn't even CARE!). Since my dramatics were ignored, I went back to my dish and ate some of my crunchy tidbits; I figured at least when I died of starvation, I would have a full crunchy belly. :-)

Then there was the issue of this noise box... I swatted at it, knocked it over, but it continued to make this horrendous sound. I burrowed deeper under the covers, but without fail, mom would also swat at it and make it stop. Ah silence, blessed... what the? Wait, mom is getting up? It's DARK out... we don't get up when it's dark- we wait until the sunbeams shine through the windows (she also has obviously never heard of windex- my beams of warmth are interrupted by SPOTS!). So, she gets up, staggers over to my dish and fills it up with some more crunchy goodness, changes my water and begins doing all those crazy things humans do to leave the house... She pats me on the head and tells me to be good. As if. I curl up in my bed and give her my "of course I'm an angel!" look as she walks out the door... And the whole place is mine! :-D Since I will need all my strength to get into mischief, I will take a quick little cat nap... *snore* *snore* *snore* Hey- I didn't tell you to type that! I don't want everyone to know I snore. No, stop typing! S-T-O-P  T-Y-P---- *swat*

*Streeeeetttttccccccchhhhhhh* (you know you're jealous!) *Yawn* That was the most excellent nap... now what to destroy first... I think the sofa needs some fluffing. So, I swagger my way over to the sofa, eying the soft green cushions, flexing my fierce, well-sharpened claws, as I dive in for the kill I hear a crunching noise. I stop mid-leap, hit my nose on the coffee table and land with a thud, er I mean, on my paws ever so gracefully. *blink* *blink* The door opens and in comes MOM! What is she doing home? I only slept for like 5 minutes... She walks in and asks how my day was... she's calm... how can she be calm? She must have been canned if she's back home this early... I am too handsome to be homeless...or *gasp* what if she brings me back to the inhumane shelter? I was getting used to this place... it's not that bad... but... but... it's DARK outside again? How did it get dark again? That spinner looks like it's pointing at the 5... Did I really sleep 8 hours? I must have... Oh thank goodness... *phew* Oh dear, she's opening another can... tonight is "pot roast"... of course cats eat pot roasts... I mean, 12 pound cat verses 400 pound cow, you know the cat will just tip. her. right. over. <eyes rolling> T-U-R-K-E-Y... What do I have to do to this insane woman to get through??? Gobble?

*Gobble* *Gobble*
~R

Riley Verses The... New Human

My name is Riley (hence the title of the blog) and I am nearly 10 years old in human years. Approximately 3 years ago I moved from my previous dwelling (involuntarily mind you...) into what was called a "humane society." Now, please tell me, what is humane about keeping me locked up in a 3'x3'x2' box? Seriously, they should be called the "inhumane society" with how *I* was treated. But I digress... ahem, where was I?

So, three years ago I began living with this new human... She found me in my little, pathetic box and said that I needed more room to stretch out my long legs and vocal cords (did I mention I am Siamese???)...  So what does my "savior" do??? get this, she puts me in a *smaller* box (seriously people?) then puts me in a car (I used to live outside, yes I know what a car is... :-P) and drives and drives and drives and drives... I am pretty sure I am now living on the other side of the world. (Should I say "yeeoooowwww-mate" now?) We make it "home" and I check out my new residence... It'll do I suppose... one bedroom, one bed... I wonder where she'll sleep? Sun beams peak through windows, check... food dish, check... WITH food, double check!... water dish, check... bathroom, check... I guess I can make do with this and the human seems nice enough. She tells me that she's my new mom and I lick my paw, pretending not to listen to her. It's good to set the house rules when one moves into a new house and I was certainly not going to let her think for even a second that I would listen to her... if she wanted someone to listen she can get herself a dog (but not on MY watch!) or a shrink...

That was day one folks... Other than her launching me across the room a couple of times when I accidentally got in front of her (geesh, don't people watch where they're walking???) there isn't much to report... Oh the date was January 1st, 2008, I was about 7 years old (get this, the new human gave me a birthday of April 1st... she said something about fools???) and I'm a very handsome blue point siamese (and single!).


Yowls and meows,
~R