Riley Verses The... Spring Cleaning

Two months ago... I started this blog... but due to unforeseen circumstances (emergency sun beam naps, mysterious noises in the wall and mom's ability to hide the laptop... ^.- ) it's taken me a while to finish...

Ahem... so, without further ado... I bring you, "Spring Cleaning."

The part of the Cat is being played by yours truly (*blush* *blush* Oh do hold your applause...) and the part of "Mom" is being played by the Wicked Witch of the West (no, the Wicked Witch of the East was unavailable; she had a previous engagement... with a house).

Spring... Wonderful, Glorious, Fabulous, Sunny Spring is right around the corner my arctic friends... The sun and I are hanging out longer... and that annoyingly bright snow is finally weeping its goodbyes... Life. Is. Good...

Then enter mom...

And the vacuum...

And rhetorical statements of, "I wonder how that will look there..." "Hmm... this should be tossed..." "And my! It's in the 70's this week, I can open windows and turn off the heat!"

Um, turn off the heat? It's MARCH woman! It's going to get cold again... We live in Brr-mont! Are you freaking insane?

And then good ol' Mother Nature backed me up that week! It was snowing! And do you know what that fruit loop did? She opened the back door to let the arctic wind whip through the kitchen! Why? Because she decided it was a perfectly lovely day to hang sheets out to dry. I've heard of freeze dried food (*BLECH*) but freeze dried sheets??? My, don't they sound snuggly and cozy?  ^.-

So, I did what any sane, rational, warm-blooded creature would do; ran for warmer ground (you do remember me telling you about my heated mattress pad, right??? Oh yes... toasty my friends... toasty)!

Alright, so it's mid-May now so, please accept my sincerest apologies for the tardiness of this blog... It's been a rough month... Without the heat turned on, my little claws were shivering so much I couldn't even type! Thankfully the sun has been cranked up (woo hoo folks, in the 80's this past weekend!) and mom is no longer in possession of the laptop (she has finally graduated peeps! And do you know what she's done to celebrate??? Oh, just guess... She signed up for chemistry classes in the fall! Isn't that the most fabulous way to celebrate being done with classes??? *head desk*).

Well, my patient readers of the cyber world... Spring cleaning is done downstairs... Though I did do a bit of complaining and protesting... it is nice to be able to roll around all over the place batting the doody out of my "torturous" treat ball.... However, without the piles, I'm finding fewer places to hide it... You win some, you lose some... C'est la vie!

I know I have not upheld my civic duty of blogging more often... but I think I've come up with an idea to solve that... 

Stay tuned for the next blog where I unveil my most brilliant idea ever... (but please don't hold your breath for it, unless you're David Blaine... I prefer to not lose my fans... Not many kitties have an international fan base ya' know... :-) )

~R

Riley Verses The... Resolutions

Ha Ha! Mommy dearest only thought I would make it til the 13th... And *plllllllllsssssssssssss* I made it to January 17th! Boooo- yahhhh! (Yes, granted it IS February 8th that I'm telling you this...) Yeah, boooooyyyy! *Happy Dance* <wiggle, wiggle, punch the air, punch the air>

Alright... perhaps I shouldn't be so excited that I made it only 17 days... but that is still FOUR. DAYS. LONGER. than Ms. "Know-it-all" said I would. I *knew* I could make it longer than just 13 days... and I did! (btw, did you notice the scratch on her nose today? I was having this fabulous dream last night about catnip and warm, soft carpets to roll around on... I rolled, she rolled, her nose got in the way. ^.- ).

As for the rest of the resolutions... well, lets just say they're a work in process...  a labor of love if you will... Mom loves me and I like to entertain her ideas...

When mom actually remembers to fill up my treat chamber of doom, I have managed to (relatively) silently empty it (psss, come in close, I have a secret to tell you... Mom doesn't realize that I can hook my claw under the turn-y thing and swivel it around so that the BIG hole is allowing treats to fall... I just have to remember to turn it back so mom doesn't get suspicious... It was a REALLY close call the other day... But fortunately for me, mom's sister text messaged her while she was picking up the treat ball and Ms. "I-can-multitask-and-only-pay-partial-attention-to-the-15-things-I'm-doing" ended up filling it without realizing she never even opened it! *snicker*).

As for the tripping/launching down the stairs... I have not gotten any sort of blinking lights for my tale, but I do try to get down the stairs while mom makes the bed. It seems to be working for now, claws crossed... but no promises if mom is lazy one morning and doesn't bother making the bed...

And, she is STILL rolling over while she sleeps... it does seem to be kept to a minimum and for the most part, I try to stay under the covers (I live in VERMONT people... even with this "global warming" thing, it is still FAR too cold for me! And have I mentioned that mom doesn't even heat the bedroom? Nope, she has this mattress pad on the bed that she plugs into the wall. It gets toasty warm under the covers, but you pop your head out and icicles start forming on your whiskers... Have you ever sneezed ice cubes??? I have!!! ^.-

And finally, last, but most certainly not least... I have been using my "listening skills" (thank you "mommy-of-the-short one" for a phrase that just never seems to lose funny-ness to my mom) and I will actually stop whining the 418th time mom asks me to stop... Sometimes, on special occasions (like I have food in my mouth or I'm too muffled to be heard under 27 blankets) I even stop BEFORE mom gets to 418! I think that should earn me extra treats or at least "honorary" days for meeting (and EXCEEDING!) my resolutions...

And that's all for now folks... the sun is creeping through the living room window and I better go keep it company before it runs away again...

Still striving...
~R

Riley Verses The... New Year

Wow... 2012... Can you believe it? New Years has a special place in my heart since that's when Mom picked me up from the Inhumane Society and took me home in an itty bitty box... Now I have a house! Woot Woot!

So... without further ado... <drumroll please> my...

New Year's Resolutions!

1. Will bat my torture treat chamber on my own without whining (okay, so this isn't really realistic, but isn't that the point to New Year's Resolutions???)
2. Will not stick my paw up mom's nose while she's sleeping (What? I need to stretch out... Not my fault her big ol' honker is in my way!).
3. Will not trip mom going down the stairs (maybe ebay has some blinky lights I can attach to my tail so mom can SEE me in the dark... geesh)
4. Will not protest (LOUDLY) when she rolls over while she's sleeping and then get my lovely claws stuck in her hair (I wonder if she ever heard of a hairnet? Or maybe she could twisty turvy it into a bun.... Or MAYBE she could just stop freaking rolling over!)
5. And finally... I will obediently listen when mom tells me to "Shut Up" for the 418th time. (Cause I know she really doesn't mean it if she only says it 417 times... She just likes to hear herself *tawk* LOL, did I mention mom's a "New Yawkah?" Bwaaahaahaahaaa)

And that, my loyal fans, is my New Year's Resolutions of 2012... What are yours? And who wants to place bets on how long I last... Mom gives me 'til January 13th...

Riley Verses The... Torture Treat Chamber

The Torture Treat Chamber... Mom is really putting the screws to me now... She thinks I need a diet... that I should *work* for my treats... Maybe I should padlock the fridge and see if she enjoys *working* for her food...    -.^

This is an evil exciting sphere of treat-giving irritation goodness. The idea is to bat it through a window around the room, and allow the treat to naturally fall from an unnaturally small hole the window in the top of the torturous toy. Doesn't that sound like malicious torment fun???

You would not believe the mad skillz I posses to HIDE this sucker (you know, once it is emptied... Darn you tasty-treat-goodness!!!) Because... once it is hidden, and mom cannot find it, she is forced to just hand me my treats! (Thank you Greenies Company for coming out with such fine tasting specimen of extra calories!)

The other day, mom came home with this thing and tricked me... I hear her chirp, "Riley want a treat???" Well, cat-gone it, does the sun rise every morning? Of COURSE I want a treat! So I prance out to the dining room, singing, "Yes I do... oh yes I do... Yes I do!!!" And that is when she hands it to me... the aforementioned chamber of doom... At first, mom would smack it around (yes, yes, I have her well trained... :-D ) and I would follow the treat paved line. Then, she stopped. SHE. STOPPED! Um, hello? If you don't hit the ball-y thing, I do not get treats... <glare> After what seemed an eternity, I finally decided to *pat* *pat* the thing myself... and nothing... <glare> *PAT* *PAT* nothing... *PAAAT* *SMACK* Woo-hoo, pay dirt! One whole treat. What? One? For all that work I get ONE. LOUSY. TREAT???

Okay... if that's how it's going to be... *Ka-pow*  *nom nom nom* *Ka-boom!* *nom nom nom* *Hiiiiiiiiii - yaaaaaa* *nom nom nom*

Aww, look at that... you're now empty... as empty as your dark soul, you devious device of misery... And if you disappear- you will not be a thorn in my side any longer... so... lets see... *grunt* *groan* there you go, under the loveseat with the cobwebs... back to the depths of Dante's inferno.... back you go to your third circle... (Side-note: our esteemed blogger, Riley, unknowingly chose the "gluttony" circle; coincidence???) Goodbye and good ridden! Now to clean these cobwebs off of me...

It was about three days later and I hear Jigsaw (aka mom) demonically hiss, "I want to play a game..." And cat-gone it! It was back! How did mom find it??? She NEVER looks under the loveseat... *hrmph* I didn't want to... but it was filled with TREATS! I couldn't turn my back on it when it was full of crunchy morsels... it needed my help... to empty its bulging belly of delicacies. I could sacrifice a few more moments of my time to smack it to kingdom come, er, inferno come.

This time I hid it MUCH better. So much better in fact, that I am not even telling my loyal readers where I hid it- in case you feel the need to tell my mom... Because so far, she has not been able to locate its whereabouts... She's sent out an APB... Looked under the loveseat, the bench, the tv stand... but alas...

"Oh where oh where did the little toy go? Oh where oh where can it be? With its belly void and empty of treats... oh where oh where is it???"

Hiding and not seeking...
~R

Riley Verses The... Short One... Again

Mom's been hogging the laptop for homework... As if that is more important than my blogging... Where are her priorities!?!?! I mean, seriously! I'm sure if I polled my lovely fans you would all agree with me. Right? RIGHT???

Well, it happened AGAIN.... Mom invited her sister and the diminutive one to MY house again without MY permission... Does she think she owns the place or something???

Fortunately, it was a short visit and mom had them out of the house most of the time... It all happened a couple of months ago...

I'm curled up in my blanket on the couch. Mom is scurrying around washing sheets, cleaning the kitchen and dining room and making up the beds upstairs. I'm mostly sleeping, but keeping an eye on things. Mom never ever cleans without a reason... and it usually means someone is coming over and mom doesn't want to be reported to Hoarders (she's camera shy ya know...)

*A knock at the door*
Mom opens the door to her dad, says, "Hi" and brings him down to the basement to check something. They're back up in a few minutes and mom grabs her bag, tells me to be good and is out the door...

Curious... All that cleaning for a ten minute visit and he never even went upstairs? That's odd... Mom never does any cleaning without a reason...

And the reason showed up about 8 hours later... a short, annoying, little reason... (the only picture of shorty smiling).

Oh yes... they were back. Can you imagine??? I wasn't notified... I wasn't even WARNED! I would have left a "mint" on his pillow (muahhhh ahhhh ahhhh!!!).

Anyway, it was late and we all went to bed... The next morning they all got up and out early... which made me very happy.

They returned around dinner time, but mom was able to keep them outside... hmm... does that make them #OccupySideWalk??? Lets ponder this... while here, they were fed free of charge... a roof over their head free of charge... entertainment options (fortunately, AWAY from home) free of charge... O. M. G! They're part of the 99%... Mom! Mom! Are you reading this??? Are you??? That's it, I'm putting my paw down. THEY. WILL. NOT. BE. ALLOWED. IN. MY. HOUSE. AGAIN!!!! Hrmph! If I have to work my cute little behind off earning my keep (you have no idea the work I have to put into keeping mom happy... constantly purring and keeping her lap warm... following her around, ensuring her safety... constantly letting her know that I was there for her... It's not easy I tell ya... it's not easy...) then so do they!

So, after they left I put on the water (we paid for), brought out the Assam tea (we paid for- if you too would like to have some, Mom got it from www.herbco.com- they even have CATNIP!) and mom and I had a little tea party... ;-)

Still Tea Partying...
~R

Riley Verses The... Work Week

Hello all my adoring fans... I have decided to give you a behind the scenes "day in the life of Riley." I've heard rumors that some people (not you of course...) think I do NOTHING all day long. I've even heard that *some* people think I SLEEP 23 hours a day! And then some people think I must be bored out of my cute little head and need a dog to keep me company... (I know who you are MOM and I *know* where you sleep... muahhhh ahhh ahhhh <rubbing paws together>)

Anyway... a day in my life during the work week...

5:00 am: The alarm goes off, I protest, and snooze is hit with minimal disturbance to me.

5:01 am: Coffee beans begin to be ground; seriously, she's too lazy to hit the "on" button? She has to set the thing to wake me up? Really?

5:09 am: The blasted thing goes off again... Snooze is once again activated... The wafting aroma of coffee fills my nostrils...

5:18 am: And she's up. I protest LOUDLY and she shush's me. >^-< (that's my, "are you serious???" glare).

5:19 am: I trip her getting off the bed- doesn't she watch where she's going???

5:20 am: Sitting on the rug, impatiently waiting for her to turn off the fan, close the window and unplug the fan.

Still 5:20 am: Stop halfway down the stairs because I think I forgot to tuck in my mousey-toy... and nearly get launched through the front door. Geesh, she didn't see me *stop*!?!?!?!?

5:21 am: Coffee is poured; half and half splashed in and around the cup; spoon full of sugar loudly clanging as she stirs.... *sluuuuuu-uuuurp* I of course, am still sitting next to my day old water and empty food dish... No no... enjoy your cup of coffee as I starve and play the odds that I won't get malaria and/or dengue from this stagnant water... <paw to forehead... swaying a little>

5:25 am: FINALLY getting some attention... Exactly 1/2 cup of crunchy goodness (not a kibble more!) and one fresh dish of good old city water (don't knock it! Mom tried giving me that bottled stuff... *blech* No thank you, tap water for me; on the rocks! Just like my mom!)! 

5:32 am: I drag my sock ( you remember me telling you about them, right? I kept stealing mom's socks, so she finally gave me a pair of my own.) over to my dish and cover it over... I suspect another cat is in the house and I am hiding it from him/her... I only see him/her when mom picks me up in the bathroom... That's the only time I see mom's twin too... I look for her when mom goes to work...even looking in the bathroom "window," but I only see that other dashing cat! I tell him that it's my house, but would you believe he mimics me! MIMICS ME!!! Meows in my face and even paws at my devastatingly handsome good looks! Fortunately, he misses and then disappears as I jump off the sink.

5:45 am: I curl up on mom's lap as she slurps down another cup of java and catches up on her tweetering twits er, tweeter twittings, um the NEWS!

6:30 am: I get dumped on the floor as she gets up to get ready for work. I head to my bed (MY bed. In MY bedroom. On MY blanket. Not to be confused with mom's bedroom) and fall asleep on my soft, pretty, pink (yet a masculine pink!) blanket.

7:40 am: She is off and running and tells me to be good. >^.-< 

8:00 am: Mosey back down the stairs to munch on some crunchy goodness.

8:13 am: I hop up on the dining room chair, turn on the laptop and catch up on the news... In case you're wondering, I check out these sites:
i can has cheezburger
lol cats
Cat info

And in case anyone wants to buy yours truly a gift... I've had my eye on this:
Lol Cat Bible

9:27 am: Where does the time go? <streeeeeeetch> Okay, I need to work on my blog. I know my peeps are waiting for my next installment with bated breath!

9:30 am: <tap tap tap> Hmm... what interesting tidbit of my life to write about next... <bzzzzzzzz> It's a FLY! Must keep the house fly free. Que mission impossible music. <dun dun dun dun dun dun nar nar nar> Now, obviously this isn't a picture of me... but since my photographer (mom) is at work... here's what I would look like...

Okay... now I might have missed on my first Hiiiiiiiiiiii-yaaaaaa! So, I tried again...

I have succeeded. The fly is now a snack. nom nom nom.

11:42 am: After a quick cat nap (I slay me!), I patrol the perimeter.
Living room: all clear
Dining room: all clear
Kitchen: all clear
Bathroom: woah, litterbox needs to be cleaned, but miraculously all clear
Spare Bedroom: all clear
Foyer: all clear
Mom's bedroom: all clear
My bedroom: *INTRUDER ALERT* *INTRUDER ALERT*

Oh no he didn't! I've seen this guy before...

So... I snuck up on him... <tippy toes... tippy toes...> with my mad ninja skillz... Looks like I gave him a squirrelly heart attack... tee hee hee....

Mission accomplished- Squirrel is no longer a threat!
My bedroom: all clear!

12:37 pm: I head back down the stairs and stake out the living room... I curl up on the fluffy, purple blanket (people, I don't shop for myself... that dingbat seems to like girly colors... ) and decide to rest my eyes for a moment...

2:30 pm: *CLANG* *BANG* I awake with a start! er, I mean, I am of course locked on and ready to go... I spring to the window to find none other than the same stranger putting something in the metal box attached to the house... OMG IT'S A BOMB! HIDE YOUR KIDS!!! HIDE YOUR WIFE!!! Wait <scratching head>, where have I heard that before???

Oh man... that makes me LOLz every time!!

4:50 pm: Wow, really? It's nearly 5:00 pm? Did I really just surf youtube videos for nearly 2 and a half hours? My sides hurt from LMAO, so maybe I have! Quick shut the computer down... Get off the dining room table... Pretend to have just gotten up and greet mom at the door....

5:00 pm: MEOW! Hi Mom... and how was your day... that's nice...Oh no... everything quiet on the home front... "Riley, GET out from under my feet!" Ah the gratitude... Can you feel the love???

5:05 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:06 pm: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

5:07 pm: "Alright alright... I'm getting your dinner oh starving one... Like you did anything today to work up an appetite... Does sleeping really burn that many calories???  If so, I'm going to start sleeping more! Here you go... Dinner is served... Yes, Riley, it's turkey... <eye roll>"

5:14 pm: I'm chillax' while mom cooks her dinner and does her thing...

And that folks... is a day in the life of Ninja Riley...

AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YAAAAAAAAAAAA
~R

Riley Verses The... Strange Sight

'Twas the Day Before Sunday...

'Twas the day before Sunday....
The alarm did ring.
The coffee began brewing...
The birds outside sing.

Mom swings her legs off,
Of the bed and stands up.
As per the morning custom,
I trip her up

She regains her balance
And slowly descends
Careful to not kick
Me (as she really intends).

Pours herself a cup
Of coffee, sugar and cream
I circle around
My dish is empty it seems

As she dumped food in my bowl
I happened to see
Four hooves and a tail
Galloping up Bassett Street

A deer? On the road????
Now that doesn't seem right...
I will rub my eyes...
And look again in better light...

Holy smokes it's a deer!
Quick get my arrows and bow
Venison for dinner!
Oh wait... it's a doe...

And I hear her exclaim
As she trots out of sight
Nanny nanny poo poo *sppppttth*
You can't have a bite!