Riley Verses The... Fairy Tale

My dahhhl-ing readers... All good things must come to an end... And this will be my final blog post... I know... I know!!! You want more... Of course you do.... I am, quite frankly, an amazing kitty-boy... But the time has come to bid adieu...

After reflecting these past couple of weeks and reading my blog from the beginning, I realized I left something out... Every good fairy tale (and I have certainly lived like Prince Charming the past number of years...) starts with, "Once Upon a Time..." and ends with, "And they lived happily ever after..." You see, my devoted fans... My blog started with the, "happily ever after..." part... And it was a fantastic, (nearly) 7 year run before, "The End" caught up with me... But I feel that you should know my fairy tale... since you have already laughed and loved with me the second half of my life...

Once Upon a Time...

In a manger (okay, if you have to be picky, it was a garage... not a huge difference... poetic license people, ever heard of it??? Now, if you don't mind... can I continue??? Fabulous...) far, far away (because Vermont's motto is, "You can't get the-ah from he-ah" and to translate to proper English, "You can't get there from here." And I assure you, you can't....), a devastatingly handsome little Siamese Prince was born... Three wise kitties... following the one street light in town... presented me with gifts... Gold, catnip mice and purrs... (bling, toys and well wishes...). I was bestowed with the name... Buzzella...

The next eight weeks went by in a blur... I grew stronger, more handsome and more regal by the second... Until this old lady picked me up, tearing me from my kitty mommy and dragged me home with her... I doth protested loudly, but I do believe her hearing aid was turned off that day... I was ignored... IGNORED! Can you believe that?!?!? Ignored... I knew this was not a good sign... And then we arrived home...

The Third Circle of Hell - as described by Dante...

This Crazy Lady should be on an episode of Hoarders! I was not meant to live among these peasants! I am ROYALTY! Look at those baby blues... that stature... I see no commonality between them and me! I was told they would be my step-siblings... Yes, "step," I'd like to step all over them... Hrmph...

And the horror of it all... I had to share the food dish... the water dish... beds... PETTING TIME!!! and *gasp* the litter boxes... Of all the indignities... And of course, due to my extraordinary breeding, I was polite... "Excuse me, may I have a turn eating?" was responded to with hisses and growls... I do believe this was where I began my loathing of most food... A bite of salmon tidbits was not worth the smacks to my perfectly beautiful face... so I would wait until the least desirable of the foods would come out... my heavenly turkey entree... And do you think my exceptional manners brought extra attention? Indeed not! But EXTRA chores! I never made a mess... but I was constantly being told to clean them up... And to help out the bazillion "siblings" that I had... "Buzzella, your sissy needs her mousey toy... bring it to her..." "Buzzella, your brother needs more vitamin D, stop hogging the window seat..." "Buzzella! Buzzella! Buzzella!" Seriously people... someone was going to get slapped!

With all the constant noise, I found my voice... During the loudest times (typically meal time) I worked on my command voice... deep from the diaphragm... I had requested a camo jacket and combat boots, but was only met with an icy glare from the Cat Lady... So, I worked with what I had...

can you see me now???

Once I realized I had a harmonious tenor voice, I used it ALL the time... I told the Cat Lady of my day... the indignities I suffered... the toys I lost to the bullies... how I would scramble for the turkey... and how I worked on my quads to jump higher... and get above it all... where I should be... but she didn't listen... didn't respond... just ignored me and petted the others... I know it wasn't right of me... but I became jealous... When I finally got a chance to be petted... I growled, hissed and batted at anything that tried to get between me and the Cat Lady... And I was then labeled... Buzzella the nuisance...

I endured this inhumane and cruel environment for about seven years... Then one particularly bright and beautiful November day... I met my fairy god-mother (I believe she said her name was, Withanimal Control). She was my angel in disguise... She put me in a tiny box and transported me to another place with a lot of other felines... but we at least all had our own little cages... so I was not forced to socialize among them... (I can now certainly sympathize with Waity -Kate... Miss Duchess...). I was then transferred to a high traffic store... People were constantly coming and going... Some to come in and glance at all the fabulous kitties... and others were there just to buy things, completely ignoring the insane amount of cuteness behind the glassed wall...

After over a month in my new residence... time and time again I was passed over for the "cute" little kittens... I was too old... too mature... not frisky enough... I wasn't a kitten anymore... and no one wanted me... It was still better than the Cat Lady's house... but still... Then, right around Christmas time, in walked this Eskimo-like person... bundled from head to toe... I couldn't even see its face... Slowly the mittens, the scarf, the hood were removed.... and out popped this chubby little profile with ringlets framing her face... I thought to myself, for what seemed to be the 100th time that day... "Great, another rejection over a kitten," since I was sharing this apt. complex with three lovely, playful, non-stop squeakers... I sadly said, "hello miss and how are you today?" as she passed... Except, she didn't pass?!?!?! She stopped! Right in front of MY CAGE! She placed one of her newly un-mittened hands up to the cage door and said, "Hello pretty... um... BOY! Why in the world would someone give you up???" I was so excited to have someone pay attention, I nearly got my nose stuck in between the bars squishing my face into her open palm... One of the people that were usually there, came over and asked if this Curly-locked lady wanted the cage opened... and... are you sitting down???

She did!

And out I jumped, right into her arms... I licked her chin raw in under 30 seconds (a personal best for me... thank you... thank you... please hold your applause...). She read my name card, "Buzz" (apparently they shortened my name for me... >^.-<) aloud and shook her head... "Oh no... my last little girl had the Life of Riley... so you, my little Prince Charming, will be known as Riley from here on out..." 

And from that day forward, Riley was the one and only Prince in the castle that they shared overlooking the city below (as it should be... the peasants!)...

And They Lived Happily Ever After...

Curled up under the blankets with Mom...

Mommy and Me...

The End.

~R

P.S. Riley, the beloved author of this blog... was diagnosed with lymphoma in September 2014... He put up a valiant fight... but could only hold back the inevitable for so long... Only the good die young... RIP my little angel boy... 04/01/01 - 10/06/14... 

Riley Verses The... Elmyra-esque Visitor Part 2

Alright... so Part 2 of this saga... Ellie did stay for about a week, so I have plenty of material... ;-)

Everything was going along swimmingly... Mom would take Ellie out in the morning and not return til in the evening... but as they entered, the wafting of the offensive stench of leftovers filled the room... Why would someone eat such repugnant morsels of sushi or bbq topped pizza??? Dis-gusting! Pass me my bland, tasteless (MOM! Stop putting words in my mouth... this is MY blog - get your own if you think you have even half the creative writing prowess as I possess...) delicious turkey mash any day!

And then came the snow...

And more snow... And more snow... And more snow...

And do you know what happens when it snows??? Mom does not leave the house with Ellie...  >^.-<

Let that sink in people...

Ellie

does

not

leave

the

house....

Do I need to remind you of the strangle hold? No, I didn't think I did... So, what is a kitty to do???

Well... Mom is now forced to cook a meal for her... And I'll have to admit... those steak fajitas DID smell pretty tasty... but, being the finicky, temperamental (MOM! Not warning you again about this...) POLITE kitty that I am... I did not ask for any... nor was I offered any... (side eye... Mom...) So, they nom nom nom'd and watched movies all day... They watched some silly trilogy thing-a-ma-jiggy... Mom claimed the first one came out the year she was born... Who knew movies have been around THAT long?!?!?!? (I mean... in cat years... mom is... well.... a relic... That's why I'm here... to look after her ancient self...) Anyway... the two of them watched movies all day... and I actually found this agreeable since I had a choice of laps to sit in... I mostly, of course, sat in Mommy's, since lets be real... she wasn't about to strangle me... However... about half way through the movie marathon... mom started calling me something other than my name...

Resemblance, I do not see one...

Give up? Imagine my ears pushed down a little further...

That's right! They started calling me Yoda! Yoda!?!?!?!? Mommy even had the AUDACITY to say if she could get the pic at a slightly different angle, my neanderthal (*gasp*) forehead would even FURTHER resemble this green goblin... *Hrmphhhh* THE NERVE! I may never speak to her again... 

today... 

within the next 10 minutes... 

that would show her! ("No Riley, it's, "Show her, I will..." Bwaaaa ha ha ha ha ha!!!" You are SOOOOO not funny... lets just leave the writing to me, shall we? "Writing to you, I will..." ;-)) *sigh* Mommy is so hard to train...

Anywho... The next day they were both outside clearing the snow from the driveway and car... and were off again... leaving me, once again, to enjoy the solitude of my house... *yawn* And after a few days... Mom left me overnight, but came back by herself the next day... Fortunately for her, I had not changed the locks yet...

Life is good...

~R

Riley Verses The... Elmyra-esque Visitor Part 1

Long ago, there was a cartoon on TV called Tiny Toon Adventures. There was a character named Elmyra Duff ...

This is Elmyra... the cartoon character...

This is who Elmyra was based on... Meet Mommy's niece... We'll call her "Ellie" to protect the not-so-innocent...   ^.-

Ellie holding me...

A little too tight...

Close up of my "happy" face... (Sorry for the poor quality.. mom is cheap and decided to get a phone without a suitable camera to catch my devastatingly handsome good looks...)

Grumpy Cat who???

Eh, hem, where was I? Oh yes... "Ellie."

On one frigidly cold and unwelcoming Vermont day (we have about 357 of those yearly), Mom left the house with a backpack slung over her shoulder and a decidedly menacing laugh (that to her *probably* sounded like, "Be good Riley, I'll be back late tonight...). I, of course, wondered what was in the pack. I had somehow slept through her packing it and was at a loss as to where she would be going all day and through MY dinnertime. Hrmmph!

And as promised, mom rolled back up at the house around 0200 (that's 2 am for you civilians out there). Since I know it annoys her when she doesn't know where I am, I stretch... I yawn... I stretch again... And wait until I hear the key scratching at the door before I *think* about heading down the stairs to greet her... It is late after all and I *was* sleeping. One final stretch and I meander around the corner...

WHAT?????

WHO is that with her?????

No one informed me that I was sharing MY house with ANOTHER human... I only allow mom to live here since she does, well, kind of, sort of, you know... pays the bills... But I *should* have a roof over my head... free food to eat... free healthcare... I am a democat... (oh yeah, I went there...) It's my RIGHT to life, liberty and the pursuit of others hard-earned cash (AKA, happiness... ;-))!

And then I was spotted... That's right, Ellie drops her bags and makes a beeline in my direction. ~.^ I'm too rotund tired to dart out of reach. I brace myself for the worst... but she only pats me on my elongated forehead (my neanderthal forehead - don't judge... they've been looking for the missing link for YEARS...) and heads toward the litter box. Perhaps she'll do what mommy-dearest rarely does... and CLEAN it! :-P But alas, my box is still soiled when she exits, but her breath smells like something minty died... three days ago, rather than just the decomposition of death... (nose plug anyone? Anyone? *gag* Purrr-leeeeze!)

Anywho... off she went to bed (MY bed btw... MY BED! And she wouldn't even share! I took an elbow to the ribs... toes to the ear and eventually got kneed off completely. She is, by far, the Most. Violent. Sleeper. Ever!)

The next morning, her royal highness didn't leave *my* bed until about 11:00 am... 11:00 AM!!! What the catnip people? Do you know how many HOURS of catnapping I missed out on? Is that a wrinkle???  It is a wrinkle!

O. M. G!!!!!

And Princess Buttercup just walks on by... Doesn't even notice me and my tired, droopy eyes... my slouching, exhausted tail... But at least my bed is free... And I make a mad dash for it and sink right in...

Ahhhhh... Now, how YOU doin'?

I'm not really sure what happened the rest of the day... I was obviously catching up on my much needed zzz's... 

*Yawn*

Nighty night y'all... 

Sleepily...

~R

Riley Verses The... Empty House

I'll skip the apologies for my tardiness on this blog... So without further ado... I present my latest adventure in "Riley's World"

Happy Holidays everyone!!! And Happy New Year! 2013 has come in with a bang! Literally...

I bet you feel a story coming on...

Once upon a time there lived a devastatingly handsome, debonair, charming, outgoing Siamese kitty.... Oh right, you know that part- you've all "met" me... >' '<

It all started on one brisk, chilly December day... Mom was packing up a suitcase so I *KNEW* she was deserting me AGAIN... And this time, she was leaving me for WARMER weather and NOT taking me with her! She's packing shorts and tee shirts... talking about Sea World... Orlando... sunny beaches... while I mournfully peek out from my blanket at the snow covered trees... ^.- I glance at the indoor thermostat... it's a balmy 57 degrees Fahrenheit... so I hide my head under the blanket again...

Well the fateful day arrived and mom was out the door, with a kiss on the head, mumbling something incoherently (of course) about a coworker checking in on me... Abandoned... Sing along with me now... make Celine proud...

"All by me-owself! Don't wanna be Alllllll byyyyy me-owself Anyme-owwwwww......"

So.... looked like Mom was going to be gone for a while... I could throw a neighborhood party... swing from the ceiling fan... find a sunbeam to keep company... write in my blog (ha ha ha ha!!! I kill me... LOL)... eat some crunchy goodness... take a nap... and as I moseyed around the house and into the kitchen, I noticed the "island" my mom set up ("Martha Stewart" over here and her ingenious cheap ideas stuck a couple of rolling carts - as in WHEELS- up on bed risers to use as extra counter space and then added a bookcase as a back-splash to hold all of her teas, spices, tea pots, misc kitchen gadgets and all the other stuff she's hoarded, er collected, over the years...) and it got me to thinking... I thought to myself, "Self, that looks like a track... like a Nascat track... I could practice my high speed left hand turns!"

Drivers....
Start.
Your.
Engines!

Puurrrr Purrrrrr Puuuurrrrr....

And left....
and left....
and left...
and left...
and left...
and left...
and le... woah... I'm getting dizzy... Is that a mouse? a MOUSE???? I have to get out of here! Um, I mean, catch it! It's getting closer! I'm going up that bookcase!

2nd shelf...
3rd shelf...
5th shelf...

*CRASH*
*THUD*
*GLASS SHATTERING*
*BOOM*

An earthquake!

Paws, check.
Tail, check.
Any cuts, scrapes, bruises, broken bones??? No! Check!

Uh oh... Um...Mommy is going to be a little upset by this cat-astrophic event... Maybe she won't notice... Lets see... I'll just push that over there... *la deeee daaaa* swish my tail over the dust... yeah, barely noticeable... I'll just tiptoe around that half of the tea pot... she never drinks a full pot anyway....

***a day later***

*key in the lock; door opens; some guy walks in with a, "What the HECK???" look on his face*

I saunter down the stairs to see who dared to wake me from my slumber in the middle of the night... (people, it was like 1 am! What the heck?)

"Um, hello, can I help you? Are you lost? How did you get in here?"
"What happened Riley?"
"You know my name???" Wait a second... he has a little beard... and a mustache... I've seen him before... O-M-G!!! Devil's in the house! I died in the earthquake wreckage and he's here to take my soul!!!

*backing up the stairs slowly... but watching Satan walk toward the kitchen*

I can still hear him...

"What the heck happened in here? Why is the light on? Hellllloooooo?"

"Murrrrrrrooooooooowwwwwwww" (I can only assume the evil one is talking to me since I'm the only one here...)

"Be quiet cat!"

"Hrrmph!" Who does he think he is? "Oooooh, I'm Satan and I just told a 13 pound cat to be quiet... I'm so evil... " Whatever devil... It's no wonder he's here when mommy's not... she'd scare him away! Especially since it's 1 am and her hair would resemble Medusa's snakes about now... Now I'm not saying that she's terrifying to look at, but let's just say I'm thankful that it's dark in the middle of the night... but shhhhh, don't tell her that! ;-)

Anyway, where was I... Oh right, Lucifer was climbing through the wreckage the small, barely noticeable mess... and pulls out what I believe to be a Geiger counter... Holy cow, did he just say an 8.45 on the Richter scale? No wonder he's here! I must have lost all 9 lives (okay, okay... I probably only had 7, er, 4 left... FINE, whatever...) in that earthquake! The Angel of Darkness stares at the gadget- it makes no sound... And after a few minutes of silence...

"Oh well." I hear him mumble... "The cat appears to be okay and she'll be home soon... Try not to destroy anything else cat."

WHAT? Me??? You think *I* made this mess? No such luck my horned friend... I cleaned up the mess that I made... Apparently when you opened the door and tiptoed in, like a thief in the night, you knocked that entire book shelf over... tsk tsk tsk... My mommmmmy is gonna be maaaaaaad! And don't think I'm covering for you! :-P

***Two days later***

"Riley, I'm home!!! I hear you've been a mischievous, evil kitty while I've been gone... Holy cow, the kitchen...

WHAT. 
HAVE. 
YOU. 
DONE???"

"It wasn't me!"

"Riley, I know this mess was made by you, but how on EARTH did you knock that entire shelf over??? I could see you knocking some things off of it... but the WHOLE shelf???"

"It wasn't me!"

"Alright, alright... let me guess... did a little mousey-wousy scare you again??? Make you run and hide???"

*GASP*

"What? Well I never! Moi? Run and hide??? Have you been hitting the catnip when I wasn't looking? I AM the Mouse Hunter: Extreme Edition... What are you talking about crazy lady??? Don't you remember that time when I brought the mouse to you??? Hello, madd kitty skillz right there... How many cats do you think have the willpower and strength to not just snap that little neck? None, other than me, I tell ya! NONE!"

^.-

"I'm too tired to deal with this right now... the broken glass is picked up and I'll have to deal with the rest of it in the morning... I just can't believe the destruction! What were you thinking, Riley???"

"meow" :-P

Well, my faithful readers... I apologize this blog has taken so long! Mom cleaned up the mess and replaced it with a smaller shelf that she is hoping that I, I mean, the Devil, doesn't destroy again... She did manage to take another trip this May to see the Diminutive One and my pal, Cari... I hear there is even a shorter one amongst them now... I do hope they don't think they're visiting me... One wee lad was enough for me... but two??? And even smaller??? Nope... not happening! Not in this house, no way! I'm putting my paw down cat-gone it!

Ooh, sorry guys, I've got to go... Mom just pulled in the driveway... and I may, or may not, have a mess to clean up before she gets in here...

In a hurry!!!!
~R

Riley Verses the... Most Brilliant. Idea. Ever.

Since I do not get nearly the face time that my handsome self should get...

I have decided that I need a reality show... Oh yes, you read that correctly... a REALITY. SHOW! It shall be called,  

The Real Housecat of Vermont!

Note that "Housecat" is not plural... This would be show about ME, myself and I...

I mean, look at me... I can bling! We all know I can throw down with a mean cat-fight =). I have no job (other than admiring myself in a mirror...) I eat meals prepared by my own personal chef... I guess I would have to work on the meaningless, tacky, outrageously, over-the-top parties though... I'm not much for sharing (anything)... And my toleration threshold for admiring anyone other than myself for over 3.5 seconds... well, lets be real people, is NON-EXISTENT....


Imagine (if you will...) the typical episode...


<que dream sequence music>

The Opening Credit (no need for plural people... I only need to thank myself!)... Pretty, blinging and HUGE!

RILEY

The Real Housecat of Vermont!

The scene: <lavish living room with chandelier... little mouseys hanging off each arm of the chandelier holding a small candle> I'm standing on my two back legs... paws on hips... duck lips (people this is Hollywood! Get with it! Duck lips are BIG!)...  My name fades in, sparkling like diamonds, the scene fades to me sleeping on a plush bed, sun beams creating a halo around my angelic head...

Now, for a typical episode, the "crew" (those people with the cameras and mikes to catch my every movement and sound) would follow me around the house... Still shots, of course, being taken every opportunity the sun touches my luxurious fur... (back off PETA... the fur, it's mine... you lay one little vegan finger on me and I'll sue you til I own your last piece of tofu... ) What I envision for every episode is basically a half an hour of watching yours truly go about my daily routine... of eating, sleeping, grooming... blinging... And then the last 15 minutes (there are at least 15 minutes worth of commercials for my hour show... act quickly! Slots are filling up fast... And Garfield, no room for you, my lasagna snarfing friend... My show = class... and you, ARE NOT!) can be outtakes of my outrageously gaudy and excessive party... Turkey pate anyone? Pass the insults...

Can't you picture it?

Lights! Cameras! ACTION!

*Murrrrrrrooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww*

Please send your requests for autographs with a self-enclosed stamped envelope and a small handling fee of $100 (USA) to me here in VT.

The STAR of the show!
~R

Riley Verses The... Spring Cleaning

Two months ago... I started this blog... but due to unforeseen circumstances (emergency sun beam naps, mysterious noises in the wall and mom's ability to hide the laptop... ^.- ) it's taken me a while to finish...

Ahem... so, without further ado... I bring you, "Spring Cleaning."

The part of the Cat is being played by yours truly (*blush* *blush* Oh do hold your applause...) and the part of "Mom" is being played by the Wicked Witch of the West (no, the Wicked Witch of the East was unavailable; she had a previous engagement... with a house).

Spring... Wonderful, Glorious, Fabulous, Sunny Spring is right around the corner my arctic friends... The sun and I are hanging out longer... and that annoyingly bright snow is finally weeping its goodbyes... Life. Is. Good...

Then enter mom...

And the vacuum...

And rhetorical statements of, "I wonder how that will look there..." "Hmm... this should be tossed..." "And my! It's in the 70's this week, I can open windows and turn off the heat!"

Um, turn off the heat? It's MARCH woman! It's going to get cold again... We live in Brr-mont! Are you freaking insane?

And then good ol' Mother Nature backed me up that week! It was snowing! And do you know what that fruit loop did? She opened the back door to let the arctic wind whip through the kitchen! Why? Because she decided it was a perfectly lovely day to hang sheets out to dry. I've heard of freeze dried food (*BLECH*) but freeze dried sheets??? My, don't they sound snuggly and cozy?  ^.-

So, I did what any sane, rational, warm-blooded creature would do; ran for warmer ground (you do remember me telling you about my heated mattress pad, right??? Oh yes... toasty my friends... toasty)!

Alright, so it's mid-May now so, please accept my sincerest apologies for the tardiness of this blog... It's been a rough month... Without the heat turned on, my little claws were shivering so much I couldn't even type! Thankfully the sun has been cranked up (woo hoo folks, in the 80's this past weekend!) and mom is no longer in possession of the laptop (she has finally graduated peeps! And do you know what she's done to celebrate??? Oh, just guess... She signed up for chemistry classes in the fall! Isn't that the most fabulous way to celebrate being done with classes??? *head desk*).

Well, my patient readers of the cyber world... Spring cleaning is done downstairs... Though I did do a bit of complaining and protesting... it is nice to be able to roll around all over the place batting the doody out of my "torturous" treat ball.... However, without the piles, I'm finding fewer places to hide it... You win some, you lose some... C'est la vie!

I know I have not upheld my civic duty of blogging more often... but I think I've come up with an idea to solve that... 

Stay tuned for the next blog where I unveil my most brilliant idea ever... (but please don't hold your breath for it, unless you're David Blaine... I prefer to not lose my fans... Not many kitties have an international fan base ya' know... :-) )

~R

Riley Verses The... Resolutions

Ha Ha! Mommy dearest only thought I would make it til the 13th... And *plllllllllsssssssssssss* I made it to January 17th! Boooo- yahhhh! (Yes, granted it IS February 8th that I'm telling you this...) Yeah, boooooyyyy! *Happy Dance* <wiggle, wiggle, punch the air, punch the air>

Alright... perhaps I shouldn't be so excited that I made it only 17 days... but that is still FOUR. DAYS. LONGER. than Ms. "Know-it-all" said I would. I *knew* I could make it longer than just 13 days... and I did! (btw, did you notice the scratch on her nose today? I was having this fabulous dream last night about catnip and warm, soft carpets to roll around on... I rolled, she rolled, her nose got in the way. ^.- ).

As for the rest of the resolutions... well, lets just say they're a work in process...  a labor of love if you will... Mom loves me and I like to entertain her ideas...

When mom actually remembers to fill up my treat chamber of doom, I have managed to (relatively) silently empty it (psss, come in close, I have a secret to tell you... Mom doesn't realize that I can hook my claw under the turn-y thing and swivel it around so that the BIG hole is allowing treats to fall... I just have to remember to turn it back so mom doesn't get suspicious... It was a REALLY close call the other day... But fortunately for me, mom's sister text messaged her while she was picking up the treat ball and Ms. "I-can-multitask-and-only-pay-partial-attention-to-the-15-things-I'm-doing" ended up filling it without realizing she never even opened it! *snicker*).

As for the tripping/launching down the stairs... I have not gotten any sort of blinking lights for my tale, but I do try to get down the stairs while mom makes the bed. It seems to be working for now, claws crossed... but no promises if mom is lazy one morning and doesn't bother making the bed...

And, she is STILL rolling over while she sleeps... it does seem to be kept to a minimum and for the most part, I try to stay under the covers (I live in VERMONT people... even with this "global warming" thing, it is still FAR too cold for me! And have I mentioned that mom doesn't even heat the bedroom? Nope, she has this mattress pad on the bed that she plugs into the wall. It gets toasty warm under the covers, but you pop your head out and icicles start forming on your whiskers... Have you ever sneezed ice cubes??? I have!!! ^.-

And finally, last, but most certainly not least... I have been using my "listening skills" (thank you "mommy-of-the-short one" for a phrase that just never seems to lose funny-ness to my mom) and I will actually stop whining the 418th time mom asks me to stop... Sometimes, on special occasions (like I have food in my mouth or I'm too muffled to be heard under 27 blankets) I even stop BEFORE mom gets to 418! I think that should earn me extra treats or at least "honorary" days for meeting (and EXCEEDING!) my resolutions...

And that's all for now folks... the sun is creeping through the living room window and I better go keep it company before it runs away again...

Still striving...
~R

Riley Verses The... New Year

Wow... 2012... Can you believe it? New Years has a special place in my heart since that's when Mom picked me up from the Inhumane Society and took me home in an itty bitty box... Now I have a house! Woot Woot!

So... without further ado... <drumroll please> my...

New Year's Resolutions!

1. Will bat my torture treat chamber on my own without whining (okay, so this isn't really realistic, but isn't that the point to New Year's Resolutions???)
2. Will not stick my paw up mom's nose while she's sleeping (What? I need to stretch out... Not my fault her big ol' honker is in my way!).
3. Will not trip mom going down the stairs (maybe ebay has some blinky lights I can attach to my tail so mom can SEE me in the dark... geesh)
4. Will not protest (LOUDLY) when she rolls over while she's sleeping and then get my lovely claws stuck in her hair (I wonder if she ever heard of a hairnet? Or maybe she could twisty turvy it into a bun.... Or MAYBE she could just stop freaking rolling over!)
5. And finally... I will obediently listen when mom tells me to "Shut Up" for the 418th time. (Cause I know she really doesn't mean it if she only says it 417 times... She just likes to hear herself *tawk* LOL, did I mention mom's a "New Yawkah?" Bwaaahaahaahaaa)

And that, my loyal fans, is my New Year's Resolutions of 2012... What are yours? And who wants to place bets on how long I last... Mom gives me 'til January 13th...

Riley Verses The... Torture Treat Chamber

The Torture Treat Chamber... Mom is really putting the screws to me now... She thinks I need a diet... that I should *work* for my treats... Maybe I should padlock the fridge and see if she enjoys *working* for her food...    -.^

This is an evil exciting sphere of treat-giving irritation goodness. The idea is to bat it through a window around the room, and allow the treat to naturally fall from an unnaturally small hole the window in the top of the torturous toy. Doesn't that sound like malicious torment fun???

You would not believe the mad skillz I posses to HIDE this sucker (you know, once it is emptied... Darn you tasty-treat-goodness!!!) Because... once it is hidden, and mom cannot find it, she is forced to just hand me my treats! (Thank you Greenies Company for coming out with such fine tasting specimen of extra calories!)

The other day, mom came home with this thing and tricked me... I hear her chirp, "Riley want a treat???" Well, cat-gone it, does the sun rise every morning? Of COURSE I want a treat! So I prance out to the dining room, singing, "Yes I do... oh yes I do... Yes I do!!!" And that is when she hands it to me... the aforementioned chamber of doom... At first, mom would smack it around (yes, yes, I have her well trained... :-D ) and I would follow the treat paved line. Then, she stopped. SHE. STOPPED! Um, hello? If you don't hit the ball-y thing, I do not get treats... <glare> After what seemed an eternity, I finally decided to *pat* *pat* the thing myself... and nothing... <glare> *PAT* *PAT* nothing... *PAAAT* *SMACK* Woo-hoo, pay dirt! One whole treat. What? One? For all that work I get ONE. LOUSY. TREAT???

Okay... if that's how it's going to be... *Ka-pow*  *nom nom nom* *Ka-boom!* *nom nom nom* *Hiiiiiiiiii - yaaaaaa* *nom nom nom*

Aww, look at that... you're now empty... as empty as your dark soul, you devious device of misery... And if you disappear- you will not be a thorn in my side any longer... so... lets see... *grunt* *groan* there you go, under the loveseat with the cobwebs... back to the depths of Dante's inferno.... back you go to your third circle... (Side-note: our esteemed blogger, Riley, unknowingly chose the "gluttony" circle; coincidence???) Goodbye and good ridden! Now to clean these cobwebs off of me...

It was about three days later and I hear Jigsaw (aka mom) demonically hiss, "I want to play a game..." And cat-gone it! It was back! How did mom find it??? She NEVER looks under the loveseat... *hrmph* I didn't want to... but it was filled with TREATS! I couldn't turn my back on it when it was full of crunchy morsels... it needed my help... to empty its bulging belly of delicacies. I could sacrifice a few more moments of my time to smack it to kingdom come, er, inferno come.

This time I hid it MUCH better. So much better in fact, that I am not even telling my loyal readers where I hid it- in case you feel the need to tell my mom... Because so far, she has not been able to locate its whereabouts... She's sent out an APB... Looked under the loveseat, the bench, the tv stand... but alas...

"Oh where oh where did the little toy go? Oh where oh where can it be? With its belly void and empty of treats... oh where oh where is it???"

Hiding and not seeking...
~R

Riley Verses The... Short One... Again

Mom's been hogging the laptop for homework... As if that is more important than my blogging... Where are her priorities!?!?! I mean, seriously! I'm sure if I polled my lovely fans you would all agree with me. Right? RIGHT???

Well, it happened AGAIN.... Mom invited her sister and the diminutive one to MY house again without MY permission... Does she think she owns the place or something???

Fortunately, it was a short visit and mom had them out of the house most of the time... It all happened a couple of months ago...

I'm curled up in my blanket on the couch. Mom is scurrying around washing sheets, cleaning the kitchen and dining room and making up the beds upstairs. I'm mostly sleeping, but keeping an eye on things. Mom never ever cleans without a reason... and it usually means someone is coming over and mom doesn't want to be reported to Hoarders (she's camera shy ya know...)

*A knock at the door*
Mom opens the door to her dad, says, "Hi" and brings him down to the basement to check something. They're back up in a few minutes and mom grabs her bag, tells me to be good and is out the door...

Curious... All that cleaning for a ten minute visit and he never even went upstairs? That's odd... Mom never does any cleaning without a reason...

And the reason showed up about 8 hours later... a short, annoying, little reason... (the only picture of shorty smiling).

Oh yes... they were back. Can you imagine??? I wasn't notified... I wasn't even WARNED! I would have left a "mint" on his pillow (muahhhh ahhhh ahhhh!!!).

Anyway, it was late and we all went to bed... The next morning they all got up and out early... which made me very happy.

They returned around dinner time, but mom was able to keep them outside... hmm... does that make them #OccupySideWalk??? Lets ponder this... while here, they were fed free of charge... a roof over their head free of charge... entertainment options (fortunately, AWAY from home) free of charge... O. M. G! They're part of the 99%... Mom! Mom! Are you reading this??? Are you??? That's it, I'm putting my paw down. THEY. WILL. NOT. BE. ALLOWED. IN. MY. HOUSE. AGAIN!!!! Hrmph! If I have to work my cute little behind off earning my keep (you have no idea the work I have to put into keeping mom happy... constantly purring and keeping her lap warm... following her around, ensuring her safety... constantly letting her know that I was there for her... It's not easy I tell ya... it's not easy...) then so do they!

So, after they left I put on the water (we paid for), brought out the Assam tea (we paid for- if you too would like to have some, Mom got it from www.herbco.com- they even have CATNIP!) and mom and I had a little tea party... ;-)

Still Tea Partying...
~R

Riley Verses The... Work Week

Hello all my adoring fans... I have decided to give you a behind the scenes "day in the life of Riley." I've heard rumors that some people (not you of course...) think I do NOTHING all day long. I've even heard that *some* people think I SLEEP 23 hours a day! And then some people think I must be bored out of my cute little head and need a dog to keep me company... (I know who you are MOM and I *know* where you sleep... muahhhh ahhh ahhhh <rubbing paws together>)

Anyway... a day in my life during the work week...

5:00 am: The alarm goes off, I protest, and snooze is hit with minimal disturbance to me.

5:01 am: Coffee beans begin to be ground; seriously, she's too lazy to hit the "on" button? She has to set the thing to wake me up? Really?

5:09 am: The blasted thing goes off again... Snooze is once again activated... The wafting aroma of coffee fills my nostrils...

5:18 am: And she's up. I protest LOUDLY and she shush's me. >^-< (that's my, "are you serious???" glare).

5:19 am: I trip her getting off the bed- doesn't she watch where she's going???

5:20 am: Sitting on the rug, impatiently waiting for her to turn off the fan, close the window and unplug the fan.

Still 5:20 am: Stop halfway down the stairs because I think I forgot to tuck in my mousey-toy... and nearly get launched through the front door. Geesh, she didn't see me *stop*!?!?!?!?

5:21 am: Coffee is poured; half and half splashed in and around the cup; spoon full of sugar loudly clanging as she stirs.... *sluuuuuu-uuuurp* I of course, am still sitting next to my day old water and empty food dish... No no... enjoy your cup of coffee as I starve and play the odds that I won't get malaria and/or dengue from this stagnant water... <paw to forehead... swaying a little>

5:25 am: FINALLY getting some attention... Exactly 1/2 cup of crunchy goodness (not a kibble more!) and one fresh dish of good old city water (don't knock it! Mom tried giving me that bottled stuff... *blech* No thank you, tap water for me; on the rocks! Just like my mom!)! 

5:32 am: I drag my sock ( you remember me telling you about them, right? I kept stealing mom's socks, so she finally gave me a pair of my own.) over to my dish and cover it over... I suspect another cat is in the house and I am hiding it from him/her... I only see him/her when mom picks me up in the bathroom... That's the only time I see mom's twin too... I look for her when mom goes to work...even looking in the bathroom "window," but I only see that other dashing cat! I tell him that it's my house, but would you believe he mimics me! MIMICS ME!!! Meows in my face and even paws at my devastatingly handsome good looks! Fortunately, he misses and then disappears as I jump off the sink.

5:45 am: I curl up on mom's lap as she slurps down another cup of java and catches up on her tweetering twits er, tweeter twittings, um the NEWS!

6:30 am: I get dumped on the floor as she gets up to get ready for work. I head to my bed (MY bed. In MY bedroom. On MY blanket. Not to be confused with mom's bedroom) and fall asleep on my soft, pretty, pink (yet a masculine pink!) blanket.

7:40 am: She is off and running and tells me to be good. >^.-< 

8:00 am: Mosey back down the stairs to munch on some crunchy goodness.

8:13 am: I hop up on the dining room chair, turn on the laptop and catch up on the news... In case you're wondering, I check out these sites:
i can has cheezburger
lol cats
Cat info

And in case anyone wants to buy yours truly a gift... I've had my eye on this:
Lol Cat Bible

9:27 am: Where does the time go? <streeeeeeetch> Okay, I need to work on my blog. I know my peeps are waiting for my next installment with bated breath!

9:30 am: <tap tap tap> Hmm... what interesting tidbit of my life to write about next... <bzzzzzzzz> It's a FLY! Must keep the house fly free. Que mission impossible music. <dun dun dun dun dun dun nar nar nar> Now, obviously this isn't a picture of me... but since my photographer (mom) is at work... here's what I would look like...

Okay... now I might have missed on my first Hiiiiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaa! So, I tried again...

I have succeeded. The fly is now a snack. nom nom nom.

11:42 am: After a quick cat nap (I slay me!), I patrol the perimeter.
Living room: all clear
Dining room: all clear
Kitchen: all clear
Bathroom: woah, litterbox needs to be cleaned, but miraculously all clear
Spare Bedroom: all clear
Foyer: all clear
Mom's bedroom: all clear
My bedroom: *INTRUDER ALERT* *INTRUDER ALERT*

Oh no he didn't! I've seen this guy before...

So... I snuck up on him... <tippy toes... tippy toes...> with my mad ninja skillz... Looks like I gave him a squirrelly heart attack... tee hee hee....

Mission accomplished- Squirrel is no longer a threat!
My bedroom: all clear!

12:37 pm: I head back down the stairs and stake out the living room... I curl up on the fluffy, purple blanket (people, I don't shop for myself... that dingbat seems to like girly colors... ) and decide to rest my eyes for a moment...

2:30 pm: *CLANG* *BANG* I awake with a start! er, I mean, I am of course locked on and ready to go... I spring to the window to find none other than the same stranger putting something in the metal box attached to the house... OMG IT'S A BOMB! HIDE YOUR KIDS!!! HIDE YOUR WIFE!!! Wait <scratching head>, where have I heard that before???

Oh man... that makes me LOLz every time!!

4:50 pm: Wow, really? It's nearly 5:00 pm? Did I really just surf youtube videos for nearly 2 and a half hours? My sides hurt from LMAO, so maybe I have! Quick shut the computer down... Get off the dining room table... Pretend to have just gotten up and greet mom at the door....

5:00 pm: MEOW! Hi Mom... and how was your day... that's nice...Oh no... everything quiet on the home front... "Riley, GET out from under my feet!" Ah the gratitude... Can you feel the love???

5:05 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:06 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:07 pm: "Alright alright... I'm getting your dinner oh starving one... Like you did anything today to work up an appetite... Does sleeping really burn that many calories???  If so, I'm going to start sleeping more! Here you go... Dinner is served... Yes, Riley, it's turkey... <eye roll>"

5:14 pm: I'm chillax' while mom cooks her dinner and does her thing...

And that folks... is a day in the life of Ninja Riley...

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAAAAA
~R

Riley Verses The... Strange Sight

'Twas the Day Before Sunday...

'Twas the day before Sunday....
The alarm did ring.
The coffee began brewing...
The birds outside sing.

Mom swings her legs off,
Of the bed and stands up.
As per the morning custom,
I trip her up

She regains her balance
And slowly descends
Careful to not kick
Me (as she really intends).

Pours herself a cup
Of coffee, sugar and cream
I circle around
My dish is empty it seems

As she dumped food in my bowl
I happened to see
Four hooves and a tail
Galloping up Bassett Street

A deer? On the road????
Now that doesn't seem right...
I will rub my eyes...
And look again in better light...

Holy smokes it's a deer!
Quick get my arrows and bow
Venison for dinner!
Oh wait... it's a doe...

And I hear her exclaim
As she trots out of sight
Nanny nanny poo poo *sppppttth*
You can't have a bite!

Riley Verses The... Thunder

*Flashes of light* BOOOOOOM

That was basically how my evening went in late May this year (2011)... Others might know it as the Flood of 2011 in Montplelier, Barre, Plainfield, Cabot, etc... But, me... I know it as, the night that everything was full of water but my water glass... <hhhrrrmmmmph!>

Mom came home from work on a Thursday... and then the rain began... And it POURED! (mom said it rained "cats and dogs" but I did not see a single domesticated animal out in that weather, so I think mom was hallucinating...) No biggie.. it's rained here before... I didn't feel the need to start building an ark or anything... nor did I move my toys to higher ground... just a typical thunderstorm... until about 9 pm... Mom had gone upstairs to read and I jumped on her stomach to remind her that she did not fill MY glass with water for bed... so I glared at her until she got up...

I followed her down the stairs where she promptly filled my glass.... and then suddenly neglected it as she took off into the basement! As I listened, I thought I heard water running... I looked at the sink, but she turned the faucet off... My glass was full, but out of reach... *sigh* So, I did as I always do.... I waited... I heard some swearing from the basement vicinity... perhaps mom left water running down there? I heard footsteps on the stairs and was about to let her know I didn't appreciate my glass of water just outside my reach when she stormed by me (pun intended! :-)). She grabbed some shoes and disappeared into the basement abyss...

She later filled in the details for me... From what I gather... it rained... a LOT!!! And water/rain was pouring in between the cement of the foundation and the boards of the house... She had buckets and was tossing the water outside (not to worry, no comedy routine here... water was only coming in at the front of the house... the back of the house is perched on a small cliff). The torrential downpour finally began to subside and I hear on the stairs... *squish* *squeak* *squish* *squeak* Either a waterlogged giant mouse was coming up the stairs (go go gadget giant mouse trap!) or mom was a bit soggy.... it was the latter... a "drowned rat" comes to mind... I guess I was at least in the right family... rodent... :-D

At about 3 am mom finally made it back to bed.  Which was about time! I only get in about 12 hours of sleep during the daylight hours... Without my beauty sleep... well, mom gets pretty ugly...

The rest of the weekend was pretty similar... except mom's dad came to visit. They went to NY to see cars race down a straight 1/4 mile track (ooh, how exciting... if only I could fry in the sun and suck in exhaust for hours on end <eye roll>) and were back that evening. Mom was pretty pooped and passed out around 10 pm... I curled up on her side to keep her warm... it *was* only about 80 degrees in her bedroom... and fell asleep. Next thing I knew I woke up to a gun shot... I've been shot!!! I've been shot!!! I've been... uh, um... wait, I don't see any blood on me... O......... M............ G........ Mom's been shot... her arm... it's bleeding!!! Someone call 911! Darn that cell phone and it's touch screen... I can't tap one number at a time... Mom... MOM... TALK to me... STAY WITH ME!!! Help will arrive soon... Mom glares at me, as if I was holding the smoking gun and then she speaks... slowly, but very menacingly... "Riley.. if you do not.... get. off. this. bed. right. this. minute... I am going to launch you into NEXT WEEK!!!"

Confused, I look down at her arm and realize that unless she was shot with a fork, those scratch marks might (slim chance I'm sure...) have been caused by innocent little ol' me... But mom... I can explain... it was the thunder... and you know how I am with loud noises... and it was the THUNDER'S fault... Let's blame Zeus... Here Zeus... Here boy... O00000hhhhhh Ze-----us... I'm sure he's hiding from your wrath... <beaming white toothy cheesey smile>.

"Riley, my soon to be heaven bound cat... I do not have a dog named Zeus... and I highly doubt you will conjure up the mythological Zeus by calling him like Rover... How about this... you go sleep on *your* bed... "your" being the key word... I'll go wrap up the dangling flesh on my arm and we'll call it a night..."

Um, yeah, that's a good idea mom... Did you need any help wi... <glare> Yeah, ok... I'll just head to bed...

Still breathing...
~R

Riley Verses The... Firemen

Now I *know* what you're thinking... “That dumb cat got stuck in a tree... ha ha ha!” Um... and you would be wrong... <eye roll> May I remind you I'm an indoor cat and mom definitely has no trees in here! So... what would I be doing with firemen, you ask??? Well you sit right back and you'll read a tale...

Once upon a time, in a very near land... there lived a fairy princess (I guess I can't really say “fairy” in PC land) self-sufficient old maid (*sigh*) young lady with her one-of-a-kind, handsome, intelligent, talented, talking feline companion (yeah, yeah... I could have just said ,“she had a cat” but that doesn't do me much justice, now does it... hush and let me finish my story...). They lived in a beautiful castle 2 story house in desperate need of cosmetic updates... Our overly ambitious and driven lady of the house decided no job was too small (or too LARGE) for her to tackle on her own... She's torn down paneling to find charming lavender walls adorned with “artwork” (think five year old with a paint brush and Pac-man ghosts and you have the general idea)... She's replaced sub-flooring when she found out that she just about had half a bath in the basement (for those not in the know.. our heroine's “throne” was essentially rotting through the floor and within the first month, m'lady had the bathroom ripped apart to replace the 3' by 4' death trap). You get the idea... she's one of those do-it-yourselfer's... that is... until she met her match...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the match of the century... we have a new challenger today, new to this arena... it's... the lady of the house.... and in the other corner, the “raining” (yeah, it's reigning, but you'll get the joke in a minute... wait for it...) champ of the last few decades... it's.... The Old Plumbing (O.P.)!!! ( the crowd goes wild...) And the bell rings... Round 1... The lady circles... she's looking weary already... She sees the ice in O.P.'s veins and a fraction before he throws the punch the cameraman shows the action in slow motion... Lady exclaims, “Ohhhh nooooooo" *pow* It was an upper cut to the jaw and a slap in the face... The breath leaves her as she tried to retreat... But O.P. continued to pour his rain of death on her... It was a KO in the first few seconds...

Okay, a bit too abstract for you? This is what happened... Mom went downstairs for some unknown reason... (I believe it was about February of 2011) and noticed a column of ice INSIDE the house... she hadn't noticed this before so went over to investigate... she followed her hand up the column and accidentally touched an unknown pipe which promptly burst in her face, spraying her with ice cold water knocking the breath right out of her... She ran upstairs looking for her cell which of course was playing hide and seek with her... so she ran across the street (looking like a drowned rat, may I add he he he) and asked her neighbors to call the water dept. She ran back and finally managed to find her phone and call the police... An eternity later (ok, more like 5 minutes) THREE fire trucks showed up... THREE! What in the world did she tell them to send THREE large firetrucks and a little fire box truck thing... As the half a dozen firemen slowly sauntered through the house and were lead to the basement, I was herded into the bedroom and locked in there.. as if I would try to escape outside... hello, it's even colder out there... who would give up these balmy temps of 56 degrees (Fahrenheit people... Fahrenheit!) in here???

Anyway, where was I... right... the firemen... this part of the story is second hand so who knows how much mom has embellished... but I'll tell you as she told me... “So Riley... how many firemen does it take to turn off the water to this house?” Oh goody... a joke... “Four...” “ Um.. mom... that's not really a funny joke... you forgot the punch line... “Yes, Riley... I know...there is no punch line when it's pathetically true!!!!” So, while I hid under the bed... two floors below me... one fireman was turning off the water to the washing machine (I guess just in case mom decided to do a load of laundry while water poured into her basement)... another one watched the water dump to the floor, mumbling, “yup, this here is a burst pipe...” (ah, the brilliance), the third one was staring intently at where the water lines entered into the house spouting scary statements like, “I think your shut off is at the street ma'am... under 4 feet of snow” (WHAT???) and the fourth one... my hero may I add... grabbed a wrench and turned the water off... the lever was missing... and the blessed water stopped spewing... But of course... that means none of the house had water... But all was not lost... Mom made a few phone calls... and a plumber was actually able to fix the problem that evening.. Thank you Mr. Plumber Man...

Now for those of you who might be entertaining the idea that mom is an idiot... let me tell you about the location of this pipe that burst... a long long time ago, the people that had this house before, decided to “finish” half of the basement and put up paneling (what is it with them and gosh darn it paneling???)... then a water main broke and flooded the basement, destroying the “finished” part... but the paneling was not ripped down all the way... then mom buys the house... so this pipe, came down off from the bathroom plumbing above and followed the back wall BEHIND THE PANELING, sandwiching it between the concrete blocks and the paneling inside... Now, where did this pipe go to, you ask? No where... Ridiculously enough, this pipe followed the wall for about 10 feet and stopped... it was connected to nothing... just hanging out... collecting stagnant water... and freezing.... who puts a pipe to nowhere??? Well, mom had the plumber remedy that pretty quick... it's now cut off at the knees... lol... well, closer to the bathroom plumbing that is... and mom has some heat vent pointed at it to deter it from freezing again...

Sorry for taking so long to post this my loyal admirers... You see, we flooded AGAIN since my last post.... and trees have come down in the back yard (intentionally, don't fret my pets!)... and well, somebody has to keep all those sunbeams entertained! 

Just call me...

The hostess with the mostest...

~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors... Again???

Okay, so I might have been a teensy tiny bit over-confident in my mad skillz of getting rid of a dwarf and the circus he brought with him.... because they're back. *sigh*

Well, there I was lying in MY sunbeam when I hear a car roll in the driveway. I assume it's mom coming home from work... Well you know where assuming gets you! And it did! I stroll over to the door expecting a "Hi Ri-Ri" (my mom's nickname for me... or Re-re when I do something not so intelligent) and instead, are you sitting down??? the door opens and in comes the chimp... again! I meow loudly in protest, You were supposed to be gone!!! But they pretend to not understand and run around like I'm not even there. I sulk to the couch, lie there and wait.

The wee one was playing with my toys again, but I was not to be made a fool twice so I just sat and glared... I was hoping if I stared hard enough his head would explode, but alas, my skills are not that developed...

The tall one and the other one came in... the "other" one came over and sat next to me. I think her name is Cari... So Cari sat next to me and I cringed... but she reached out and gently petted me... Oh, I guess it wasn't *sooooo* bad... so I allowed her to continue. At least mini-satan kept his distance...

Then mom finally decided to grace us with her presence.. I followed her around explaining the situation and how I needed the house back to the way it was... people-less... but she just shoo'd me from being underfoot as she ran around grilling steak and bringing out large tubs of salads...

Cari was very nice... she stayed in "my" room while they were here and she had this really cool doll thing that she colored her hair (and the table, the walls, the floor, the stairs... ME! but I digress) I allowed her to sit with me and pet me... I am afterall attention STARVED and will take any tolerable pets I can... Mom of course just ignores me... if that inhumane society wasn't a teensy bit worse than my sub-standard living conditions now, I would call them to complain... however.. I do have more room here to roam... so, I guess I'm stuck here in lack-of-attention-land...


"THEY" were with us for about a week... when mom didn't have to work she thankfully got them out from under my paws and out of my fur. Cari was nice and I wish she stayed, but I was glad to see shorty finally go...for GOOD this time... However, my cyber friends, I must share this little tidbit... which I found to be most humorous... Mom got this new nail polish that changes color- I must confess, it is pretty cool.... Well, the diminutive one decided that he was left out as the "girls" all painted their nails... and wait for it... they painted HIS NAILS TOO! I nearly died... Little boy cretin with pretty purple toes and rainbow fingernails... It. was. too. much!!! I laughed so hard I snorted! I guess if he can doll himself up, he's not so bad... now that he's leaving that is... and he did provide me with much laughter when he was at a distance... But the little monkey and his handlers finally left... Hallelujah! Praise Tac... And good riddance...

Since satan has left me, does that make me born again???

Pondering,
~R

Riley Verses The... Evolution of Darwin

So... I was googling and binging the other day (while mom was at work- she hogs the laptop when she's home) and I came across this fascinating article on what can only be my relatives...

Riley's ancestors - seen here!!!

I mean, I think it's no coincidence that I love wheat products... goldfish crackers, pita chips, wheat thins... It's in my ancient blood to eat plants!

See mom! This is why I do not eat fish! My ancestors were herbivores. :-)

Plant-munching,
~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors

Okay... well lets just say that it was OBVIOUS that *something* was up. I should warn you, if you're not sitting down, you might want to. Mom was (drum roll please....) CLEANING! I know! Now aren't you glad you were sitting down! It wasn't just her usual pick-this-up-and-pile-it-there "cleaning"... She actually got the vacuum monster out... and actually CLEANED! I was very confused... I had never seen her do this before and I had been with her for about a year and a half now (it's roughly the summer of 2010).

Anyway... the "reason" for all this cleaning finally arrives... in a MINIVAN! What the? I watch through the window as my mom stands outside waving as the MINIVAN pulls in... And out steps this taller human. Okay... one person, I can deal with that... Then the back door opens and out pops another human, about the same height as mom... Okay... two people... I can deal with...

WHAT? WAIT... No, no one authorized this... I'm pretty sure in my adoption papers this was STRICTLY forbidden actually... I'll have to run upstairs and dig those out.. this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's a midget! A short person! Someone who does NOT have to bend at the waist to pull my tail... He is so not coming into this house. *stomp*

So, as they marched in, single file, I waited for shorty... and as soon as he walked in, *BAM*, a 1-2 PUSH! Right back out the door. <and the crowd goes wild!> "Riley, what are you doing? Let Noah in"

The cretin has a name??? And she's allowing him in? This is a "kids free" zone... as in, NO KIDS! According to Riley's Adoption paperwork, Section B, Part 5, "Thou shall not allow children (or anyone under 5 feet tall) to enter said premises (aka HOME) for ANY reason. IF, this rule is broken by the adoptee, the adopted party <THAT'S ME!> will not and cannot be held responsible for his actions."

Okay, you're allowing him in <rubs paws together> "Bring it!"

Since I had to come up with a game plan (this was not in my play book since I never ever thought mom would actually let a little person in MY house), I ran upstairs to mastermind my strategy...

After a few hours of calculations, schematics, and pencil sharpening, I knew I had a winner. Let the games begin wee one... oh yes... let the games begin...

The Next Day
I slept pretty soundly, considering I *knew* there was evil lurking in the house... The next morning, mom got up and began to get ready for work. "Mom, you can't go to work, you have to take the day off. You CANNOT leave me here with them!"
"Riley, shush, they're sleeping still.. you'll wake them up"
"But MOM! You CANNOT leave me alone with them!"
"SHHHHHH"
"But..."
"Do you want me to feed you to the raccoons? Is that what you want? Riley, shut - UP!"

<glare>
"Fine, be that way... just remember, I can't be held responsible for my actions... if mini-Satan meets his demise, well, let's just say I warned you!"
"Ri- ley. Shush!"

I sulked off to lie in my sun beam upstairs.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew a football team had started playing defense in the living room... Confused, I ran downstairs to find the dwarf playing with MY TOYS! MY TOYS! Okay, so I don't play with them... but they're MINE and he can't play with them. I chase after the mousey he threw, grabbed it and tried to take off...

"ME-OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" That was my tail! I think it's broke, he must have separated it from my spine... the pain... the pain!!! I open one of my clenched eyes to see that no one saw my performance other than the diminutive one and he was NOT showing any empathy. Okay fine, he didn't pull my tail all that hard, he actually only brushed it... but this COULD have been a disaster. I'm just sayin'

So, the pint-sized person is standing there and staring down at me, he reaches down... to pull my tail? grab my ear? Oh no he won't! And in a flash, I'm on up my hind legs and 1-2 PUSH! And down the munchkin goes! "Float like a butterfly <hop> <hop> Sting like a bee!" Buzzzzzzzz my little friend... BUZZZZZZZ!

The Score:
Riley 1
Pee Wee O

And then the big human comes in and says, "Aww, how cute... you're playing with Riley... Okay, Noah, come on and get in the shower- we're going to head out for the day."
They're leaving! Do a little jig! Happy Dance! Goooooood-bye puny one!

 *stretch* *yawn*

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. And don't bother waking me- you can see yourself out!"

I mean, I knew I was good... but darn, I'm gooooood... they didn't even last 24 hours with me... Yeah boy, see-ya!

Smugly content,
~R

Riley Verses The... Big Disappointment

I know I've been going back in time for all you cyber readers to catch you up on my life... but Friday was my birthday... my real birthday... want to guess who practically forgot???

My MOM! That's who. She picks the date, April 1st (ha ha, who's the fool now???) and then all I get is my dinner (late may I add!) and some pita chips since she said she was too tired to go to the store. No balloons, no new micey toys, no new shoelaces... nothing... a big old nothing. 10 years old and nothing to show for it.

I gave her something though... My birthday and I gave her a "gift." Have you seen her hand? That lovely angry red gash across the back of her hand? Oh yes, that was me... a warning swipe. And if she forgets my birthday again... I'm inviting that Jigsaw guy over... I heard he would "play a game" with her... and teach her a lesson.

Plotting,
~R

Riley Verses The... 10th Year

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

For all of those out there in cyber kitty world that might not be aware of the significance of this day...

It's my BIRTHDAY!!! Oh, yeah, baby... MY birthday... I am 10 years old in human years today... Please forward all presents to Riley in c/o his mom. I like goldfish crackers, shoelaces, pita garlic chips, triscuits and wheat thins (just to give you an idea- I know I can be hard to shop for).

As for me, I know my mom has something HUGE planned for me... She pretended to leave for work today her regular time and even told me that she had to work late for some weekend work thing... as if she would desert me on my birthday... Oh no... she will bring me dessert! She'll be home soon, I'm sure... with presents and shoelaces... and cheddar cheese goldfish crackers... I'll just sit here and wait for her... *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

The birthday boy!
~R

Riley Verses The... Great Flood of 2010

After the mous-capades (there were a few other adventures in Disney World Vermont, but nothing post-worthy), the next big event in my life was the flood. Now, let me remind you... I am an INSIDE cat... So, yes, it flooded INSIDE!!!

Now, you also may recall I'm a *cat* and therefore suffer from aquaphobia...

Let me start at the beginning...

It was really noisy outside the night before the flood. Mom said it was very windy. To me it sounded like dogs howling- but what do I know? I crawled under the covers and made sure my head was under them to block out the howling... What a racket!

The next morning was dreary... no sunbeams to lounge in and then the raindrops... drizzling at first... then pounding the windows... I crawled under the blankets and covered my ears... Then the raindrops sounded closer... I thought I was dreaming... No mom to pinch, so I opened an eye... OMG I'm BLIND!!! I can't see.... I... CAN'T... S... Uh, he he... I'm under the blankets... my bad... so I pop my head out and sure enough, my vision has returned! It's a miracle! Hallelujah, praise Tac!

I jump down to investigate and *splash*! I've been hit! <clutching heart> OMG, I'VE BEEN HIT... I'm feeling faint... Must. Get. Away. From. Water. I'm MELTING... Oh, someone help me... *SPLASH* AHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, so maybe I ran away like a little "scared kitteh" but it's WATER! It burns... oh it burns...

But I gathered my courage up (once I found it that is- would you believe it was hiding under the couch? ) and creeped up the stairs. I slowly eased my head around the corner and sure enough, there were still big splashes of rain coming in... Oh dear... what if the whole house floods before mom gets here??? Must. get. to. higher. ground. I ran into the other bedroom, to the bed mom put up on 6 inch risers (she said she needed more room for her boxed junk, er, stuff). I just curled up onto the stack of blankets and fell asleep... I WAS pretty exhausted from saving myself from near drowning.

Well, sometime later, mom finally came back home from work. I met her at the door and started right in, "MOM, the house is flooding! Save me! Save my food! Save my bed! SAVE ME!"
"What do you WANT Riley?"
"The HOUSE IS FLOODING!!! Grab your goloshes- you're going to start sloshing!
"Stop MEOWiNG Riley- I don't understand what you want. If you were Lassie you could show me; however, you're a cat- so you'll just complain instead. I'll feed you as fast as I can.... Holy cow there is a puddle in the kitchen! This is a two story house. Oh this is bad... very very bad..."

Well, mom took the stairs two at a time with me tagging behind... No water in the foyer... but quite the lake had formed in the bedroom... Mom kept mumbling, "oh no oh no oh no...

I stood off to the side, smugly, since I *tried* to tell her of this latest catastraphe. She should really learn to listen to me... "Murrrrowwwwww"
She stepped on my TAIL!

"Sorry Riley" as she sprinted by.

I followed her to the other bedroom and she stacked some boxes in the closet and then disappeared! She abandoned me to deal with the flood as she got to higher ground? That chicken-liver! "YOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLL" "YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWLLLLLL"
"Riley, SHUT UP!"

And down she comes from the hole in the ceiling... just missing my tail, AGAIN! She grabbed a bucket; shoved it through the ceiling hole and she was gone again... <tap tap tap> I patiently waited... 1 mousey toy... 2 mousey toy... 3 mousey toy.......... 20 mousey toy... 21 mousey toy and here comes mom again... She ran back downstairs to the kitchen.. "Careful mom, there's no "wet floor" sign down there"
"SHUT- UP RILEY!!!"

Geesh, I was just trying to help... She ran back upstairs with a pot... ran back down empty handed... and then put a pot where it was raining in the kitchen... Then she finally took off her jacket and sat down.

"I know this is a bad time and all... but you haven't fed me yet... I understand, you had to get rid of the icky water.... but now you're not doing anything, so I would appreciate my bowl being filled. Please. I said please, you're NOT moving... HELLLLLOOOOOOOO"
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to feed you to the raccoons Riley"
"Okay, so now is not good either.... you just let me know" and I wandered into the living room... at least it was dry in there... About two centuries pass and I finally hear the familiar tapping noise of my bowl being filled....

By the time we got to bed that night, the dripping had stopped in the bedroom... but we could still here the... *drip* *drip* *drip* from the kitchen... Mom mumbled that she hoped it would stop soon and I drifted off to sleep to the rhythmic beat of the waterfall below...

Surprisingly dry...
~R