Riley Verses The... Evolution of Darwin

So... I was googling and binging the other day (while mom was at work- she hogs the laptop when she's home) and I came across this fascinating article on what can only be my relatives...

Riley's ancestors - seen here!!!

I mean, I think it's no coincidence that I love wheat products... goldfish crackers, pita chips, wheat thins... It's in my ancient blood to eat plants!

See mom! This is why I do not eat fish! My ancestors were herbivores. :-)

Plant-munching,
~R

Riley Verses The... Visitors

Okay... well lets just say that it was OBVIOUS that *something* was up. I should warn you, if you're not sitting down, you might want to. Mom was (drum roll please....) CLEANING! I know! Now aren't you glad you were sitting down! It wasn't just her usual pick-this-up-and-pile-it-there "cleaning"... She actually got the vacuum monster out... and actually CLEANED! I was very confused... I had never seen her do this before and I had been with her for about a year and a half now (it's roughly the summer of 2010).

Anyway... the "reason" for all this cleaning finally arrives... in a MINIVAN! What the? I watch through the window as my mom stands outside waving as the MINIVAN pulls in... And out steps this taller human. Okay... one person, I can deal with that... Then the back door opens and out pops another human, about the same height as mom... Okay... two people... I can deal with...

WHAT? WAIT... No, no one authorized this... I'm pretty sure in my adoption papers this was STRICTLY forbidden actually... I'll have to run upstairs and dig those out.. this is UNACCEPTABLE! It's a midget! A short person! Someone who does NOT have to bend at the waist to pull my tail... He is so not coming into this house. *stomp*

So, as they marched in, single file, I waited for shorty... and as soon as he walked in, *BAM*, a 1-2 PUSH! Right back out the door. <and the crowd goes wild!> "Riley, what are you doing? Let Noah in"

The cretin has a name??? And she's allowing him in? This is a "kids free" zone... as in, NO KIDS! According to Riley's Adoption paperwork, Section B, Part 5, "Thou shall not allow children (or anyone under 5 feet tall) to enter said premises (aka HOME) for ANY reason. IF, this rule is broken by the adoptee, the adopted party <THAT'S ME!> will not and cannot be held responsible for his actions."

Okay, you're allowing him in <rubs paws together> "Bring it!"

Since I had to come up with a game plan (this was not in my play book since I never ever thought mom would actually let a little person in MY house), I ran upstairs to mastermind my strategy...

After a few hours of calculations, schematics, and pencil sharpening, I knew I had a winner. Let the games begin wee one... oh yes... let the games begin...

The Next Day
I slept pretty soundly, considering I *knew* there was evil lurking in the house... The next morning, mom got up and began to get ready for work. "Mom, you can't go to work, you have to take the day off. You CANNOT leave me here with them!"
"Riley, shush, they're sleeping still.. you'll wake them up"
"But MOM! You CANNOT leave me alone with them!"
"SHHHHHH"
"But..."
"Do you want me to feed you to the raccoons? Is that what you want? Riley, shut - UP!"

<glare>
"Fine, be that way... just remember, I can't be held responsible for my actions... if mini-Satan meets his demise, well, let's just say I warned you!"
"Ri- ley. Shush!"

I sulked off to lie in my sun beam upstairs.

I must have dozed off because the next thing I knew a football team had started playing defense in the living room... Confused, I ran downstairs to find the dwarf playing with MY TOYS! MY TOYS! Okay, so I don't play with them... but they're MINE and he can't play with them. I chase after the mousey he threw, grabbed it and tried to take off...

"ME-OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" That was my tail! I think it's broke, he must have separated it from my spine... the pain... the pain!!! I open one of my clenched eyes to see that no one saw my performance other than the diminutive one and he was NOT showing any empathy. Okay fine, he didn't pull my tail all that hard, he actually only brushed it... but this COULD have been a disaster. I'm just sayin'

So, the pint-sized person is standing there and staring down at me, he reaches down... to pull my tail? grab my ear? Oh no he won't! And in a flash, I'm on up my hind legs and 1-2 PUSH! And down the munchkin goes! "Float like a butterfly <hop> <hop> Sting like a bee!" Buzzzzzzzz my little friend... BUZZZZZZZ!

The Score:
Riley 1
Pee Wee O

And then the big human comes in and says, "Aww, how cute... you're playing with Riley... Okay, Noah, come on and get in the shower- we're going to head out for the day."
They're leaving! Do a little jig! Happy Dance! Goooooood-bye puny one!

 *stretch* *yawn*

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya. And don't bother waking me- you can see yourself out!"

I mean, I knew I was good... but darn, I'm gooooood... they didn't even last 24 hours with me... Yeah boy, see-ya!

Smugly content,
~R

Riley Verses The... Big Disappointment

I know I've been going back in time for all you cyber readers to catch you up on my life... but Friday was my birthday... my real birthday... want to guess who practically forgot???

My MOM! That's who. She picks the date, April 1st (ha ha, who's the fool now???) and then all I get is my dinner (late may I add!) and some pita chips since she said she was too tired to go to the store. No balloons, no new micey toys, no new shoelaces... nothing... a big old nothing. 10 years old and nothing to show for it.

I gave her something though... My birthday and I gave her a "gift." Have you seen her hand? That lovely angry red gash across the back of her hand? Oh yes, that was me... a warning swipe. And if she forgets my birthday again... I'm inviting that Jigsaw guy over... I heard he would "play a game" with her... and teach her a lesson.

Plotting,
~R

Riley Verses The... 10th Year

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

For all of those out there in cyber kitty world that might not be aware of the significance of this day...

It's my BIRTHDAY!!! Oh, yeah, baby... MY birthday... I am 10 years old in human years today... Please forward all presents to Riley in c/o his mom. I like goldfish crackers, shoelaces, pita garlic chips, triscuits and wheat thins (just to give you an idea- I know I can be hard to shop for).

As for me, I know my mom has something HUGE planned for me... She pretended to leave for work today her regular time and even told me that she had to work late for some weekend work thing... as if she would desert me on my birthday... Oh no... she will bring me dessert! She'll be home soon, I'm sure... with presents and shoelaces... and cheddar cheese goldfish crackers... I'll just sit here and wait for her... *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*

Happy Birthday to me......
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!
Happy Birthday dear wonderful meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
Happy Birthday to me!!!

The birthday boy!
~R

Riley Verses The... Great Flood of 2010

After the mous-capades (there were a few other adventures in Disney World Vermont, but nothing post-worthy), the next big event in my life was the flood. Now, let me remind you... I am an INSIDE cat... So, yes, it flooded INSIDE!!!

Now, you also may recall I'm a *cat* and therefore suffer from aquaphobia...

Let me start at the beginning...

It was really noisy outside the night before the flood. Mom said it was very windy. To me it sounded like dogs howling- but what do I know? I crawled under the covers and made sure my head was under them to block out the howling... What a racket!

The next morning was dreary... no sunbeams to lounge in and then the raindrops... drizzling at first... then pounding the windows... I crawled under the blankets and covered my ears... Then the raindrops sounded closer... I thought I was dreaming... No mom to pinch, so I opened an eye... OMG I'm BLIND!!! I can't see.... I... CAN'T... S... Uh, he he... I'm under the blankets... my bad... so I pop my head out and sure enough, my vision has returned! It's a miracle! Hallelujah, praise Tac!

I jump down to investigate and *splash*! I've been hit! <clutching heart> OMG, I'VE BEEN HIT... I'm feeling faint... Must. Get. Away. From. Water. I'm MELTING... Oh, someone help me... *SPLASH* AHHHHHHHHHHH

Okay, so maybe I ran away like a little "scared kitteh" but it's WATER! It burns... oh it burns...

But I gathered my courage up (once I found it that is- would you believe it was hiding under the couch? ) and creeped up the stairs. I slowly eased my head around the corner and sure enough, there were still big splashes of rain coming in... Oh dear... what if the whole house floods before mom gets here??? Must. get. to. higher. ground. I ran into the other bedroom, to the bed mom put up on 6 inch risers (she said she needed more room for her boxed junk, er, stuff). I just curled up onto the stack of blankets and fell asleep... I WAS pretty exhausted from saving myself from near drowning.

Well, sometime later, mom finally came back home from work. I met her at the door and started right in, "MOM, the house is flooding! Save me! Save my food! Save my bed! SAVE ME!"
"What do you WANT Riley?"
"The HOUSE IS FLOODING!!! Grab your goloshes- you're going to start sloshing!
"Stop MEOWiNG Riley- I don't understand what you want. If you were Lassie you could show me; however, you're a cat- so you'll just complain instead. I'll feed you as fast as I can.... Holy cow there is a puddle in the kitchen! This is a two story house. Oh this is bad... very very bad..."

Well, mom took the stairs two at a time with me tagging behind... No water in the foyer... but quite the lake had formed in the bedroom... Mom kept mumbling, "oh no oh no oh no...

I stood off to the side, smugly, since I *tried* to tell her of this latest catastraphe. She should really learn to listen to me... "Murrrrowwwwww"
She stepped on my TAIL!

"Sorry Riley" as she sprinted by.

I followed her to the other bedroom and she stacked some boxes in the closet and then disappeared! She abandoned me to deal with the flood as she got to higher ground? That chicken-liver! "YOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLL" "YOOOOOOOWWWWWWWLLLLLL"
"Riley, SHUT UP!"

And down she comes from the hole in the ceiling... just missing my tail, AGAIN! She grabbed a bucket; shoved it through the ceiling hole and she was gone again... <tap tap tap> I patiently waited... 1 mousey toy... 2 mousey toy... 3 mousey toy.......... 20 mousey toy... 21 mousey toy and here comes mom again... She ran back downstairs to the kitchen.. "Careful mom, there's no "wet floor" sign down there"
"SHUT- UP RILEY!!!"

Geesh, I was just trying to help... She ran back upstairs with a pot... ran back down empty handed... and then put a pot where it was raining in the kitchen... Then she finally took off her jacket and sat down.

"I know this is a bad time and all... but you haven't fed me yet... I understand, you had to get rid of the icky water.... but now you're not doing anything, so I would appreciate my bowl being filled. Please. I said please, you're NOT moving... HELLLLLOOOOOOOO"
"If you don't shut up, I'm going to feed you to the raccoons Riley"
"Okay, so now is not good either.... you just let me know" and I wandered into the living room... at least it was dry in there... About two centuries pass and I finally hear the familiar tapping noise of my bowl being filled....

By the time we got to bed that night, the dripping had stopped in the bedroom... but we could still here the... *drip* *drip* *drip* from the kitchen... Mom mumbled that she hoped it would stop soon and I drifted off to sleep to the rhythmic beat of the waterfall below...

Surprisingly dry...
~R

Riley Verses The... Same Mouse

After two weary evenings of chasing this toy around the kitchen, I finally take a break to sit on a warm lap...  Unfortunately, said lap is shoved under the dining room table and I'm not sure my "big boned" frame will fit there... So I start circling... Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom "WHAT?" "Um, you see, I would like to sit on your lap and there is a table in the way... if you could just back up a bit, I'm sure you can still see what you're doing..." So, mom, even though she talks that gibberish language, appears to understand and backs up.  I promptly jump into her lap and lick the back of her hand, indicating she's been a good girl. No sooner do I shut my eyes, that stupid little box she insists on talking into makes a horrendous noise.  She gets up, obviously forgetting that I was sitting there too (and quite comfortable may I add...) As she yaks and yaks, she sits down on the stairs, so I mosey up a little further and sit on the stair so I can see over her head... I read somewhere that to maintain dominance, you should always be ABOVE your servants. And I begin to doze... I couldn't have been asleep for more than 5 minutes before all of a sudden I'm flying through the air in to the kitchen, What the??? I of course land on all 4's and glare accusingly at mom, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? And she's ranting on and on about something, but isn't she always? So I pay no attention and walk back to my place on the stairs... She is now pacing and considering her tone, I'm sure she is complaining about me again... But what can you expect from the help? And again, I'm tossed in the kitchen... Now I'm getting a bit annoyed, so I stand there, without looking around just having a staring contest with mom... perhaps if I can telepathically send her a message.... think think think... "I.... am..... tired... and .... want.... to .... sleeeeeeeep!!! Stop... tossing.... me.... into.... the.... kitchen...." Now I'll just sit here and see if she got it... She stalks off, so perhaps I had a breakthrough! *stretch* *yawn* Was that a noise??? Was that a tail??? In a single bound I'm across the kitchen checking it out... Sure enough there is a tail... just.... out..... of.... reach... I will sit here and wait... about ten min. later, the toy comes shooting out from behind the stove... I chase it around the kitchen... darn, behind the stove again. That's fine, I'll wait. And slowly it creeps back out, while I lie there statusque, just like my Egyptian ancestors immortally carved into the walls of caves. Now they knew how to treat a Siamese- yes like royalty unlike my own human counterpart... Um, what happened to the mouse? He was just here a second ago... OOH, he's across the room! So, I run across the room, the mouse runs underneath me and I pounce just as he dashes in between the cabinets... I stick my paw in for good measure, but know I don't have a hope of grabbing him... so I jump to the side and like a mighty lion, silently stalk my prey; I wait... Then mom comes in; she might as well have been playing the drums with how much noise she makes just walking across the room... I glare at her as grabs this light thing and shines it in the cabinet space... She yells something at me as she makes a mad dash upstairs... Next thing I know she has the vacuum monster in the kitchen. Um, hello, what are you doing? I have the mouse where I want him... do you understand the strategies I deployed to get him there? I am a strategic mastermind! And you bring down the vacuum monster? NOW you're going to clean the dust bunnies? Now??? You've waited months, couldn't this wait another day? hour? Woah, she's turned it on... and with a single leap I was in the dining room... I hear her mumbling over the ROAR of the beast, "just a little bit closer... just a little bit closer... a little..." *SWOOSH* *THUNK* "AHA! " Mom yells...  I come running in as she's dancing with the ungodly savage, pulling it's weird vacuum monster tail thing up in the air, tapping it... I think she's lost her mind. She finally turns the monster noise off and runs out on the back deck with it... She's back inside in a moment grabbing a pot of water and the garbage pail... From the table, where I know I'm not supposed to be, I peek outside... she's disassembling the beast, pulling out it's stomach, Goo mommy goooo mommy... kill the monster... kill the monster... and then she folds his stomach, puts in the garbage pail and dumps water on it... Woah, watch out here she comes again... She grabs the brick from the bathroom and puts that in the garbage pail too... Maybe the stomach was still hungry? And she's back inside grabbing some sort of greasy substance, looks like a picture of an olive, maybe? And she's sprinkling it around the edge... bet that'll be slippery and that stomach won't be able to escape... she's not such a dumb animal after all! She comes back in and plops back down at the dining room table... again creating an uninhabitable lap space... *sigh* She's so hard to teach anything; you'd think she had a mind of her own... Right before I fell off to sleep, I heard her mumble,

Adoption fee: $90.00
Monthly food: $20.00
His ability to kill a mouse: missing...

Vacuum cleaner: $10.00 at a thrift store
Vacuum bag: $0.50 at a thrift store
The satisfying *swoosh* *thunk* of cornering Mickey: PRICELESS

And that folks, is what really happened...

Riley Verses The... Mouse

So…. I don’t know what all the commotion was about, but since I’m getting a bad rep, I wanted to put my side of the story out there…

On a cool October evening in 2009, I strolled down for my pre-midnight snack. (That stingy mom of mine rations my food - thinks I’m getting chubby. I told her I was just growing into my fur, but as usual she doesn’t listen and tells me to be quiet.) As I was slowly chewing the last few tidbits in my bowl, my big Siamese ears detected a noise coming from the kitchen. I heard it that morning around the fridge, but even with that big stick mom was shoving under the fridge nothing but dust bunnies came out.  Perhaps if she cleaned more often, we wouldn’t have so many bunnies…  As I was saying, ahem, I heard a noise that mom was obviously oblivious to. I called to her, but the light was out and she pretended to not hear me; figures. Being the loyal companion that I am, I staked the joint out… I would show her that I wasn’t fat and useless… so I waited… and waited… and waited… I might have dozed at some point, but I was sacrificing … no warm bed… no covers to snuggle under… geesh… you’d think she would come down to see if I was okay… but NOOOO… just sleeping the night away like she has nothing better to do… Hmmph… Wait, what was that? I think I saw something… AHA! I found the source of the noise! It’s a little thing… like those toys I never play with, only a little bigger… 1 *wiggle*….. 2 *wiggle*……2 ½ *wiggle wiggle*…………….. 3! *Pounce* Darn missed… *POUNCE* I got you- you wascally mousey toy… <shake> <shake> Hmm… didn’t rattle like my toys… I think it’s broken…  so, I brought it up to mom to see if she could fix it… La deee da… Ooh, better be careful… I don’t want any tooth marks on it or she’ll yell at me for being too rough with my toys again… last time all the stuffing and the rattle came out… I tippy-toed up the stairs as quiet as a mouse… he he he… she’ll find that funny, I’ll have to tell her… Up on the bed, ooh her eyes opened… I have to tell her the hilarious thing I said… lets just drop this here… Woah, what happened? Why is mom in the other room now? Why is she yelling at me?  Um.. but… I said the funniest thing! Darn it got away… now how will she fix the rattle? Wait, where did mom go now? Yoooooo hoooooo??? I have a very funny story to tell you… where did you go??? Oh there she is… coming up the stairs with that stick... Anyway… as I was saying... I was heading up the stairs real quiet like see, and I said, "I’ll tippy-toe up the stairs as quiet as a mouse…!" Ha ha ha ha… Get it? I had a mouse… quiet as a mouse?  Why aren’t you laughing? It’s funny! Boy sometimes she’s dense… Are you even listening? Why are you after my toy? What are you doing? It’s just a toy… and the rattle is broken… we can just throw it away… Alright alright… I’ll look for it… stop your yelling… What are you doing with that broom? I told you I’m looking… I think it went under the bed… I’ll sneak up on it again… La dee daaaa… HOLY MOLEY! (Holy mousy???) What was that??? <insert large scary mouse shadow here>

Okay, she’s on her own… I’m going downstairs to see if there are any other toys she hasn’t picked up… maybe she should get a housekeeper since she’s obviously not Martha Stewart…

Woah, why is she bringing me upstairs? Didn’t she see that mouse???? (I saw it under the bed and it's HUGE! And SCARY!) I’m outta here… I’ll look later... maybe… but I doubt it… I lost a lot of sleep last night… I think I’ll take a nap… have a good day at work mom… *snore* *snore*

And that is what happened… What did she tell you happened???