Riley Verses The... Same Mouse

After two weary evenings of chasing this toy around the kitchen, I finally take a break to sit on a warm lap...  Unfortunately, said lap is shoved under the dining room table and I'm not sure my "big boned" frame will fit there... So I start circling... Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom "WHAT?" "Um, you see, I would like to sit on your lap and there is a table in the way... if you could just back up a bit, I'm sure you can still see what you're doing..." So, mom, even though she talks that gibberish language, appears to understand and backs up.  I promptly jump into her lap and lick the back of her hand, indicating she's been a good girl. No sooner do I shut my eyes, that stupid little box she insists on talking into makes a horrendous noise.  She gets up, obviously forgetting that I was sitting there too (and quite comfortable may I add...) As she yaks and yaks, she sits down on the stairs, so I mosey up a little further and sit on the stair so I can see over her head... I read somewhere that to maintain dominance, you should always be ABOVE your servants. And I begin to doze... I couldn't have been asleep for more than 5 minutes before all of a sudden I'm flying through the air in to the kitchen, What the??? I of course land on all 4's and glare accusingly at mom, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? And she's ranting on and on about something, but isn't she always? So I pay no attention and walk back to my place on the stairs... She is now pacing and considering her tone, I'm sure she is complaining about me again... But what can you expect from the help? And again, I'm tossed in the kitchen... Now I'm getting a bit annoyed, so I stand there, without looking around just having a staring contest with mom... perhaps if I can telepathically send her a message.... think think think... "I.... am..... tired... and .... want.... to .... sleeeeeeeep!!! Stop... tossing.... me.... into.... the.... kitchen...." Now I'll just sit here and see if she got it... She stalks off, so perhaps I had a breakthrough! *stretch* *yawn* Was that a noise??? Was that a tail??? In a single bound I'm across the kitchen checking it out... Sure enough there is a tail... just.... out..... of.... reach... I will sit here and wait... about ten min. later, the toy comes shooting out from behind the stove... I chase it around the kitchen... darn, behind the stove again. That's fine, I'll wait. And slowly it creeps back out, while I lie there statusque, just like my Egyptian ancestors immortally carved into the walls of caves. Now they knew how to treat a Siamese- yes like royalty unlike my own human counterpart... Um, what happened to the mouse? He was just here a second ago... OOH, he's across the room! So, I run across the room, the mouse runs underneath me and I pounce just as he dashes in between the cabinets... I stick my paw in for good measure, but know I don't have a hope of grabbing him... so I jump to the side and like a mighty lion, silently stalk my prey; I wait... Then mom comes in; she might as well have been playing the drums with how much noise she makes just walking across the room... I glare at her as grabs this light thing and shines it in the cabinet space... She yells something at me as she makes a mad dash upstairs... Next thing I know she has the vacuum monster in the kitchen. Um, hello, what are you doing? I have the mouse where I want him... do you understand the strategies I deployed to get him there? I am a strategic mastermind! And you bring down the vacuum monster? NOW you're going to clean the dust bunnies? Now??? You've waited months, couldn't this wait another day? hour? Woah, she's turned it on... and with a single leap I was in the dining room... I hear her mumbling over the ROAR of the beast, "just a little bit closer... just a little bit closer... a little..." *SWOOSH* *THUNK* "AHA! " Mom yells...  I come running in as she's dancing with the ungodly savage, pulling it's weird vacuum monster tail thing up in the air, tapping it... I think she's lost her mind. She finally turns the monster noise off and runs out on the back deck with it... She's back inside in a moment grabbing a pot of water and the garbage pail... From the table, where I know I'm not supposed to be, I peek outside... she's disassembling the beast, pulling out it's stomach, Goo mommy goooo mommy... kill the monster... kill the monster... and then she folds his stomach, puts in the garbage pail and dumps water on it... Woah, watch out here she comes again... She grabs the brick from the bathroom and puts that in the garbage pail too... Maybe the stomach was still hungry? And she's back inside grabbing some sort of greasy substance, looks like a picture of an olive, maybe? And she's sprinkling it around the edge... bet that'll be slippery and that stomach won't be able to escape... she's not such a dumb animal after all! She comes back in and plops back down at the dining room table... again creating an uninhabitable lap space... *sigh* She's so hard to teach anything; you'd think she had a mind of her own... Right before I fell off to sleep, I heard her mumble,

Adoption fee: $90.00
Monthly food: $20.00
His ability to kill a mouse: missing...

Vacuum cleaner: $10.00 at a thrift store
Vacuum bag: $0.50 at a thrift store
The satisfying *swoosh* *thunk* of cornering Mickey: PRICELESS

And that folks, is what really happened...

Riley Verses The... Mouse

So…. I don’t know what all the commotion was about, but since I’m getting a bad rep, I wanted to put my side of the story out there…

On a cool October evening in 2009, I strolled down for my pre-midnight snack. (That stingy mom of mine rations my food - thinks I’m getting chubby. I told her I was just growing into my fur, but as usual she doesn’t listen and tells me to be quiet.) As I was slowly chewing the last few tidbits in my bowl, my big Siamese ears detected a noise coming from the kitchen. I heard it that morning around the fridge, but even with that big stick mom was shoving under the fridge nothing but dust bunnies came out.  Perhaps if she cleaned more often, we wouldn’t have so many bunnies…  As I was saying, ahem, I heard a noise that mom was obviously oblivious to. I called to her, but the light was out and she pretended to not hear me; figures. Being the loyal companion that I am, I staked the joint out… I would show her that I wasn’t fat and useless… so I waited… and waited… and waited… I might have dozed at some point, but I was sacrificing … no warm bed… no covers to snuggle under… geesh… you’d think she would come down to see if I was okay… but NOOOO… just sleeping the night away like she has nothing better to do… Hmmph… Wait, what was that? I think I saw something… AHA! I found the source of the noise! It’s a little thing… like those toys I never play with, only a little bigger… 1 *wiggle*….. 2 *wiggle*……2 ½ *wiggle wiggle*…………….. 3! *Pounce* Darn missed… *POUNCE* I got you- you wascally mousey toy… <shake> <shake> Hmm… didn’t rattle like my toys… I think it’s broken…  so, I brought it up to mom to see if she could fix it… La deee da… Ooh, better be careful… I don’t want any tooth marks on it or she’ll yell at me for being too rough with my toys again… last time all the stuffing and the rattle came out… I tippy-toed up the stairs as quiet as a mouse… he he he… she’ll find that funny, I’ll have to tell her… Up on the bed, ooh her eyes opened… I have to tell her the hilarious thing I said… lets just drop this here… Woah, what happened? Why is mom in the other room now? Why is she yelling at me?  Um.. but… I said the funniest thing! Darn it got away… now how will she fix the rattle? Wait, where did mom go now? Yoooooo hoooooo??? I have a very funny story to tell you… where did you go??? Oh there she is… coming up the stairs with that stick... Anyway… as I was saying... I was heading up the stairs real quiet like see, and I said, "I’ll tippy-toe up the stairs as quiet as a mouse…!" Ha ha ha ha… Get it? I had a mouse… quiet as a mouse?  Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny! Boy sometimes she’s dense… Are you even listening? Why are you after my toy? What are you doing? It’s just a toy… and the rattle is broken… we can just throw it away… Alright alright… I’ll look for it… stop your yelling… What are you doing with that broom? I told you I’m looking… I think it went under the bed… I’ll sneak up on it again… La dee daaaa… HOLY MOLEY! (Holy mousy???) What was that??? <insert large scary mouse shadow here>

Okay, she’s on her own… I’m going downstairs to see if there are any other toys she hasn’t picked up… maybe she should get a housekeeper since she’s obviously not Martha Stewart…

Woah, why is she bringing me upstairs? Didn’t she see that mouse???? (I saw it under the bed and it's HUGE! And SCARY!) I’m outta here… I’ll look later... maybe… but I doubt it… I lost a lot of sleep last night… I think I’ll take a nap… have a good day at work mom… *snore* *snore*

And that is what happened… What did she tell you happened???

Riley Verses The... New House (Part III of III)

Needless to say... Mom didn't throw me out the window of the car... however, shamelessly, there were a few more empty threats made in the hour and a half car ride...

And, now... what you've all been waiting for... drum roll please........ THE. NEW. HOUSE!!! I have made it to the promised land... There are windows! Lots and lots of windows (and spots, but I digress). The sunbeams stream through right on the bed (I again allow mom to stay there too... I know... I'm a saint). And there are boxes (what did you expect????) and plastic tubs in front of the windows with warm, cozy blankets on top to sleep on (when mom isn't piling her clothes on them that is...). I have my own dining room in which I take my meals in... (Mom could too, if she didn't PILE everything on the dining room table- are you noticing a trend???) I have two bathrooms now! (poor mom only has one... he he he) There are three bedrooms upstairs. Mom of course brought all her junk with her, so they quickly filled up. BUT- mom also put a bed in each bedroom so I have my choice (when there isn't stuff PILED on them).

Hmm... what else??? During the winter there is heat that comes out of the wall... there are these vent things that blow hot air... it is like catnip! And mom even put a bed in front of each of the vents! Granted, I had to whisper the idea in her ear for about a month while she was sleeping- remember subliminal messages are your friend!

And best of all... I *DO* have more room to stretch my legs! For the most part, mom does manage to not trash the living room and I have discovered the BEST. TOY. EVER! Mom calls it a shoelace... I call it toy goodness! Mom picks it up and it comes alive! And I turn into CATMAN! Dun na na na na na na na CAT-MAN! What? Someone in trouble? To the CAT-MOBILE! I, however, do not have a trusty side-kick Robin... I'm a lone-rider... But that's fine- I'm all the cat mom can handle anyway. :-)

I guess that's really all I have to say about the new house... I'm glad mom didn't forget me; because I like it here. I think I'll stick around.

Did you hear that??? It sounds like it's in the wall... I wonder what it could be? I think I'll sit here and wait to find out...

Shhh... Be vewwwy vewwwwy quiet...
~R

Riley Verses The... New House (Part II of III)

Okay, so I have a room (and when I say room, I mean bed, food dish and bathroom in an itty-bitty "living" space)... But... mom never leaves me for more than a day or so; I'm sure she'll be back soon... The lady that lives downstairs- she seems okay. She disregarded mom telling her, "only 1/2 cup of dry food for Mr Porky-butt." She fills that measuring cup to the top! No rationing in this house... Yet ironic that I'm in the attic, right? Well, she pet me and talked to me for a few minutes and then went back to her dogs. She smells like them, who wants to talk to a dog-smelling human  anyway... Mom will come get me soon...

Okay... so it's day 2... No sign of mom, but I sit on the bed and watch for her... And every morning and evening the lady comes up and feeds me... I think the lady has been feeding me more to fatten me up to become a treat for her four dogs... What she doesn't know is I've caught on to her devious plot, so I hide some of the food under the bed... It's a win-win situation... she thinks I'm eating and I'm instead hoarding in case she changes her mind and stops feeding me... I know, I'm not the "avvvv-er-age cat!"

III
I have begun scratching the days in the wall behind a box (I wonder if this lady is related to my mom or she just likes boxes too?). Day three... I have been deserted... being held hostage in a tiny cell by a lady trying to fatten me up... Geez, if she knew I wrote, this would sound like a Stephen King novel... <shiver> I'm glad she doesn't look like Kathy Bates!

IIII
Solitary confinement... I'm going to go crazy in here I tell ya... my catnapper (formerly known as "the lady") only comes up to feed me. I try to stay quiet to not upset the dogs, but it's hard... I pretend I like her, but I am hoping to stay on her good side... I'm not relishing the idea of being torn limb from limb.

IIIII
Day 5... A hostage... deserted by the only mom I've ever loved... suckered into believing that I too would be moving to a big new house... but *sigh* alas... my geriatric years will be spent with catnappers and dogs.... Wait, maybe I died and mom was right... maybe if I did lick her hand one more time the devil would take my soul... I'm SO WEAK! The temptation... it was just. too. great... I couldn't help myself! I have been banished to one of the nine circles (nine lives.. nine circles... curious)  Dante so eloquently described! Curse you Dante! Curse you mom... *sniff*

IIIIII
An eternity has passed since I have last seen my beloved mom... I dream she's calling me but can't get by the ferocious hounds to rescue me... I uncurl my tail out the window for her to climb up, but curses, my tail is not as long as I thought... *sniff* *sniff* Well, I guess it's time for my last resort...

Dear God... it's me Riley... I promise to never lick mom's hand again... EVER! I promise not get under her feet... And I promise I'll never ask you for anything ever again... If... well... you just BRING. BACK. MOM! Please... I've been good... today... and I really promise to never ever ask for anything ever again...

Hail mary and all that jazz... (Anyone have any rosemary beads I can kiss?) Also... send rosemary beads... Er... I mean, nevermind... Just send mom... with rosemary beads?

IIIIIII
An entire eon has passed... I am whithering away to skin and bones... I have a pale complexion... I can barely lift my head off my fluffed pillow to even look out the windows... Oh great... and now I'm hearing things... This must be the last step before I walk into the great white light... At least... I'm hearing mom's voice... so I guess I'll go happy... Goodbye Mom... goodbye... may you enjoy your big house all by yourself... no one to greet you at the door (you know, if you had a dog).... no one to care if you got out of work on time... (it's AFTER 5 pm missy, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? My food dish doesn't fill itself!)

Hallucinations... now I see mom... maybe mom is the white light.. okay... I'll walk to her... and enter the other *klunk* Mom's legs are awfully hard to walk through... I need to cross over... Isn't that John guy going to be there to greet me???

Ooh, flying through the air... Wait, MOM picked me up! Mom is real... wait let me pinch HER to make sure... "OUCH!  Riley! What did you do that for?"

She's real! Wooo hoooo she is REAL! She will take me out of this circle of inferno! Goodbye lady... goodbye stinky beasts....

We're in the car... on the way... Mom has me out of the box and I sit on her lap... Hmm... her hand looks pretty tasty... Must. Not. Lick... *Slurp!*

"Stop it, or I will throw you right out the window of this car!"

It's good to be home...
~R

P.S. Dear God...I'm guessing you really didn't have anything to do with mom coming back for me... I knew she would... :-P so yeah, everything I said, "fuggget-about-it." And keep the rosebud beads... I won't be needing them afterall.

Riley Verses The... New House (Part I of III)

Can anybody explain to me WHY on earth every time mom says, "We need more room to stretch your kangaroo legs..." I end up in a smaller space? Anyone? Really? I knew you were all thinking, "Oh boy, Riley is getting a new house... that sounds bigger than a one bedroom apt! Yay for Riley!" But NO... I'll tell you my 'tale' of woe...

It all began back in the early spring of 2009... Mom started bringing home all these empty boxes... "FINALLY!" I thought... She is FINALLY going to get rid of some of her worthless junk that takes room away from me... :-D Then she sits down and tells me that she found this house... she knew I would love it- more windows, more room, more heating vents... (and more mice, but she was unaware of that "more") Wow... more room... more heat... more windows and sunbeams... I am in cat-heaven! When do we leave? I'll have my bag packed in a moment! Okay... I'm ready- let's GO!

But, we didn't leave as quickly as I thought we would... nope, not at all... Instead, every day mom would pack up a couple of boxes and take more precious square footage of sunbeamage from me. Then one day, finally, she started hauling all the boxes out... It's about time- time to move to the HOUSE! Woo hoo! But, no, she was just storing the boxes elsewhere, because as soon as they were gone, she started replacing them with more boxes... For one person, she has a lot of JUNK! I should have gotten her an organizing service for Christmas to help her purge some of this junk... Seriously, do you really think she's going to use 200 pounds of yarn in her lifetime???

Anyway, no need to bore you with all the details that bored me... So, moving day finally arrives... Yes! More room to run around! So, mom puts me in my itty bitty tiny box and we're on our way to our new house! And we're driving and driving and driving and driving... Didn't she say the house was near the apt? Did she get lost? I start complaining and she tells me to be quiet... And FINALLY, the car comes to a stop... Wow, smell that fresh air, we must have gone straight up a mountain to get out of the stench of downtown... I cannot wait to stretch. my. legs! Wait, what is that sound? Is that a dog? There is a dog at MY new house? Holy cow, make that DOGS at MY new house! What is this treachery??? And for heaven's sake, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????

Shhhh*** I'm in the house... with the dogs... I see the dogs... a white dog... a black dog... a reddish and white dog... and a short little tan one....I am going to become a scooby snack... I have to go now... I need to hide... please wish me luck...

In hiding,
~R

Riley Verses The... Nightmare

Days turned into weeks... Weeks into months... And mom and I settled into a routine. I took pity on her furless self and allowed her to share the bed with me... even *under* the covers  (though my allergist advised me not to, but I could only take her whining at the door for so long... she was just so pathetic).

Then one evening in early spring, I had a horrible nightmare! In this terrible dream I was swimming (I know!) and trying to catch salmon (hmm, I wonder where this one originated from??? Mom? Any guesses??? ^.-)! I was kicking and kicking and kicking and ... OUCH! Something bit me my toe! And nearly simultaneously, "OOOOOOWWWWW" Wait, that wasn't me... that was mom! Did something bite her too? I was suddenly flooded in light, the air temperature dropped about 30 degrees as the covers flew to the ground, so I jumped off the bed! Mom yelled for me to come back... so I sulked back to find her holding her arm, this red stuff trickling down to her wrist...  I jump up to allow her to pet me and she gasped! Before I knew it I was in the bathroom with warm water (water people! Coincidence??? I think not!) running over my paw. I tried to fight her in protest, but even wounded she's stronger than me... She mumbled to herself, "darn it darn it darn it darn it!!! Please stop bleeding!!!" I glance over at her arm between yowls and see that it HAD stopped bleeding... "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" But she pretended to not understand... finally the blessed water turned off and she wrapped me up in a cocoon of towel. I'm guessing it's about 3 am, so off to bed we would go. I'll forgive her for nearly drowning me.... Wait, what is she doing? Rummaging through the pantry at 3 am? Really mom? You're going to bake a cake now? Do you really think you need, the ahem, CALORIES? While I tried to tactfully tell her that refraining from sugary goodness in the middle of the night is the right thing to do (at the very least, for her hips alone...) , she shoved my paw into a palm-full of white stuff! Any chemistry majors out there? What happens when you take a wet paw, shove it in a white organic powder (later to be determined; corn starch) and then wave it around like I'm conducting the Philharmonic??? That's right people... I put a little, itty bitty, teensy weensy hole in her arm and she's fitting me with CE-MENT. SHOES!!! I've watched the Catfather... I know what happens next... Bada-bing- I'm sinking to the bottom of the river... But then she brings me back to bed... I suppose she's too lazy to bring me there now... I mean, geesh... she must have burned 3.4 calories nearly drowning me.... she's probably pooped!

As she began to snore ("I do not snore Riley" I know! I'm using my literary license... you told the world I snore! "But you do!" Well, now you do too! :-P), I slipped off the bed looking for a piece of paper and a crayon... Since I was a goner, I would like to write my last yowl and testament..

To Whom it May  Concern:
I, Riley, of sound mind would like to disperse of my worldly goods as I will no longer need them in heaven... I leave all of the un-played catnip mice to my successor- may you have more luck with this crazy loon than I... I leave all my barely played with fuzzy balls to the vacuum cleaner- since it took them from me in life anyway... And well... I leave my socks to Mom- since they really were hers to begin with... Mom, you might want to sit down... but there is no sock monster in the washing machine... I helped myself to your clean laundry basket (perhaps if you could put stuff away sooner, this wouldn't have happened... you really only have yourself to blame *tsk *tsk) and I took one of each of your socks I could find... I, of course, wouldn't take both of them... I'm not greedy... however, I have left them behind the sofa cushion. I was going to leave them behind the vacuum cleaner since you never go near that, but that would mean, every time I wanted them, *I* would have had to go near the vacuum. No thank you. So.... I leave my vast sock collection to my mom... And with that... good bye world... It's been great while it lasted...

And, the next morning, as predicted... I was shoved into my tiny little box and taken for a ride... We passed a few bridges, but I guess none of them were good enough for her... We drove about 50 minutes and finally she stopped... The end of the line... I wasn't even offered a last meal??? She grabbed my box and brought me inside somewhere? Wait, I knew that smell? I was at the VET'S OFFICE! Oh man, this was worse than cement shoes and the attempted drowning... The vet lady checked out my paw- probably trying to determine what bit me and it was then that I noticed my little talon was dangling... :-O DANGLING! They are NOT accessories! They're not supposed to dangle! Maybe I was tortured for information? But... wait a minute.. was I "water-boarded" last night??? Is that why my claw... my precious, dangerous, claw is DANGLING? Do I have information the humans want??? "What are you doing with that needle vet lady???" Ooh, I'm getting sleepy... *snore* *snore*

Oh no! I've been brought back to the inhumane shelter... Why don't they just complete the look and put me in stripes??? Maybe a tin cup to run along the steel bars that hold me hostage... As I was just about to feel sorry for myself, some kind soul came by and released me... *darn it* back into the smaller box... Wait, mom must be here then!!! :-D And as we rounded the counter, there she was... I'd know that corduroy from anywhere... I tried to hug her through the bars and it was then that I realized... I had a cast on! I couldn't feel my paw... did they remove it? And leave me with this pink hideous cast? Did mom forget to tell them I 'm a BOY!?!?!? And if they didn't remove this ugly pinkness... I couldn't get to my dangling claw... I couldn't lick it better... I was going to get gangrene and they're going to take my whole arm! I'll be called "Hop Along Riley" Oh, how humiliating!!! How could she do this to me??? Water-boarding... my claw nearly ripped off... now potential gangrene... what next? Is she going to try to neuter me??? GASP!!! O. M. G!!! I'm too late! No wonder I have a pink cast!

Good night cruel world... good night... Tomorrow I'm going to find that river and throw myself into it...

Missing... pieces of me...
~R

Riley Verses The... Vacuum Cleaner

Well, as the title suggests... I "met" the vacuum cleaner. It was NOT a "how do you do? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Would you like a saucer of cream?" moment. It was more of a, "what the???? Why are you GROWLING at me? *swat* *swat* Don't get any closer... I'll... I'll... I'll... RUN!!!" And I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I ran... like a prissy, little belladonna... oh yes, I ran... mad dash to the bedroom... and well... under the bed. Okay... okay... I know what you're thinking... how can this big, strong, cat be afraid of a vacuum cleaner??? Well... it was loud! And it came straight. At. Me. Mom had pushed it away from her (I think she was afraid too- I've only seen her go near it a couple of times since I've known her!!!) right at me and I took off (after a few good swats of course- I was about to go for the KO, but then all of a sudden it stopped and went back towards mom!). Okay, I *should* have protected mom from the beast, but I had already started running. Do you have any idea of the amount of skid-dage I would have gotten across hardwood floors if I tried to stop while doing mach 3 around the corner? I would have easily gone through the bedroom wall... And I was only thinking of mom and how much it would cost to fill in the hole... Not to mention the firemen who would have been called to get me out of the tree I would have inevitably landed in... So, as you can see... I was really just looking out for mom's financial well-being. :-D The sacrifices I'm willing to make... I'm sure when my nine-lives are up I'll be known as "St. Riley of Barre," Saint of Sacrifices....


Until next time...


*Grrrrrrrr*(sorry if I scared you- I was mimicking the vacuum...)
~R