Riley Verses The... New House (Part II of III)

Okay, so I have a room (and when I say room, I mean bed, food dish and bathroom in an itty-bitty "living" space)... But... mom never leaves me for more than a day or so; I'm sure she'll be back soon... The lady that lives downstairs- she seems okay. She disregarded mom telling her, "only 1/2 cup of dry food for Mr Porky-butt." She fills that measuring cup to the top! No rationing in this house... Yet ironic that I'm in the attic, right? Well, she pet me and talked to me for a few minutes and then went back to her dogs. She smells like them, who wants to talk to a dog-smelling human  anyway... Mom will come get me soon...

Okay... so it's day 2... No sign of mom, but I sit on the bed and watch for her... And every morning and evening the lady comes up and feeds me... I think the lady has been feeding me more to fatten me up to become a treat for her four dogs... What she doesn't know is I've caught on to her devious plot, so I hide some of the food under the bed... It's a win-win situation... she thinks I'm eating and I'm instead hoarding in case she changes her mind and stops feeding me... I know, I'm not the "avvvv-er-age cat!"

III
I have begun scratching the days in the wall behind a box (I wonder if this lady is related to my mom or she just likes boxes too?). Day three... I have been deserted... being held hostage in a tiny cell by a lady trying to fatten me up... Geez, if she knew I wrote, this would sound like a Stephen King novel... <shiver> I'm glad she doesn't look like Kathy Bates!

IIII
Solitary confinement... I'm going to go crazy in here I tell ya... my catnapper (formerly known as "the lady") only comes up to feed me. I try to stay quiet to not upset the dogs, but it's hard... I pretend I like her, but I am hoping to stay on her good side... I'm not relishing the idea of being torn limb from limb.

IIIII
Day 5... A hostage... deserted by the only mom I've ever loved... suckered into believing that I too would be moving to a big new house... but *sigh* alas... my geriatric years will be spent with catnappers and dogs.... Wait, maybe I died and mom was right... maybe if I did lick her hand one more time the devil would take my soul... I'm SO WEAK! The temptation... it was just. too. great... I couldn't help myself! I have been banished to one of the nine circles (nine lives.. nine circles... curious)  Dante so eloquently described! Curse you Dante! Curse you mom... *sniff*

IIIIII
An eternity has passed since I have last seen my beloved mom... I dream she's calling me but can't get by the ferocious hounds to rescue me... I uncurl my tail out the window for her to climb up, but curses, my tail is not as long as I thought... *sniff* *sniff* Well, I guess it's time for my last resort...

Dear God... it's me Riley... I promise to never lick mom's hand again... EVER! I promise not get under her feet... And I promise I'll never ask you for anything ever again... If... well... you just BRING. BACK. MOM! Please... I've been good... today... and I really promise to never ever ask for anything ever again...

Hail mary and all that jazz... (Anyone have any rosemary beads I can kiss?) Also... send rosemary beads... Er... I mean, nevermind... Just send mom... with rosemary beads?

IIIIIII
An entire eon has passed... I am whithering away to skin and bones... I have a pale complexion... I can barely lift my head off my fluffed pillow to even look out the windows... Oh great... and now I'm hearing things... This must be the last step before I walk into the great white light... At least... I'm hearing mom's voice... so I guess I'll go happy... Goodbye Mom... goodbye... may you enjoy your big house all by yourself... no one to greet you at the door (you know, if you had a dog).... no one to care if you got out of work on time... (it's AFTER 5 pm missy, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? My food dish doesn't fill itself!)

Hallucinations... now I see mom... maybe mom is the white light.. okay... I'll walk to her... and enter the other *klunk* Mom's legs are awfully hard to walk through... I need to cross over... Isn't that John guy going to be there to greet me???

Ooh, flying through the air... Wait, MOM picked me up! Mom is real... wait let me pinch HER to make sure... "OUCH!  Riley! What did you do that for?"

She's real! Wooo hoooo she is REAL! She will take me out of this circle of inferno! Goodbye lady... goodbye stinky beasts....

We're in the car... on the way... Mom has me out of the box and I sit on her lap... Hmm... her hand looks pretty tasty... Must. Not. Lick... *Slurp!*

"Stop it, or I will throw you right out the window of this car!"

It's good to be home...
~R

P.S. Dear God...I'm guessing you really didn't have anything to do with mom coming back for me... I knew she would... :-P so yeah, everything I said, "fuggget-about-it." And keep the rosebud beads... I won't be needing them afterall.

Riley Verses The... New House (Part I of III)

Can anybody explain to me WHY on earth every time mom says, "We need more room to stretch your kangaroo legs..." I end up in a smaller space? Anyone? Really? I knew you were all thinking, "Oh boy, Riley is getting a new house... that sounds bigger than a one bedroom apt! Yay for Riley!" But NO... I'll tell you my 'tale' of woe...

It all began back in the early spring of 2009... Mom started bringing home all these empty boxes... "FINALLY!" I thought... She is FINALLY going to get rid of some of her worthless junk that takes room away from me... :-D Then she sits down and tells me that she found this house... she knew I would love it- more windows, more room, more heating vents... (and more mice, but she was unaware of that "more") Wow... more room... more heat... more windows and sunbeams... I am in cat-heaven! When do we leave? I'll have my bag packed in a moment! Okay... I'm ready- let's GO!

But, we didn't leave as quickly as I thought we would... nope, not at all... Instead, every day mom would pack up a couple of boxes and take more precious square footage of sunbeamage from me. Then one day, finally, she started hauling all the boxes out... It's about time- time to move to the HOUSE! Woo hoo! But, no, she was just storing the boxes elsewhere, because as soon as they were gone, she started replacing them with more boxes... For one person, she has a lot of JUNK! I should have gotten her an organizing service for Christmas to help her purge some of this junk... Seriously, do you really think she's going to use 200 pounds of yarn in her lifetime???

Anyway, no need to bore you with all the details that bored me... So, moving day finally arrives... Yes! More room to run around! So, mom puts me in my itty bitty tiny box and we're on our way to our new house! And we're driving and driving and driving and driving... Didn't she say the house was near the apt? Did she get lost? I start complaining and she tells me to be quiet... And FINALLY, the car comes to a stop... Wow, smell that fresh air, we must have gone straight up a mountain to get out of the stench of downtown... I cannot wait to stretch. my. legs! Wait, what is that sound? Is that a dog? There is a dog at MY new house? Holy cow, make that DOGS at MY new house! What is this treachery??? And for heaven's sake, WHO LET THE DOGS OUT????

Shhhh*** I'm in the house... with the dogs... I see the dogs... a white dog... a black dog... a reddish and white dog... and a short little tan one....I am going to become a scooby snack... I have to go now... I need to hide... please wish me luck...

In hiding,
~R

Riley Verses The... Nightmare

Days turned into weeks... Weeks into months... And mom and I settled into a routine. I took pity on her furless self and allowed her to share the bed with me... even *under* the covers  (though my allergist advised me not to, but I could only take her whining at the door for so long... she was just so pathetic).

Then one evening in early spring, I had a horrible nightmare! In this terrible dream I was swimming (I know!) and trying to catch salmon (hmm, I wonder where this one originated from??? Mom? Any guesses??? ^.-)! I was kicking and kicking and kicking and ... OUCH! Something bit me my toe! And nearly simultaneously, "OOOOOOWWWWW" Wait, that wasn't me... that was mom! Did something bite her too? I was suddenly flooded in light, the air temperature dropped about 30 degrees as the covers flew to the ground, so I jumped off the bed! Mom yelled for me to come back... so I sulked back to find her holding her arm, this red stuff trickling down to her wrist...  I jump up to allow her to pet me and she gasped! Before I knew it I was in the bathroom with warm water (water people! Coincidence??? I think not!) running over my paw. I tried to fight her in protest, but even wounded she's stronger than me... She mumbled to herself, "darn it darn it darn it darn it!!! Please stop bleeding!!!" I glance over at her arm between yowls and see that it HAD stopped bleeding... "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" "Mom" But she pretended to not understand... finally the blessed water turned off and she wrapped me up in a cocoon of towel. I'm guessing it's about 3 am, so off to bed we would go. I'll forgive her for nearly drowning me.... Wait, what is she doing? Rummaging through the pantry at 3 am? Really mom? You're going to bake a cake now? Do you really think you need, the ahem, CALORIES? While I tried to tactfully tell her that refraining from sugary goodness in the middle of the night is the right thing to do (at the very least, for her hips alone...) , she shoved my paw into a palm-full of white stuff! Any chemistry majors out there? What happens when you take a wet paw, shove it in a white organic powder (later to be determined; corn starch) and then wave it around like I'm conducting the Philharmonic??? That's right people... I put a little, itty bitty, teensy weensy hole in her arm and she's fitting me with CE-MENT. SHOES!!! I've watched the Catfather... I know what happens next... Bada-bing- I'm sinking to the bottom of the river... But then she brings me back to bed... I suppose she's too lazy to bring me there now... I mean, geesh... she must have burned 3.4 calories nearly drowning me.... she's probably pooped!

As she began to snore ("I do not snore Riley" I know! I'm using my literary license... you told the world I snore! "But you do!" Well, now you do too! :-P), I slipped off the bed looking for a piece of paper and a crayon... Since I was a goner, I would like to write my last yowl and testament..

To Whom it May  Concern:
I, Riley, of sound mind would like to disperse of my worldly goods as I will no longer need them in heaven... I leave all of the un-played catnip mice to my successor- may you have more luck with this crazy loon than I... I leave all my barely played with fuzzy balls to the vacuum cleaner- since it took them from me in life anyway... And well... I leave my socks to Mom- since they really were hers to begin with... Mom, you might want to sit down... but there is no sock monster in the washing machine... I helped myself to your clean laundry basket (perhaps if you could put stuff away sooner, this wouldn't have happened... you really only have yourself to blame *tsk *tsk) and I took one of each of your socks I could find... I, of course, wouldn't take both of them... I'm not greedy... however, I have left them behind the sofa cushion. I was going to leave them behind the vacuum cleaner since you never go near that, but that would mean, every time I wanted them, *I* would have had to go near the vacuum. No thank you. So.... I leave my vast sock collection to my mom... And with that... good bye world... It's been great while it lasted...

And, the next morning, as predicted... I was shoved into my tiny little box and taken for a ride... We passed a few bridges, but I guess none of them were good enough for her... We drove about 50 minutes and finally she stopped... The end of the line... I wasn't even offered a last meal??? She grabbed my box and brought me inside somewhere? Wait, I knew that smell? I was at the VET'S OFFICE! Oh man, this was worse than cement shoes and the attempted drowning... The vet lady checked out my paw- probably trying to determine what bit me and it was then that I noticed my little talon was dangling... :-O DANGLING! They are NOT accessories! They're not supposed to dangle! Maybe I was tortured for information? But... wait a minute.. was I "water-boarded" last night??? Is that why my claw... my precious, dangerous, claw is DANGLING? Do I have information the humans want??? "What are you doing with that needle vet lady???" Ooh, I'm getting sleepy... *snore* *snore*

Oh no! I've been brought back to the inhumane shelter... Why don't they just complete the look and put me in stripes??? Maybe a tin cup to run along the steel bars that hold me hostage... As I was just about to feel sorry for myself, some kind soul came by and released me... *darn it* back into the smaller box... Wait, mom must be here then!!! :-D And as we rounded the counter, there she was... I'd know that corduroy from anywhere... I tried to hug her through the bars and it was then that I realized... I had a cast on! I couldn't feel my paw... did they remove it? And leave me with this pink hideous cast? Did mom forget to tell them I 'm a BOY!?!?!? And if they didn't remove this ugly pinkness... I couldn't get to my dangling claw... I couldn't lick it better... I was going to get gangrene and they're going to take my whole arm! I'll be called "Hop Along Riley" Oh, how humiliating!!! How could she do this to me??? Water-boarding... my claw nearly ripped off... now potential gangrene... what next? Is she going to try to neuter me??? GASP!!! O. M. G!!! I'm too late! No wonder I have a pink cast!

Good night cruel world... good night... Tomorrow I'm going to find that river and throw myself into it...

Missing... pieces of me...
~R

Riley Verses The... Vacuum Cleaner

Well, as the title suggests... I "met" the vacuum cleaner. It was NOT a "how do you do? I'm fine, thanks for asking. Would you like a saucer of cream?" moment. It was more of a, "what the???? Why are you GROWLING at me? *swat* *swat* Don't get any closer... I'll... I'll... I'll... RUN!!!" And I'm a bit ashamed to admit it, but I ran... like a prissy, little belladonna... oh yes, I ran... mad dash to the bedroom... and well... under the bed. Okay... okay... I know what you're thinking... how can this big, strong, cat be afraid of a vacuum cleaner??? Well... it was loud! And it came straight. At. Me. Mom had pushed it away from her (I think she was afraid too- I've only seen her go near it a couple of times since I've known her!!!) right at me and I took off (after a few good swats of course- I was about to go for the KO, but then all of a sudden it stopped and went back towards mom!). Okay, I *should* have protected mom from the beast, but I had already started running. Do you have any idea of the amount of skid-dage I would have gotten across hardwood floors if I tried to stop while doing mach 3 around the corner? I would have easily gone through the bedroom wall... And I was only thinking of mom and how much it would cost to fill in the hole... Not to mention the firemen who would have been called to get me out of the tree I would have inevitably landed in... So, as you can see... I was really just looking out for mom's financial well-being. :-D The sacrifices I'm willing to make... I'm sure when my nine-lives are up I'll be known as "St. Riley of Barre," Saint of Sacrifices....


Until next time...


*Grrrrrrrr*(sorry if I scared you- I was mimicking the vacuum...)
~R

Riley Verses The ... First Few Weeks

Hello again world... Time for a new installment of "Nine Lives To Live" starring yours truly.

Ahem, after settling in that first day, the next few weeks flew by in a blur. I had to begin to train this new human, I suppose to make it easier, we can call her "mom." So, Mom was obviously new to this being owned by a cat thing... but the weird part was, I smelled another cat had been there. I can only assume it was a traveling sales cat or a gyps-cat since mom hadn't a clue. It was like starting with a baby. I had to herd her to my food dish to fill it (some very tasty crunchy morsels) and change my stagnant water. And then in the evenings she would put down this wet slop. She would pet my head and tell me it's "yummy salmon" and that it would be fantastic. Yeah, fantastic if it weren't in *my* dish! Fish? Seriously? How many cats do you see swimming in the stream to eat? I haven't met one. I'm a land-lover matey, I want T-U-R-K-E-Y. So, as any self-respecting cat would do, I turned my nose up and then howled like I was starving to death... I even threw myself on the floor for effect but she just stepped over me (*stepped OVER me* people- anyone know the number to animal control??? I'm slowly starving to death and she doesn't even CARE!). Since my dramatics were ignored, I went back to my dish and ate some of my crunchy tidbits; I figured at least when I died of starvation, I would have a full crunchy belly. :-)

Then there was the issue of this noise box... I swatted at it, knocked it over, but it continued to make this horrendous sound. I burrowed deeper under the covers, but without fail, mom would also swat at it and make it stop. Ah silence, blessed... what the? Wait, mom is getting up? It's DARK out... we don't get up when it's dark- we wait until the sunbeams shine through the windows (she also has obviously never heard of windex- my beams of warmth are interrupted by SPOTS!). So, she gets up, staggers over to my dish and fills it up with some more crunchy goodness, changes my water and begins doing all those crazy things humans do to leave the house... She pats me on the head and tells me to be good. As if. I curl up in my bed and give her my "of course I'm an angel!" look as she walks out the door... And the whole place is mine! :-D Since I will need all my strength to get into mischief, I will take a quick little cat nap... *snore* *snore* *snore* Hey- I didn't tell you to type that! I don't want everyone to know I snore. No, stop typing! S-T-O-P  T-Y-P---- *swat*

*Streeeeetttttccccccchhhhhhh* (you know you're jealous!) *Yawn* That was the most excellent nap... now what to destroy first... I think the sofa needs some fluffing. So, I swagger my way over to the sofa, eying the soft green cushions, flexing my fierce, well-sharpened claws, as I dive in for the kill I hear a crunching noise. I stop mid-leap, hit my nose on the coffee table and land with a thud, er I mean, on my paws ever so gracefully. *blink* *blink* The door opens and in comes MOM! What is she doing home? I only slept for like 5 minutes... She walks in and asks how my day was... she's calm... how can she be calm? She must have been canned if she's back home this early... I am too handsome to be homeless...or *gasp* what if she brings me back to the inhumane shelter? I was getting used to this place... it's not that bad... but... but... it's DARK outside again? How did it get dark again? That spinner looks like it's pointing at the 5... Did I really sleep 8 hours? I must have... Oh thank goodness... *phew* Oh dear, she's opening another can... tonight is "pot roast"... of course cats eat pot roasts... I mean, 12 pound cat verses 400 pound cow, you know the cat will just tip. her. right. over. <eyes rolling> T-U-R-K-E-Y... What do I have to do to this insane woman to get through??? Gobble?

*Gobble* *Gobble*
~R

Riley Verses The... New Human

My name is Riley (hence the title of the blog) and I am nearly 10 years old in human years. Approximately 3 years ago I moved from my previous dwelling (involuntarily mind you...) into what was called a "humane society." Now, please tell me, what is humane about keeping me locked up in a 3'x3'x2' box? Seriously, they should be called the "inhumane society" with how *I* was treated. But I digress... ahem, where was I?

So, three years ago I began living with this new human... She found me in my little, pathetic box and said that I needed more room to stretch out my long legs and vocal cords (did I mention I am Siamese???)...  So what does my "savior" do??? get this, she puts me in a *smaller* box (seriously people?) then puts me in a car (I used to live outside, yes I know what a car is... :-P) and drives and drives and drives and drives... I am pretty sure I am now living on the other side of the world. (Should I say "yeeoooowwww-mate" now?) We make it "home" and I check out my new residence... It'll do I suppose... one bedroom, one bed... I wonder where she'll sleep? Sun beams peak through windows, check... food dish, check... WITH food, double check!... water dish, check... bathroom, check... I guess I can make do with this and the human seems nice enough. She tells me that she's my new mom and I lick my paw, pretending not to listen to her. It's good to set the house rules when one moves into a new house and I was certainly not going to let her think for even a second that I would listen to her... if she wanted someone to listen she can get herself a dog (but not on MY watch!) or a shrink...

That was day one folks... Other than her launching me across the room a couple of times when I accidentally got in front of her (geesh, don't people watch where they're walking???) there isn't much to report... Oh the date was January 1st, 2008, I was about 7 years old (get this, the new human gave me a birthday of April 1st... she said something about fools???) and I'm a very handsome blue point siamese (and single!).


Yowls and meows,
~R