Riley Verses The... Work Week

Hello all my adoring fans... I have decided to give you a behind the scenes "day in the life of Riley." I've heard rumors that some people (not you of course...) think I do NOTHING all day long. I've even heard that *some* people think I SLEEP 23 hours a day! And then some people think I must be bored out of my cute little head and need a dog to keep me company... (I know who you are MOM and I *know* where you sleep... muahhhh ahhh ahhhh <rubbing paws together>)

Anyway... a day in my life during the work week...

5:00 am: The alarm goes off, I protest, and snooze is hit with minimal disturbance to me.

5:01 am: Coffee beans begin to be ground; seriously, she's too lazy to hit the "on" button? She has to set the thing to wake me up? Really?

5:09 am: The blasted thing goes off again... Snooze is once again activated... The wafting aroma of coffee fills my nostrils...

5:18 am: And she's up. I protest LOUDLY and she shush's me. >^-< (that's my, "are you serious???" glare).

5:19 am: I trip her getting off the bed- doesn't she watch where she's going???

5:20 am: Sitting on the rug, impatiently waiting for her to turn off the fan, close the window and unplug the fan.

Still 5:20 am: Stop halfway down the stairs because I think I forgot to tuck in my mousey-toy... and nearly get launched through the front door. Geesh, she didn't see me *stop*!?!?!?!?

5:21 am: Coffee is poured; half and half splashed in and around the cup; spoon full of sugar loudly clanging as she stirs.... *sluuuuuu-uuuurp* I of course, am still sitting next to my day old water and empty food dish... No no... enjoy your cup of coffee as I starve and play the odds that I won't get malaria and/or dengue from this stagnant water... <paw to forehead... swaying a little>

5:25 am: FINALLY getting some attention... Exactly 1/2 cup of crunchy goodness (not a kibble more!) and one fresh dish of good old city water (don't knock it! Mom tried giving me that bottled stuff... *blech* No thank you, tap water for me; on the rocks! Just like my mom!)! 

5:32 am: I drag my sock ( you remember me telling you about them, right? I kept stealing mom's socks, so she finally gave me a pair of my own.) over to my dish and cover it over... I suspect another cat is in the house and I am hiding it from him/her... I only see him/her when mom picks me up in the bathroom... That's the only time I see mom's twin too... I look for her when mom goes to work...even looking in the bathroom "window," but I only see that other dashing cat! I tell him that it's my house, but would you believe he mimics me! MIMICS ME!!! Meows in my face and even paws at my devastatingly handsome good looks! Fortunately, he misses and then disappears as I jump off the sink.

5:45 am: I curl up on mom's lap as she slurps down another cup of java and catches up on her tweetering twits er, tweeter twittings, um the NEWS!

6:30 am: I get dumped on the floor as she gets up to get ready for work. I head to my bed (MY bed. In MY bedroom. On MY blanket. Not to be confused with mom's bedroom) and fall asleep on my soft, pretty, pink (yet a masculine pink!) blanket.

7:40 am: She is off and running and tells me to be good. >^.-< 

8:00 am: Mosey back down the stairs to munch on some crunchy goodness.

8:13 am: I hop up on the dining room chair, turn on the laptop and catch up on the news... In case you're wondering, I check out these sites:
i can has cheezburger
lol cats
Cat info

And in case anyone wants to buy yours truly a gift... I've had my eye on this:
Lol Cat Bible

9:27 am: Where does the time go? <streeeeeeetch> Okay, I need to work on my blog. I know my peeps are waiting for my next installment with bated breath!

9:30 am: <tap tap tap> Hmm... what interesting tidbit of my life to write about next... <bzzzzzzzz> It's a FLY! Must keep the house fly free. Que mission impossible music. <dun dun dun dun dun dun nar nar nar> Now, obviously this isn't a picture of me... but since my photographer (mom) is at work... here's what I would look like...

Okay... now I might have missed on my first Hiiiiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaa! So, I tried again...

I have succeeded. The fly is now a snack. nom nom nom.

11:42 am: After a quick cat nap (I slay me!), I patrol the perimeter.
Living room: all clear
Dining room: all clear
Kitchen: all clear
Bathroom: woah, litterbox needs to be cleaned, but miraculously all clear
Spare Bedroom: all clear
Foyer: all clear
Mom's bedroom: all clear
My bedroom: *INTRUDER ALERT* *INTRUDER ALERT*

Oh no he didn't! I've seen this guy before...

So... I snuck up on him... <tippy toes... tippy toes...> with my mad ninja skillz... Looks like I gave him a squirrelly heart attack... tee hee hee....

Mission accomplished- Squirrel is no longer a threat!
My bedroom: all clear!

12:37 pm: I head back down the stairs and stake out the living room... I curl up on the fluffy, purple blanket (people, I don't shop for myself... that dingbat seems to like girly colors... ) and decide to rest my eyes for a moment...

2:30 pm: *CLANG* *BANG* I awake with a start! er, I mean, I am of course locked on and ready to go... I spring to the window to find none other than the same stranger putting something in the metal box attached to the house... OMG IT'S A BOMB! HIDE YOUR KIDS!!! HIDE YOUR WIFE!!! Wait <scratching head>, where have I heard that before???

Oh man... that makes me LOLz every time!!

4:50 pm: Wow, really? It's nearly 5:00 pm? Did I really just surf youtube videos for nearly 2 and a half hours? My sides hurt from LMAO, so maybe I have! Quick shut the computer down... Get off the dining room table... Pretend to have just gotten up and greet mom at the door....

5:00 pm: MEOW! Hi Mom... and how was your day... that's nice...Oh no... everything quiet on the home front... "Riley, GET out from under my feet!" Ah the gratitude... Can you feel the love???

5:05 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:06 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:07 pm: "Alright alright... I'm getting your dinner oh starving one... Like you did anything today to work up an appetite... Does sleeping really burn that many calories???  If so, I'm going to start sleeping more! Here you go... Dinner is served... Yes, Riley, it's turkey... <eye roll>"

5:14 pm: I'm chillax' while mom cooks her dinner and does her thing...

And that folks... is a day in the life of Ninja Riley...

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAAAAA
~R

Riley Verses The... Strange Sight

'Twas the Day Before Sunday...

'Twas the day before Sunday....
The alarm did ring.
The coffee began brewing...
The birds outside sing.

Mom swings her legs off,
Of the bed and stands up.
As per the morning custom,
I trip her up

She regains her balance
And slowly descends
Careful to not kick
Me (as she really intends).

Pours herself a cup
Of coffee, sugar and cream
I circle around
My dish is empty it seems

As she dumped food in my bowl
I happened to see
Four hooves and a tail
Galloping up Bassett Street

A deer? On the road????
Now that doesn't seem right...
I will rub my eyes...
And look again in better light...

Holy smokes it's a deer!
Quick get my arrows and bow
Venison for dinner!
Oh wait... it's a doe...

And I hear her exclaim
As she trots out of sight
Nanny nanny poo poo *sppppttth*
You can't have a bite!

Riley Verses The... Thunder

*Flashes of light* BOOOOOOM

That was basically how my evening went in late May this year (2011)... Others might know it as the Flood of 2011 in Montplelier, Barre, Plainfield, Cabot, etc... But, me... I know it as, the night that everything was full of water but my water glass... <hhhrrrmmmmph!>

Mom came home from work on a Thursday... and then the rain began... And it POURED! (mom said it rained "cats and dogs" but I did not see a single domesticated animal out in that weather, so I think mom was hallucinating...) No biggie.. it's rained here before... I didn't feel the need to start building an ark or anything... nor did I move my toys to higher ground... just a typical thunderstorm... until about 9 pm... Mom had gone upstairs to read and I jumped on her stomach to remind her that she did not fill MY glass with water for bed... so I glared at her until she got up...

I followed her down the stairs where she promptly filled my glass.... and then suddenly neglected it as she took off into the basement! As I listened, I thought I heard water running... I looked at the sink, but she turned the faucet off... My glass was full, but out of reach... *sigh* So, I did as I always do.... I waited... I heard some swearing from the basement vicinity... perhaps mom left water running down there? I heard footsteps on the stairs and was about to let her know I didn't appreciate my glass of water just outside my reach when she stormed by me (pun intended! :-)). She grabbed some shoes and disappeared into the basement abyss...

She later filled in the details for me... From what I gather... it rained... a LOT!!! And water/rain was pouring in between the cement of the foundation and the boards of the house... She had buckets and was tossing the water outside (not to worry, no comedy routine here... water was only coming in at the front of the house... the back of the house is perched on a small cliff). The torrential downpour finally began to subside and I hear on the stairs... *squish* *squeak* *squish* *squeak* Either a waterlogged giant mouse was coming up the stairs (go go gadget giant mouse trap!) or mom was a bit soggy.... it was the latter... a "drowned rat" comes to mind... I guess I was at least in the right family... rodent... :-D

At about 3 am mom finally made it back to bed.  Which was about time! I only get in about 12 hours of sleep during the daylight hours... Without my beauty sleep... well, mom gets pretty ugly...

The rest of the weekend was pretty similar... except mom's dad came to visit. They went to NY to see cars race down a straight 1/4 mile track (ooh, how exciting... if only I could fry in the sun and suck in exhaust for hours on end <eye roll>) and were back that evening. Mom was pretty pooped and passed out around 10 pm... I curled up on her side to keep her warm... it *was* only about 80 degrees in her bedroom... and fell asleep. Next thing I knew I woke up to a gun shot... I've been shot!!! I've been shot!!! I've been... uh, um... wait, I don't see any blood on me... O......... M............ G........ Mom's been shot... her arm... it's bleeding!!! Someone call 911! Darn that cell phone and it's touch screen... I can't tap one number at a time... Mom... MOM... TALK to me... STAY WITH ME!!! Help will arrive soon... Mom glares at me, as if I was holding the smoking gun and then she speaks... slowly, but very menacingly... "Riley.. if you do not.... get. off. this. bed. right. this. minute... I am going to launch you into NEXT WEEK!!!"

Confused, I look down at her arm and realize that unless she was shot with a fork, those scratch marks might (slim chance I'm sure...) have been caused by innocent little ol' me... But mom... I can explain... it was the thunder... and you know how I am with loud noises... and it was the THUNDER'S fault... Let's blame Zeus... Here Zeus... Here boy... O00000hhhhhh Ze-----us... I'm sure he's hiding from your wrath... <beaming white toothy cheesey smile>.

"Riley, my soon to be heaven bound cat... I do not have a dog named Zeus... and I highly doubt you will conjure up the mythological Zeus by calling him like Rover... How about this... you go sleep on *your* bed... "your" being the key word... I'll go wrap up the dangling flesh on my arm and we'll call it a night..."

Um, yeah, that's a good idea mom... Did you need any help wi... <glare> Yeah, ok... I'll just head to bed...

Still breathing...
~R

Riley Verses The... Firemen

Now I *know* what you're thinking... “That dumb cat got stuck in a tree... ha ha ha!” Um... and you would be wrong... <eye roll> May I remind you I'm an indoor cat and mom definitely has no trees in here! So... what would I be doing with firemen, you ask??? Well you sit right back and you'll read a tale...

Once upon a time, in a very near land... there lived a fairy princess (I guess I can't really say “fairy” in PC land) self-sufficient old maid (*sigh*) young lady with her one-of-a-kind, handsome, intelligent, talented, talking feline companion (yeah, yeah... I could have just said ,“she had a cat” but that doesn't do me much justice, now does it... hush and let me finish my story...). They lived in a beautiful castle 2 story house in desperate need of cosmetic updates... Our overly ambitious and driven lady of the house decided no job was too small (or too LARGE) for her to tackle on her own... She's torn down paneling to find charming lavender walls adorned with “artwork” (think five year old with a paint brush and Pac-man ghosts and you have the general idea)... She's replaced sub-flooring when she found out that she just about had half a bath in the basement (for those not in the know.. our heroine's “throne” was essentially rotting through the floor and within the first month, m'lady had the bathroom ripped apart to replace the 3' by 4' death trap). You get the idea... she's one of those do-it-yourselfer's... that is... until she met her match...

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the match of the century... we have a new challenger today, new to this arena... it's... the lady of the house.... and in the other corner, the “raining” (yeah, it's reigning, but you'll get the joke in a minute... wait for it...) champ of the last few decades... it's.... The Old Plumbing (O.P.)!!! ( the crowd goes wild...) And the bell rings... Round 1... The lady circles... she's looking weary already... She sees the ice in O.P.'s veins and a fraction before he throws the punch the cameraman shows the action in slow motion... Lady exclaims, “Ohhhh nooooooo" *pow* It was an upper cut to the jaw and a slap in the face... The breath leaves her as she tried to retreat... But O.P. continued to pour his rain of death on her... It was a KO in the first few seconds...

Okay, a bit too abstract for you? This is what happened... Mom went downstairs for some unknown reason... (I believe it was about February of 2011) and noticed a column of ice INSIDE the house... she hadn't noticed this before so went over to investigate... she followed her hand up the column and accidentally touched an unknown pipe which promptly burst in her face, spraying her with ice cold water knocking the breath right out of her... She ran upstairs looking for her cell which of course was playing hide and seek with her... so she ran across the street (looking like a drowned rat, may I add he he he) and asked her neighbors to call the water dept. She ran back and finally managed to find her phone and call the police... An eternity later (ok, more like 5 minutes) THREE fire trucks showed up... THREE! What in the world did she tell them to send THREE large firetrucks and a little fire box truck thing... As the half a dozen firemen slowly sauntered through the house and were lead to the basement, I was herded into the bedroom and locked in there.. as if I would try to escape outside... hello, it's even colder out there... who would give up these balmy temps of 56 degrees (Fahrenheit people... Fahrenheit!) in here???

Anyway, where was I... right... the firemen... this part of the story is second hand so who knows how much mom has embellished... but I'll tell you as she told me... “So Riley... how many firemen does it take to turn off the water to this house?” Oh goody... a joke... “Four...” “ Um.. mom... that's not really a funny joke... you forgot the punch line... “Yes, Riley... I know...there is no punch line when it's pathetically true!!!!” So, while I hid under the bed... two floors below me... one fireman was turning off the water to the washing machine (I guess just in case mom decided to do a load of laundry while water poured into her basement)... another one watched the water dump to the floor, mumbling, “yup, this here is a burst pipe...” (ah, the brilliance), the third one was staring intently at where the water lines entered into the house spouting scary statements like, “I think your shut off is at the street ma'am... under 4 feet of snow” (WHAT???) and the fourth one... my hero may I add... grabbed a wrench and turned the water off... the lever was missing... and the blessed water stopped spewing... But of course... that means none of the house had water... But all was not lost... Mom made a few phone calls... and a plumber was actually able to fix the problem that evening.. Thank you Mr. Plumber Man...

Now for those of you who might be entertaining the idea that mom is an idiot... let me tell you about the location of this pipe that burst... a long long time ago, the people that had this house before, decided to “finish” half of the basement and put up paneling (what is it with them and gosh darn it paneling???)... then a water main broke and flooded the basement, destroying the “finished” part... but the paneling was not ripped down all the way... then mom buys the house... so this pipe, came down off from the bathroom plumbing above and followed the back wall BEHIND THE PANELING, sandwiching it between the concrete blocks and the paneling inside... Now, where did this pipe go to, you ask? No where... Ridiculously enough, this pipe followed the wall for about 10 feet and stopped... it was connected to nothing... just hanging out... collecting stagnant water... and freezing.... who puts a pipe to nowhere??? Well, mom had the plumber remedy that pretty quick... it's now cut off at the knees... lol... well, closer to the bathroom plumbing that is... and mom has some heat vent pointed at it to deter it from freezing again...

Sorry for taking so long to post this my loyal admirers... You see, we flooded AGAIN since my last post.... and trees have come down in the back yard (intentionally, don't fret my pets!)... and well, somebody has to keep all those sunbeams entertained! 

Just call me...

The hostess with the mostest...

~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors... Again???

Okay, so I might have been a teensy tiny bit over-confident in my mad skillz of getting rid of a dwarf and the circus he brought with him.... because they're back. *sigh*

Well, there I was lying in MY sunbeam when I hear a car roll in the driveway. I assume it's mom coming home from work... Well you know where assuming gets you! And it did! I stroll over to the door expecting a "Hi Ri-Ri" (my mom's nickname for me... or Re-re when I do something not so intelligent) and instead, are you sitting down??? the door opens and in comes the chimp... again! I meow loudly in protest, You were supposed to be gone!!! But they pretend to not understand and run around like I'm not even there. I sulk to the couch, lie there and wait.

The wee one was playing with my toys again, but I was not to be made a fool twice so I just sat and glared... I was hoping if I stared hard enough his head would explode, but alas, my skills are not that developed...

The tall one and the other one came in... the "other" one came over and sat next to me. I think her name is Cari... So Cari sat next to me and I cringed... but she reached out and gently petted me... Oh, I guess it wasn't *sooooo* bad... so I allowed her to continue. At least mini-satan kept his distance...

Then mom finally decided to grace us with her presence.. I followed her around explaining the situation and how I needed the house back to the way it was... people-less... but she just shoo'd me from being underfoot as she ran around grilling steak and bringing out large tubs of salads...

Cari was very nice... she stayed in "my" room while they were here and she had this really cool doll thing that she colored her hair (and the table, the walls, the floor, the stairs... ME! but I digress) I allowed her to sit with me and pet me... I am afterall attention STARVED and will take any tolerable pets I can... Mom of course just ignores me... if that inhumane society wasn't a teensy bit worse than my sub-standard living conditions now, I would call them to complain... however.. I do have more room here to roam... so, I guess I'm stuck here in lack-of-attention-land...


"THEY" were with us for about a week... when mom didn't have to work she thankfully got them out from under my paws and out of my fur. Cari was nice and I wish she stayed, but I was glad to see shorty finally go...for GOOD this time... However, my cyber friends, I must share this little tidbit... which I found to be most humorous... Mom got this new nail polish that changes color- I must confess, it is pretty cool.... Well, the diminutive one decided that he was left out as the "girls" all painted their nails... and wait for it... they painted HIS NAILS TOO! I nearly died... Little boy cretin with pretty purple toes and rainbow fingernails... It. was. too. much!!! I laughed so hard I snorted! I guess if he can doll himself up, he's not so bad... now that he's leaving that is... and he did provide me with much laughter when he was at a distance... But the little monkey and his handlers finally left... Hallelujah! Praise Tac... And good riddance...

Since satan has left me, does that make me born again???

Pondering,
~R

Riley Verses The... Evolution of Darwin

So... I was googling and binging the other day (while mom was at work- she hogs the laptop when she's home) and I came across this fascinating article on what can only be my relatives...

Riley's ancestors - seen here!!!

I mean, I think it's no coincidence that I love wheat products... goldfish crackers, pita chips, wheat thins... It's in my ancient blood to eat plants!

See mom! This is why I do not eat fish! My ancestors were herbivores. :-)

Plant-munching,
~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors

Okay... well lets just say that it was OBVIOUS that *something* was up. I should warn you, if you're not sitting down, you might want to. Mom was (drum roll please....) CLEANING! I know! Now aren't you glad you were sitting down! It wasn't just her usual pick-this-up-and-pile-it-there "cleaning"... She actually got the vacuum monster out... and actually CLEANED! I was very confused... I had never seen her do this before and I had been with her for about a year and a half now (it's roughly the summer of 2010).

Anyway... the "reason" for all this cleaning finally arrives... in a MINIVAN! What the? I watch through the window as my mom stands outside waving as the MINIVAN pulls in... And out steps this taller human. Okay... one person, I can deal with that... Then the back door opens and out pops another human, about the same height as mom... Okay... two people... I can deal with...

WHAT? WAIT... No, no one authorized this... I'm pretty sure in my adoption papers this was STRICTLY forbidden actually... I'll have to run upstairs and dig those out.. this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's a midget! A short person! Someone who does NOT have to bend at the waist to pull my tail... He is so not coming into this house. *stomp*

So, as they marched in, single file, I waited for shorty... and as soon as he walked in, *BAM*, a 1-2 PUSH! Right back out the door. <and the crowd goes wild!> "Riley, what are you doing? Let Noah in"

The cretin has a name??? And she's allowing him in? This is a "kids free" zone... as in, NO KIDS! According to Riley's Adoption paperwork, Section B, Part 5, "Thou shall not allow children (or anyone under 5 feet tall) to enter said premises (aka HOME) for ANY reason. IF, this rule is broken by the adoptee, the adopted party <THAT'S ME!> will not and cannot be held responsible for his actions."

Okay, you're allowing him in <rubs paws together> "Bring it!"

Since I had to come up with a game plan (this was not in my play book since I never ever thought mom would actually let a little person in MY house), I ran upstairs to mastermind my strategy...

After a few hours of calculations, schematics, and pencil sharpening, I knew I had a winner. Let the games begin wee one... oh yes... let the games begin...

The Next Day
I slept pretty soundly, considering I *knew* there was evil lurking in the house... The next morning, mom got up and began to get ready for work. "Mom, you can't go to work, you have to take the day off. You CANNOT leave me here with them!"
"Riley, shush, they're sleeping still.. you'll wake them up"
"But MOM! You CANNOT leave me alone with them!"
"SHHHHHH"
"But..."
"Do you want me to feed you to the raccoons? Is that what you want? Riley, shut - UP!"

<glare>
"Fine, be that way... just remember, I can't be held responsible for my actions... if mini-Satan meets his demise, well, let's just say I warned you!"
"Ri- ley. Shush!"

I sulked off to lie in my sun beam upstairs.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew a football team had started playing defense in the living room... Confused, I ran downstairs to find the dwarf playing with MY TOYS! MY TOYS! Okay, so I don't play with them... but they're MINE and he can't play with them. I chase after the mousey he threw, grabbed it and tried to take off...

"ME-OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" That was my tail! I think it's broke, he must have separated it from my spine... the pain... the pain!!! I open one of my clenched eyes to see that no one saw my performance other than the diminutive one and he was NOT showing any empathy. Okay fine, he didn't pull my tail all that hard, he actually only brushed it... but this COULD have been a disaster. I'm just sayin'

So, the pint-sized person is standing there and staring down at me, he reaches down... to pull my tail? grab my ear? Oh no he won't! And in a flash, I'm on up my hind legs and 1-2 PUSH! And down the munchkin goes! "Float like a butterfly <hop> <hop> Sting like a bee!" Buzzzzzzzz my little friend... BUZZZZZZZ!

The Score:
Riley 1
Pee Wee O

And then the big human comes in and says, "Aww, how cute... you're playing with Riley... Okay, Noah, come on and get in the shower- we're going to head out for the day."
They're leaving! Do a little jig! Happy Dance! Goooooood-bye puny one!

 *stretch* *yawn*

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. And don't bother waking me- you can see yourself out!"

I mean, I knew I was good... but darn, I'm gooooood... they didn't even last 24 hours with me... Yeah boy, see-ya!

Smugly content,
~R