Days turned into weeks... Weeks into months... And mom and I settled into a routine. I took pity on her furless self and allowed her to share the bed with me... even *under* the covers (though my allergist advised me not to, but I could only take her whining at the door for so long... she was just so pathetic).
Then one evening in early spring, I had a horrible nightmare! In this terrible dream I was swimming (I know!) and trying to catch salmon (hmm, I wonder where this one originated from??? Mom? Any guesses??? ^.-)! I was kicking and kicking and kicking and ... OUCH! Something bit me my toe! And nearly simultaneously, "OOOOOOWWWWW" Wait, that wasn't me... that was mom! Did something bite her too? I was suddenly flooded in light, the air temperature dropped about 30 degrees as the covers flew to the ground, so I jumped off the bed! Mom yelled for me to come back... so I sulked back to find her holding her arm, this red stuff trickling down to her wrist... I jump up to allow her to pet me and she gasped! Before I knew it I was in the bathroom with warm water (water people! Coincidence??? I think not!) running over my paw. I tried to fight her in protest, but even wounded she's stronger than me... She mumbled to herself, "darn it darn it darn it darn it!!! Please stop bleeding!!!" I glance over at her arm between yowls and see that it HAD stopped bleeding... "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" But she pretended to not understand... finally the blessed water turned off and she wrapped me up in a cocoon of towel. I'm guessing it's about 3 am, so off to bed we would go. I'll forgive her for nearly drowning me.... Wait, what is she doing? Rummaging through the pantry at 3 am? Really mom? You're going to bake a cake now? Do you really think you need, the ahem, CALORIES? While I tried to tactfully tell her that refraining from sugary goodness in the middle of the night is the right thing to do (at the very least, for her hips alone...) , she shoved my paw into a palm-full of white stuff! Any chemistry majors out there? What happens when you take a wet paw, shove it in a white organic powder (later to be determined; corn starch) and then wave it around like I'm conducting the Philharmonic??? That's right people... I put a little, itty bitty, teensy weensy hole in her arm and she's fitting me with CE-MENT. SHOES!!! I've watched the Catfather... I know what happens next... Bada-bing- I'm sinking to the bottom of the river... But then she brings me back to bed... I suppose she's too lazy to bring me there now... I mean, geesh... she must have burned 3.4 calories nearly drowning me.... she's probably pooped!
As she began to snore ("I do not snore Riley" I know! I'm using my literary license... you told the world I snore! "But you do!" Well, now you do too! :-P), I slipped off the bed looking for a piece of paper and a crayon... Since I was a goner, I would like to write my last yowl and testament..
To Whom it May Concern:
I, Riley, of sound mind would like to disperse of my worldly goods as I will no longer need them in heaven... I leave all of the un-played catnip mice to my successor- may you have more luck with this crazy loon than I... I leave all my barely played with fuzzy balls to the vacuum cleaner- since it took them from me in life anyway... And well... I leave my socks to Mom- since they really were hers to begin with... Mom, you might want to sit down... but there is no sock monster in the washing machine... I helped myself to your clean laundry basket (perhaps if you could put stuff away sooner, this wouldn't have happened... you really only have yourself to blame *tsk *tsk) and I took one of each of your socks I could find... I, of course, wouldn't take both of them... I'm not greedy... however, I have left them behind the sofa cushion. I was going to leave them behind the vacuum cleaner since you never go near that, but that would mean, every time I wanted them, *I* would have had to go near the vacuum. No thank you. So.... I leave my vast sock collection to my mom... And with that... good bye world... It's been great while it lasted...
And, the next morning, as predicted... I was shoved into my tiny little box and taken for a ride... We passed a few bridges, but I guess none of them were good enough for her... We drove about 50 minutes and finally she stopped... The end of the line... I wasn't even offered a last meal??? She grabbed my box and brought me inside somewhere? Wait, I knew that smell? I was at the VET'S OFFICE! Oh man, this was worse than cement shoes and the attempted drowning... The vet lady checked out my paw- probably trying to determine what bit me and it was then that I noticed my little talon was dangling... :-O DANGLING! They are NOT accessories! They're not supposed to dangle! Maybe I was tortured for information? But... wait a minute.. was I "water-boarded" last night??? Is that why my claw... my precious, dangerous, claw is DANGLING? Do I have information the humans want??? "What are you doing with that needle vet lady???" Ooh, I'm getting sleepy... *snore* *snore*
Oh no! I've been brought back to the inhumane shelter... Why don't they just complete the look and put me in stripes??? Maybe a tin cup to run along the steel bars that hold me hostage... As I was just about to feel sorry for myself, some kind soul came by and released me... *darn it* back into the smaller box... Wait, mom must be here then!!! :-D And as we rounded the counter, there she was... I'd know that corduroy from anywhere... I tried to hug her through the bars and it was then that I realized... I had a cast on! I couldn't feel my paw... did they remove it? And leave me with this pink hideous cast? Did mom forget to tell them I 'm a BOY!?!?!? And if they didn't remove this ugly pinkness... I couldn't get to my dangling claw... I couldn't lick it better... I was going to get gangrene and they're going to take my whole arm! I'll be called "Hop Along Riley" Oh, how humiliating!!! How could she do this to me??? Water-boarding... my claw nearly ripped off... now potential gangrene... what next? Is she going to try to neuter me??? GASP!!! O. M. G!!! I'm too late! No wonder I have a pink cast!
Good night cruel world... good night... Tomorrow I'm going to find that river and throw myself into it...
Missing... pieces of me...
~R
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