Riley Verses The... Elmyra-esque Visitor Part 1

Long ago, there was a cartoon on TV called Tiny Toon Adventures. There was a character named Elmyra Duff ...

This is Elmyra... the cartoon character...

This is who Elmyra was based on... Meet Mommy's niece... We'll call her "Ellie" to protect the not-so-innocent...   ^.-

Ellie holding me...

A little too tight...

Close up of my "happy" face... (Sorry for the poor quality.. mom is cheap and decided to get a phone without a suitable camera to catch my devastatingly handsome good looks...)

Grumpy Cat who???

Eh, hem, where was I? Oh yes... "Ellie."

On one frigidly cold and unwelcoming Vermont day (we have about 357 of those yearly), Mom left the house with a backpack slung over her shoulder and a decidedly menacing laugh (that to her *probably* sounded like, "Be good Riley, I'll be back late tonight...). I, of course, wondered what was in the pack. I had somehow slept through her packing it and was at a loss as to where she would be going all day and through MY dinnertime. Hrmmph!

And as promised, mom rolled back up at the house around 0200 (that's 2 am for you civilians out there). Since I know it annoys her when she doesn't know where I am, I stretch... I yawn... I stretch again... And wait until I hear the key scratching at the door before I *think* about heading down the stairs to greet her... It is late after all and I *was* sleeping. One final stretch and I meander around the corner...

WHAT?????

WHO is that with her?????

No one informed me that I was sharing MY house with ANOTHER human... I only allow mom to live here since she does, well, kind of, sort of, you know... pays the bills... But I *should* have a roof over my head... free food to eat... free healthcare... I am a democat... (oh yeah, I went there...) It's my RIGHT to life, liberty and the pursuit of others hard-earned cash (AKA, happiness... ;-))!

And then I was spotted... That's right, Ellie drops her bags and makes a beeline in my direction. ~.^ I'm too rotund tired to dart out of reach. I brace myself for the worst... but she only pats me on my elongated forehead (my neanderthal forehead - don't judge... they've been looking for the missing link for YEARS...) and heads toward the litter box. Perhaps she'll do what mommy-dearest rarely does... and CLEAN it! :-P But alas, my box is still soiled when she exits, but her breath smells like something minty died... three days ago, rather than just the decomposition of death... (nose plug anyone? Anyone? *gag* Purrr-leeeeze!)

Anywho... off she went to bed (MY bed btw... MY BED! And she wouldn't even share! I took an elbow to the ribs... toes to the ear and eventually got kneed off completely. She is, by far, the Most. Violent. Sleeper. Ever!)

The next morning, her royal highness didn't leave *my* bed until about 11:00 am... 11:00 AM!!! What the catnip people? Do you know how many HOURS of catnapping I missed out on? Is that a wrinkle???  It is a wrinkle!

O. M. G!!!!!

And Princess Buttercup just walks on by... Doesn't even notice me and my tired, droopy eyes... my slouching, exhausted tail... But at least my bed is free... And I make a mad dash for it and sink right in...

Ahhhhh... Now, how YOU doin'?

I'm not really sure what happened the rest of the day... I was obviously catching up on my much needed zzz's... 

*Yawn*

Nighty night y'all... 

Sleepily...

~R

Riley Verses The... Empty House

I'll skip the apologies for my tardiness on this blog... So without further ado... I present my latest adventure in "Riley's World"

Happy Holidays everyone!!! And Happy New Year! 2013 has come in with a bang! Literally...

I bet you feel a story coming on...

Once upon a time there lived a devastatingly handsome, debonair, charming, outgoing Siamese kitty.... Oh right, you know that part- you've all "met" me... >' '<

It all started on one brisk, chilly December day... Mom was packing up a suitcase so I *KNEW* she was deserting me AGAIN... And this time, she was leaving me for WARMER weather and NOT taking me with her! She's packing shorts and tee shirts... talking about Sea World... Orlando... sunny beaches... while I mournfully peek out from my blanket at the snow covered trees... ^.- I glance at the indoor thermostat... it's a balmy 57 degrees Fahrenheit... so I hide my head under the blanket again...

Well the fateful day arrived and mom was out the door, with a kiss on the head, mumbling something incoherently (of course) about a coworker checking in on me... Abandoned... Sing along with me now... make Celine proud...

"All by me-owself! Don't wanna be Alllllll byyyyy me-owself Anyme-owwwwww......"

So.... looked like Mom was going to be gone for a while... I could throw a neighborhood party... swing from the ceiling fan... find a sunbeam to keep company... write in my blog (ha ha ha ha!!! I kill me... LOL)... eat some crunchy goodness... take a nap... and as I moseyed around the house and into the kitchen, I noticed the "island" my mom set up ("Martha Stewart" over here and her ingenious cheap ideas stuck a couple of rolling carts - as in WHEELS- up on bed risers to use as extra counter space and then added a bookcase as a back-splash to hold all of her teas, spices, tea pots, misc kitchen gadgets and all the other stuff she's hoarded, er collected, over the years...) and it got me to thinking... I thought to myself, "Self, that looks like a track... like a Nascat track... I could practice my high speed left hand turns!"

Drivers....
Start.
Your.
Engines!

Puurrrr Purrrrrr Puuuurrrrr....

And left....
and left....
and left...
and left...
and left...
and left...
and le... woah... I'm getting dizzy... Is that a mouse? a MOUSE???? I have to get out of here! Um, I mean, catch it! It's getting closer! I'm going up that bookcase!

2nd shelf...
3rd shelf...
5th shelf...

*CRASH*
*THUD*
*GLASS SHATTERING*
*BOOM*

An earthquake!

Paws, check.
Tail, check.
Any cuts, scrapes, bruises, broken bones??? No! Check!

Uh oh... Um...Mommy is going to be a little upset by this cat-astrophic event... Maybe she won't notice... Lets see... I'll just push that over there... *la deeee daaaa* swish my tail over the dust... yeah, barely noticeable... I'll just tiptoe around that half of the tea pot... she never drinks a full pot anyway....

***a day later***

*key in the lock; door opens; some guy walks in with a, "What the HECK???" look on his face*

I saunter down the stairs to see who dared to wake me from my slumber in the middle of the night... (people, it was like 1 am! What the heck?)

"Um, hello, can I help you? Are you lost? How did you get in here?"
"What happened Riley?"
"You know my name???" Wait a second... he has a little beard... and a mustache... I've seen him before... O-M-G!!! Devil's in the house! I died in the earthquake wreckage and he's here to take my soul!!!

*backing up the stairs slowly... but watching Satan walk toward the kitchen*

I can still hear him...

"What the heck happened in here? Why is the light on? Hellllloooooo?"

"Murrrrrrrooooooooowwwwwwww" (I can only assume the evil one is talking to me since I'm the only one here...)

"Be quiet cat!"

"Hrrmph!" Who does he think he is? "Oooooh, I'm Satan and I just told a 13 pound cat to be quiet... I'm so evil... " Whatever devil... It's no wonder he's here when mommy's not... she'd scare him away! Especially since it's 1 am and her hair would resemble Medusa's snakes about now... Now I'm not saying that she's terrifying to look at, but let's just say I'm thankful that it's dark in the middle of the night... but shhhhh, don't tell her that! ;-)

Anyway, where was I... Oh right, Lucifer was climbing through the wreckage the small, barely noticeable mess... and pulls out what I believe to be a Geiger counter... Holy cow, did he just say an 8.45 on the Richter scale? No wonder he's here! I must have lost all 9 lives (okay, okay... I probably only had 7, er, 4 left... FINE, whatever...) in that earthquake! The Angel of Darkness stares at the gadget- it makes no sound... And after a few minutes of silence...

"Oh well." I hear him mumble... "The cat appears to be okay and she'll be home soon... Try not to destroy anything else cat."

WHAT? Me??? You think *I* made this mess? No such luck my horned friend... I cleaned up the mess that I made... Apparently when you opened the door and tiptoed in, like a thief in the night, you knocked that entire book shelf over... tsk tsk tsk... My mommmmmy is gonna be maaaaaaad! And don't think I'm covering for you! :-P

***Two days later***

"Riley, I'm home!!! I hear you've been a mischievous, evil kitty while I've been gone... Holy cow, the kitchen...

WHAT. 
HAVE. 
YOU. 
DONE???"

"It wasn't me!"

"Riley, I know this mess was made by you, but how on EARTH did you knock that entire shelf over??? I could see you knocking some things off of it... but the WHOLE shelf???"

"It wasn't me!"

"Alright, alright... let me guess... did a little mousey-wousy scare you again??? Make you run and hide???"

*GASP*

"What? Well I never! Moi? Run and hide??? Have you been hitting the catnip when I wasn't looking? I AM the Mouse Hunter: Extreme Edition... What are you talking about crazy lady??? Don't you remember that time when I brought the mouse to you??? Hello, madd kitty skillz right there... How many cats do you think have the willpower and strength to not just snap that little neck? None, other than me, I tell ya! NONE!"

^.-

"I'm too tired to deal with this right now... the broken glass is picked up and I'll have to deal with the rest of it in the morning... I just can't believe the destruction! What were you thinking, Riley???"

"meow" :-P

Well, my faithful readers... I apologize this blog has taken so long! Mom cleaned up the mess and replaced it with a smaller shelf that she is hoping that I, I mean, the Devil, doesn't destroy again... She did manage to take another trip this May to see the Diminutive One and my pal, Cari... I hear there is even a shorter one amongst them now... I do hope they don't think they're visiting me... One wee lad was enough for me... but two??? And even smaller??? Nope... not happening! Not in this house, no way! I'm putting my paw down cat-gone it!

Ooh, sorry guys, I've got to go... Mom just pulled in the driveway... and I may, or may not, have a mess to clean up before she gets in here...

In a hurry!!!!
~R

Riley Verses the... Most Brilliant. Idea. Ever.

Since I do not get nearly the face time that my handsome self should get...

I have decided that I need a reality show... Oh yes, you read that correctly... a REALITY. SHOW! It shall be called,  

The Real Housecat of Vermont!

Note that "Housecat" is not plural... This would be show about ME, myself and I...

I mean, look at me... I can bling! We all know I can throw down with a mean cat-fight =). I have no job (other than admiring myself in a mirror...) I eat meals prepared by my own personal chef... I guess I would have to work on the meaningless, tacky, outrageously, over-the-top parties though... I'm not much for sharing (anything)... And my toleration threshold for admiring anyone other than myself for over 3.5 seconds... well, lets be real people, is NON-EXISTENT....


Imagine (if you will...) the typical episode...


<que dream sequence music>

The Opening Credit (no need for plural people... I only need to thank myself!)... Pretty, blinging and HUGE!

RILEY

The Real Housecat of Vermont!

The scene: <lavish living room with chandelier... little mouseys hanging off each arm of the chandelier holding a small candle> I'm standing on my two back legs... paws on hips... duck lips (people this is Hollywood! Get with it! Duck lips are BIG!)...  My name fades in, sparkling like diamonds, the scene fades to me sleeping on a plush bed, sun beams creating a halo around my angelic head...

Now, for a typical episode, the "crew" (those people with the cameras and mikes to catch my every movement and sound) would follow me around the house... Still shots, of course, being taken every opportunity the sun touches my luxurious fur... (back off PETA... the fur, it's mine... you lay one little vegan finger on me and I'll sue you til I own your last piece of tofu... ) What I envision for every episode is basically a half an hour of watching yours truly go about my daily routine... of eating, sleeping, grooming... blinging... And then the last 15 minutes (there are at least 15 minutes worth of commercials for my hour show... act quickly! Slots are filling up fast... And Garfield, no room for you, my lasagna snarfing friend... My show = class... and you, ARE NOT!) can be outtakes of my outrageously gaudy and excessive party... Turkey pate anyone? Pass the insults...

Can't you picture it?

Lights! Cameras! ACTION!

*Murrrrrrrooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww*

Please send your requests for autographs with a self-enclosed stamped envelope and a small handling fee of $100 (USA) to me here in VT.

The STAR of the show!
~R

Riley Verses The... Spring Cleaning

Two months ago... I started this blog... but due to unforeseen circumstances (emergency sun beam naps, mysterious noises in the wall and mom's ability to hide the laptop... ^.- ) it's taken me a while to finish...

Ahem... so, without further ado... I bring you, "Spring Cleaning."

The part of the Cat is being played by yours truly (*blush* *blush* Oh do hold your applause...) and the part of "Mom" is being played by the Wicked Witch of the West (no, the Wicked Witch of the East was unavailable; she had a previous engagement... with a house).

Spring... Wonderful, Glorious, Fabulous, Sunny Spring is right around the corner my arctic friends... The sun and I are hanging out longer... and that annoyingly bright snow is finally weeping its goodbyes... Life. Is. Good...

Then enter mom...

And the vacuum...

And rhetorical statements of, "I wonder how that will look there..." "Hmm... this should be tossed..." "And my! It's in the 70's this week, I can open windows and turn off the heat!"

Um, turn off the heat? It's MARCH woman! It's going to get cold again... We live in Brr-mont! Are you freaking insane?

And then good ol' Mother Nature backed me up that week! It was snowing! And do you know what that fruit loop did? She opened the back door to let the arctic wind whip through the kitchen! Why? Because she decided it was a perfectly lovely day to hang sheets out to dry. I've heard of freeze dried food (*BLECH*) but freeze dried sheets??? My, don't they sound snuggly and cozy?  ^.-

So, I did what any sane, rational, warm-blooded creature would do; ran for warmer ground (you do remember me telling you about my heated mattress pad, right??? Oh yes... toasty my friends... toasty)!

Alright, so it's mid-May now so, please accept my sincerest apologies for the tardiness of this blog... It's been a rough month... Without the heat turned on, my little claws were shivering so much I couldn't even type! Thankfully the sun has been cranked up (woo hoo folks, in the 80's this past weekend!) and mom is no longer in possession of the laptop (she has finally graduated peeps! And do you know what she's done to celebrate??? Oh, just guess... She signed up for chemistry classes in the fall! Isn't that the most fabulous way to celebrate being done with classes??? *head desk*).

Well, my patient readers of the cyber world... Spring cleaning is done downstairs... Though I did do a bit of complaining and protesting... it is nice to be able to roll around all over the place batting the doody out of my "torturous" treat ball.... However, without the piles, I'm finding fewer places to hide it... You win some, you lose some... C'est la vie!

I know I have not upheld my civic duty of blogging more often... but I think I've come up with an idea to solve that... 

Stay tuned for the next blog where I unveil my most brilliant idea ever... (but please don't hold your breath for it, unless you're David Blaine... I prefer to not lose my fans... Not many kitties have an international fan base ya' know... :-) )

~R

Riley Verses The... Resolutions

Ha Ha! Mommy dearest only thought I would make it til the 13th... And *plllllllllsssssssssssss* I made it to January 17th! Boooo- yahhhh! (Yes, granted it IS February 8th that I'm telling you this...) Yeah, boooooyyyy! *Happy Dance* <wiggle, wiggle, punch the air, punch the air>

Alright... perhaps I shouldn't be so excited that I made it only 17 days... but that is still FOUR. DAYS. LONGER. than Ms. "Know-it-all" said I would. I *knew* I could make it longer than just 13 days... and I did! (btw, did you notice the scratch on her nose today? I was having this fabulous dream last night about catnip and warm, soft carpets to roll around on... I rolled, she rolled, her nose got in the way. ^.- ).

As for the rest of the resolutions... well, lets just say they're a work in process...  a labor of love if you will... Mom loves me and I like to entertain her ideas...

When mom actually remembers to fill up my treat chamber of doom, I have managed to (relatively) silently empty it (psss, come in close, I have a secret to tell you... Mom doesn't realize that I can hook my claw under the turn-y thing and swivel it around so that the BIG hole is allowing treats to fall... I just have to remember to turn it back so mom doesn't get suspicious... It was a REALLY close call the other day... But fortunately for me, mom's sister text messaged her while she was picking up the treat ball and Ms. "I-can-multitask-and-only-pay-partial-attention-to-the-15-things-I'm-doing" ended up filling it without realizing she never even opened it! *snicker*).

As for the tripping/launching down the stairs... I have not gotten any sort of blinking lights for my tale, but I do try to get down the stairs while mom makes the bed. It seems to be working for now, claws crossed... but no promises if mom is lazy one morning and doesn't bother making the bed...

And, she is STILL rolling over while she sleeps... it does seem to be kept to a minimum and for the most part, I try to stay under the covers (I live in VERMONT people... even with this "global warming" thing, it is still FAR too cold for me! And have I mentioned that mom doesn't even heat the bedroom? Nope, she has this mattress pad on the bed that she plugs into the wall. It gets toasty warm under the covers, but you pop your head out and icicles start forming on your whiskers... Have you ever sneezed ice cubes??? I have!!! ^.-

And finally, last, but most certainly not least... I have been using my "listening skills" (thank you "mommy-of-the-short one" for a phrase that just never seems to lose funny-ness to my mom) and I will actually stop whining the 418th time mom asks me to stop... Sometimes, on special occasions (like I have food in my mouth or I'm too muffled to be heard under 27 blankets) I even stop BEFORE mom gets to 418! I think that should earn me extra treats or at least "honorary" days for meeting (and EXCEEDING!) my resolutions...

And that's all for now folks... the sun is creeping through the living room window and I better go keep it company before it runs away again...

Still striving...
~R

Riley Verses The... New Year

Wow... 2012... Can you believe it? New Years has a special place in my heart since that's when Mom picked me up from the Inhumane Society and took me home in an itty bitty box... Now I have a house! Woot Woot!

So... without further ado... <drumroll please> my...

New Year's Resolutions!

1. Will bat my torture treat chamber on my own without whining (okay, so this isn't really realistic, but isn't that the point to New Year's Resolutions???)
2. Will not stick my paw up mom's nose while she's sleeping (What? I need to stretch out... Not my fault her big ol' honker is in my way!).
3. Will not trip mom going down the stairs (maybe ebay has some blinky lights I can attach to my tail so mom can SEE me in the dark... geesh)
4. Will not protest (LOUDLY) when she rolls over while she's sleeping and then get my lovely claws stuck in her hair (I wonder if she ever heard of a hairnet? Or maybe she could twisty turvy it into a bun.... Or MAYBE she could just stop freaking rolling over!)
5. And finally... I will obediently listen when mom tells me to "Shut Up" for the 418th time. (Cause I know she really doesn't mean it if she only says it 417 times... She just likes to hear herself *tawk* LOL, did I mention mom's a "New Yawkah?" Bwaaahaahaahaaa)

And that, my loyal fans, is my New Year's Resolutions of 2012... What are yours? And who wants to place bets on how long I last... Mom gives me 'til January 13th...

Riley Verses The... Torture Treat Chamber

The Torture Treat Chamber... Mom is really putting the screws to me now... She thinks I need a diet... that I should *work* for my treats... Maybe I should padlock the fridge and see if she enjoys *working* for her food...    -.^

This is an evil exciting sphere of treat-giving irritation goodness. The idea is to bat it through a window around the room, and allow the treat to naturally fall from an unnaturally small hole the window in the top of the torturous toy. Doesn't that sound like malicious torment fun???

You would not believe the mad skillz I posses to HIDE this sucker (you know, once it is emptied... Darn you tasty-treat-goodness!!!) Because... once it is hidden, and mom cannot find it, she is forced to just hand me my treats! (Thank you Greenies Company for coming out with such fine tasting specimen of extra calories!)

The other day, mom came home with this thing and tricked me... I hear her chirp, "Riley want a treat???" Well, cat-gone it, does the sun rise every morning? Of COURSE I want a treat! So I prance out to the dining room, singing, "Yes I do... oh yes I do... Yes I do!!!" And that is when she hands it to me... the aforementioned chamber of doom... At first, mom would smack it around (yes, yes, I have her well trained... :-D ) and I would follow the treat paved line. Then, she stopped. SHE. STOPPED! Um, hello? If you don't hit the ball-y thing, I do not get treats... <glare> After what seemed an eternity, I finally decided to *pat* *pat* the thing myself... and nothing... <glare> *PAT* *PAT* nothing... *PAAAT* *SMACK* Woo-hoo, pay dirt! One whole treat. What? One? For all that work I get ONE. LOUSY. TREAT???

Okay... if that's how it's going to be... *Ka-pow*  *nom nom nom* *Ka-boom!* *nom nom nom* *Hiiiiiiiiii - yaaaaaa* *nom nom nom*

Aww, look at that... you're now empty... as empty as your dark soul, you devious device of misery... And if you disappear- you will not be a thorn in my side any longer... so... lets see... *grunt* *groan* there you go, under the loveseat with the cobwebs... back to the depths of Dante's inferno.... back you go to your third circle... (Side-note: our esteemed blogger, Riley, unknowingly chose the "gluttony" circle; coincidence???) Goodbye and good ridden! Now to clean these cobwebs off of me...

It was about three days later and I hear Jigsaw (aka mom) demonically hiss, "I want to play a game..." And cat-gone it! It was back! How did mom find it??? She NEVER looks under the loveseat... *hrmph* I didn't want to... but it was filled with TREATS! I couldn't turn my back on it when it was full of crunchy morsels... it needed my help... to empty its bulging belly of delicacies. I could sacrifice a few more moments of my time to smack it to kingdom come, er, inferno come.

This time I hid it MUCH better. So much better in fact, that I am not even telling my loyal readers where I hid it- in case you feel the need to tell my mom... Because so far, she has not been able to locate its whereabouts... She's sent out an APB... Looked under the loveseat, the bench, the tv stand... but alas...

"Oh where oh where did the little toy go? Oh where oh where can it be? With its belly void and empty of treats... oh where oh where is it???"

Hiding and not seeking...
~R